My therapist and my psychiatrist both think she's being unreasonable and she needs to change.
However, I'm well aware that there is bias there. A lot of it. They only know what I tell them.
Basically... my wife doesn't take my needs or feelings into concern before doing things. And hasn't. For a long time (Married since 2006).
The strife has been largely due to a phenomenon I've dubbed, "Arguing with 'yes'".
Me: "Honey, can you do X[thing that needs done immediately that we've agreed is her responsibility]?"
Her: "Sure."
Me: *waits a few hours* "Are you going to do X?"
Her: *angrily* "I said I would! Let me finish this!"
Me: *waits a few hours, sees she has long since finished whatever it was she was doing* "So... are you going to do X?"
Her: *furiously* "I'll do it before I go to bed!"
Me: *waits til bedtime*
Her: *Heads to bed*
Me: "Did you do X?"
Her: "I forgot, I'll do it tomorrow.
Then it would repeat like that until either I did it myself (days, weeks, months, depending on the severity of the thing in question and how much my anxiety and panic attacks prevented me from doing it in the first place) or it was no longer possible to do it. If I did it for her, she would get angry with me because she was "going to do it!"
That has been a really pervasive problem in our marriage since the beginning because, as someone with ASD, I can't read people. I assume people are going to do what they say they will do. I need my loved ones to only agree to do the things they intend to do because I can't tell when someone is only being polite.
Of course, I've brought this up to her, many, many times over the last decade. We have arguments. I cry, she cries, she promises to change... and then I have to start arguing with "yes" again. I face this with every single problem. I say we have a problem, she agrees. She promises to change. She continues as if we never discussed it.
Lack of intimacy? (We've had sex once in the last 6 months, fewer than 5 times in the last 5 years. She's initiated sex once in the last 12 years.).
Refusal to save money? (Her out of control spending has led to me being unable to use a debit/credit card or answer the phone because of panic attacks)
Refusal to help with housework/yard work?
Check, Check, and bloody check!
Last week, she told me I wasn't "dependable". At first it made me furious, because it seemed like obvious projection. I have a compulsive need to do the things I agree to do. Later something occurred to me and I asked her about it the next day. "When you say I'm not "dependable" do you mean in fact that I can be "depended on" to have regular panic attacks?" (I have severe panic attacks, and multiple triggers can be traced directly to her actions.) She said, "Yes! I'm burnt out on always having to hold your hand through panic attacks!"
From my point of view, she's basically a fire fighter who is tired of fighting fires, but won't stop setting them herself.
Helping me through panic attacks that she was causing was the only thing I was still getting from our marriage. I understand that caregiver fatigue is a thing, but that's not the primary issue, it's merely the final straw.
She's unemployed. Won't look for work, won't fight for disability. She hasn't so much as kissed me in six months. She doesn't do any housework. We no longer have any shared hobbies and we have no children.
I understand that she's dealing with severe depression herself but I told her that day. "If you don't want to help me with my panic attacks, I think when your disability claim is settled, and you've recovered from surgery, we need to look into a dissolution [no fault divorce, the only kind we'd be able to afford]"
When I asked her, she agreed to change how we handle money and grocery shopping. So that we can eliminate my panic attacks associated with food insecurity. But even if she does manage to hold to that, I don't think that's nearly enough to save our marriage or even our friendship. I don't think I can live the rest of my life with someone who I feel treats me like a collectible; something to be put on a shelf and displayed so you can tell other people that you have one.
I love her dearly. She is my best friend. I fear that if I go through with it, divorce her, and kick her out, I'll be signing her death warrant. Either she'll kill herself or spiral into such a depression that she ends up homeless or dying from not taking care of herself. I'm positive if I leave her, I'll die alone. I'm 38, on SSI, overweight, autistic, and I live in a small town.
Part of me just keeps saying, "Hey, if you're never going to experience physical or romantic love again anyway, you might as well stay married to make her life better." And the most frustrating, absolutely most frustrating thing is that, I can't talk to anyone about this. Complaining about your partner to friends & family means that either they take their side, and you lose them, or they take your side, and if you reconcile, they never forget/forgive your partner.
Now I need to go lay down in bed and try to sleep next to someone who I'm pretty sure I no longer love, and who doesn't love me enough to make even token efforts to make me feel loved because I have no where else to sleep.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I've been writing, deleting, rewriting, deleting, over and over again for the last two hours, trying to keep it as short as I could. I just want to cry and scream and rant.
04 May 2019, 11:01 pm
