Very Sticky Situation

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I'm in a sticky situation. So bear with me and please give me some advice.

My ex intriduced me to a LARPing group. It’s where you fight others with swords. It’s just for fun. So naturally I made friends with the friends she had there. I had a really good time during the months I was going. So anyways she dumped me from out of nowhere. I stopped going, chating on the group chat on FB, and cut everything that had any thing to do with her, out of my life. Until recently one of my friends from the group contacted me and asked why I just left. I told her what happened and she was shocked.

She dumped me at her therapists office. Her therapist even told me to stop going to the LARPing group she introduced me to or it will cause more problems, she was in a therapy session when she dumped me. We even made plans the next day to go out with a group of friends and we were going to meetup at the LARPing group that night. And we saw each other that day before her session that she told me she was dreading, we had a good time that day like usual. Her therapist told me not to go to the group activity the next day.

Plus we still had one more class together. I informed the instructor about the situation and he even asked my ex how she was feeling during the class. My ex told him she was fine and comfortable with me being there. After class I had to get some papers signed by another instructor we both have.

As I was walking out of the instructors office, my ex saw me. 30 minutes later I get a text from this instructor telling me if I showed up unannounced again she will call campus security on me, because I made my ex very nervous and upset. My instructor assumed I was stalking her.

And my friend from the group and friends outside of the group want me to go back to it. So does my family.

So, I’m in a situation where if I do go they will be a very high chance of seeing my ex that threw away and hurt me pretty bad. I might go eventually I am strong enough, I’ve been through much worse than this. I haven’t been since November.

What are your thoughts on this and what should I do in this situation? Have you been in a situation like this?

It's only my opinion but I think you should consider your concerns about her more than worry about yourself socially; this didn't make any sense to a third party either but obviously there's no reason to continue any negative cycle or pattern. All I'm really saying is to think about how to be nicer so you can resolve this independently.

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I wouldn't go to the LARPing group. It sounds like "her" thing being that it sounds like you wouldn't have done it if she didn't invite you.

If someone from the group has your contact info, maybe you can hang out outside the group. If you start hanging out with people from the group a lot, like more than they hang out with her, maybe they can tell her they'd like you to come to the group. Maybe at that point she'd decide to stop coming to the group. This can be a bummer, though, so it still might be kind of a jerk move on your part. It's related to power/control issues which I feel are omnipresent in society, hence all the weird non-rule rules people have about social situations.

I do think it's common for friend groups to negotiate breakups, though.

Additionally, not to talk your ear off but I guess here I go anyway, I heard a lot about the whole Harvey Weinstein/"#metoo" thing in the news and that caught my ear at the time. I don't know how much its died down lately if at all. I guess the most I can say is I haven't heard as much about it in the news.

HOWEVER, if you're a guy, I still think it's best to err on the side of caution to avoid at least the appearance of impropriety. Capitalizing for emphasis: I DO NOT BELIEVE IT'S CONFUSING THAT SHE SAID SHE WAS FINE BUT HER INSTRUCTOR SAID YOU MADE HER NERVOUS. It sounds to me like she wasn't comfortable saying you made her nervous in front of you, but she was comfortable telling the instructor, who's in a position of authority and comparative power. Meaning, I think your presence may make her nervous--so nervous in fact that she's unwilling to admit it to you.

If she admits your presence makes her nervous to you, there's nothing to stop you from being present to make her nervous just out of spite. That probably makes her feel threatened and powerless. (She may also be trying to avoid embarrassing you.)

Additionally, you haven't said you've done anything to make her feel like you'd do something like that, but it's my understanding generally and my experience specifically that autistic people can be very insensitive. It's not that we lack empathy exactly--we just don't quite understand how our behavior is affecting other people, so it can feel to them like we're saying "I DON'T GIVE A **** HOW YOU FEEL, I'M JUST GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT" which can be scary. Kind of affects my whole feelings on the condition, not to change the subject.

Lastly, related to the above, there have been times in my past where I've really exacerbated negative social situations by demanding that "I'm not doing anything wrong!" because it wasn't my intent to make anyone uncomfortable, so I took offense to the suggestion that I was making them uncomfortable, which only made them more uncomfortable. That really colors my response here and while not all situations play out like mine did, I think it's kind of a general theme of autism that the autistic would really benefit by taking a hint.

I had been in a similar situation about 6 years ago, and there are some posts on here that would outline just how toxic the situation was and how much worse it could have been. Unlike yours though, I was involved with at least 3 separate girls and the situations all intertwined. A couple I met through meetup.com groups.

Girl number 1 decided to just let things go. She also stopped hanging out with the group when her best friend broke up with a guy that was in the group I hang out with. She no longer had any reason to stick around. Met through meetup groups

Girl number 2 lived in Peru. Not really a problem over here, but could have been down there since I have family down there. Things ended on good terms and she accepted the fact that I was involved with someone else.

Girl number 3 was the biggest problem and was also the first person I met out of the three through meetup. We had our own group of friends and we got romantically involved despite us being involved with other people. The relationship eventually got so toxic and bad that I eventually broke off the friendship for my sanity and hopefully hers to. Although I had been involved in meetup.com before she ever signed up, she made friends with the organizers before I did. I decided not to let that faze me and kept going to meetups. She was often unreliable and not showing up when she rsvpd to an events regardless of who was hosting or attending. This helped me. However, after a while she moved on and noone in the group of friends really hears from her. It is possible I am to blame, but noone ever brings it up.

Besides that, if i had stopped going to meetups, I wouldn't be married now and have a child on the way. So there is that.

In your situation and considering it is "me too" time, I would he very cautious about showing up to her groups. 6 years ago, and before Elliot Rodger, the concerns weren't as high as they are now.