Can 2 aspies make serious relationship or married?

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Are AS/AS relationships better?
AS/AS relationships are better 21%  21%  [ 6 ]
AS/NT relationships are better 4%  4%  [ 1 ]
other(please explain) 25%  25%  [ 7 ]
I am not sure 50%  50%  [ 14 ]
Total votes : 28

NoName93
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12 Apr 2017, 4:13 am

I wonder if AS/AS relationships are better than NT/AS relationships because I have never met an AS/AS couple and I don't find a book or an article about AS/AS relationship and I want to find an aspie woman for relationship because I don't understand most NT women and I find dificult to have effective communication with most of them.
I thought that if I find an aspie woman will be more easy to make relationship with them but since the last year I talk with an aspie woman and she said to me that she had a relationship with an aspie man and failed. What is your opinion and your expirience is better to make relationship with an aspie woman or NT? Is there any AS/AS coupple?



amykitten
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12 Apr 2017, 7:59 am

My parents are NT/AS my father being on the spectrum. My dad walked into my mums maths class at age 11, she then declared she was going to marry him and 7 years later a month after my dad was legally marrying age they got married and still married to this day. Wasn't always plan sailing, but my mum is a unique NT to begin with and being very anti social, yet people seem to like her and wish to befriend her and she goes along with it.

My sister was in a NT/AS relationship with her being on the spectrum (I come from a very autistic family) and that guy abused her. Eventually she had enough and walk away. Now she's in another NT/AS relationship and its working for her.

I have been in a mix of both. Mainly NT/AS though but I seem to be very bad at picking partners. I had one NT try to kill me and then the last AS raped me on a daily basis so they probably aren't good examples. However, I do know a mix of AS/AS and AS/NT couples since I have been on various courses so both can work, its more if the people are compatiable. My conslusion is I don't work well with others in general so don't even know why I keep trying.



NoName93
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12 Apr 2017, 8:15 am

amykitten wrote:
My parents are NT/AS my father being on the spectrum. My dad walked into my mums maths class at age 11, she then declared she was going to marry him and 7 years later a month after my dad was legally marrying age they got married and still married to this day. Wasn't always plan sailing, but my mum is a unique NT to begin with and being very anti social, yet people seem to like her and wish to befriend her and she goes along with it.

My sister was in a NT/AS relationship with her being on the spectrum (I come from a very autistic family) and that guy abused her. Eventually she had enough and walk away. Now she's in another NT/AS relationship and its working for her.

I have been in a mix of both. Mainly NT/AS though but I seem to be very bad at picking partners. I had one NT try to kill me and then the last AS raped me on a daily basis so they probably aren't good examples. However, I do know a mix of AS/AS and AS/NT couples since I have been on various courses so both can work, its more if the people are compatiable. My conslusion is I don't work well with others in general so don't even know why I keep trying.


Do you know an AS/AS couple who married and made family?



AngelRho
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12 Apr 2017, 9:45 am

It is certainly possible for it to work. The pro on this is that with you both understand what it's like for the other person and find each other relatable. And I do believe love conquers all. So if you can manage to get into that kind of relationship, by all means go for it.

Now for the bad news...

Again, NOTHING wrong with AS/AS relationships.

What worries me is that because of the difficulties we have letting other people into our lives and really sharing everything in a LTR or marriage, the condition ends up driving us apart. If I need my quiet time but she wants together time, my issues just posed a major interference to her life. Or I spend all day watching TV on my day off when she wants to go out, or she engages in a special interest while I already made plans to go away for the weekend...well, are we ever going to spend time together? And if we never see each other for weeks at a time, what's the point of being together?

NT/AS relationships MIGHT work out a little better because an understanding NT might be more patient and willing to understand. They can be prepared to accommodate you as needed. A NT girl is NOT your mom. You still have to learn to actively participate in the relationship, which means a degree of socializing and dealing with SOME unpleasantness. But she CAN help you as long as you are willing to come beside her and work with her.

I don't mean to imply NT/AS relationships are necessarily superior. It's just important to keep these things in mind. From a dating standpoint, it works in an AS guy's favor to be open to either simply based on the fact that available AS girls are disproportionately low. For the aforementioned reasons, I suspect (please correct me if I'm wrong) AS girls might be more attracted to NT guys, anyway. I think, and I could be wrong, that we might find exclusively seeking AS partners to be counterintuitive.

I dunno...any other opinions?



Jacoby
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12 Apr 2017, 9:59 am

Sex ratio makes it unrealistic, could it work and be better than a NT relationship? Maybe? I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket tho. It would depend on the people obviously. It's appealing from the perspective that it might be someone who understands you better and is more tolerant, someone you wouldn't have to be so embarrassed to tell them anything about yourself. Kind of depressing to be so unwanted.



NoName93
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12 Apr 2017, 10:28 am

Jacoby wrote:
Sex ratio makes it unrealistic, could it work and be better than a NT relationship? Maybe? I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket tho. It would depend on the people obviously. It's appealing from the perspective that it might be someone who understands you better and is more tolerant, someone you wouldn't have to be so embarrassed to tell them anything about yourself. Kind of depressing to be so unwanted.


I agree with you but I believe that an aspie woman will understand me better (I believe this I don't know for sure because I don't have experience in relationships)



alex
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12 Apr 2017, 11:22 am

In terms of ratio, perhaps there are just as many girls on the spectrum but they just aren't diagnosed.

But to answer your question, I think it really depends on the people. A relationship won't work just because both people on the spectrum. At the same time, having that experience in common could be a very powerful thing in a relationship.

On the other hand, if you find an understanding NT, their strengths and your strengths might complement each other.


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Raleigh
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12 Apr 2017, 4:14 pm

I'm in a long term AS/AS relationship.

It works well for us, but like Alex said, it depends on the individual personalities of those involved.
It's true we understand each other perfectly, but at the same time I feel as though we are somewhat lacking in personal growth because we are both very introverted and set in our routines and tend not to challenge ourselves with new experiences.


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13 Apr 2017, 11:07 am

My girlfriend I have right now is a NT. But most of her friends are on the spectrum or have some similar things to autism. But our relationship is great though. And she may understand my problems because of that. And I think that's cool.



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30 Apr 2017, 2:37 am

My current girlfriend & my 2nd are both Aspies. My 2nd was very independent or at least had a high desire to be & I'm kinda clingy & needy within a relationship so it didn't work out. My current girlfriend is kind of needy & clingy too so it works. My 1st girlfriend was an NT but she had dyslexia, sever ADHD, & alittle & OCD & I have those things as well so we really connected. I never been able to get a relationship with a typical NT for lots of reasons but a big factor was that I'm too direct & straightforward for them & they took things I said the wrong way but my personality within a relationship is more like an NTs, I love being close & affectionate & supportive with my partner which didn't work for my 2nd girlfriend. I think Aspie/Aspie relationships can potentially work better than Apsie/NT relationships but it depends on both Aspies. Aspies can be as varied as NTs can be.


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01 May 2017, 9:20 am

I don't think either is better or worse, relationships are complicated, but perhaps AS/AS relationships could lead to a different type of compatibility if both people have the skills to maintain a relationship. I found a blog about this topic: 479: Aspie to Aspie: Relationships

Quote:
When two Aspies meet to form a new relationship, a space is created that allows an open understanding to occur that oftentimes neither participant has experienced before.

This blog post describes characteristics of Aspie-Aspie relationships from the authors experiences; she refers to the high-speed of the relationship, variables, triggers, obsessing, balance, transitions, burnouts and dealing with each other’s rigid structures.



biostructure
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02 May 2017, 11:38 pm

It depends on the specific aspies (their strengths and weaknesses) and in some cases also on the life stage of the people involved.

At this point, when I am looking to "get my feet wet" in terms of relationships, nearly all the women I feel I'd click with are neurodiverse in some manner (aspie or something else). I find it hard to see a neurotypical girl as looking for the kind of relationship I need and want at this point. As I grow up and look to settle down, though, I feel I will likely eventually gravitate toward women who are in some sense the opposite of aspie, though.

On the other hand, there are a decent number of aspies I have met whom I think could do well even settling down with another aspie. Those aspies are different from myself though--they tend to have more mainstream interests, more ability to bond with others, and less of what I think of as "aspie ego". That last term I coined to describe the kind of worldview that tends to originate from being precocious in certain areas as a child--effectively it's a need for others to be proud of one's unique talent, coupled with an insecurity about not having anything else to give the world. Two people who have this in different areas can be great friends, and great FIRST boy/girlfriends through bonding over a shared worldview, but can't fully ever satisfy each other's deepest needs (and if they have it in the SAME area, it just leads to tension--whether the people are the same or the opposite sex).



NoName93
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03 May 2017, 3:37 am

biostructure wrote:
It depends on the specific aspies (their strengths and weaknesses) and in some cases also on the life stage of the people involved.

At this point, when I am looking to "get my feet wet" in terms of relationships, nearly all the women I feel I'd click with are neurodiverse in some manner (aspie or something else). I find it hard to see a neurotypical girl as looking for the kind of relationship I need and want at this point. As I grow up and look to settle down, though, I feel I will likely eventually gravitate toward women who are in some sense the opposite of aspie, though.

On the other hand, there are a decent number of aspies I have met whom I think could do well even settling down with another aspie. Those aspies are different from myself though--they tend to have more mainstream interests, more ability to bond with others, and less of what I think of as "aspie ego". That last term I coined to describe the kind of worldview that tends to originate from being precocious in certain areas as a child--effectively it's a need for others to be proud of one's unique talent, coupled with an insecurity about not having anything else to give the world. Two people who have this in different areas can be great friends, and great FIRST boy/girlfriends through bonding over a shared worldview, but can't fully ever satisfy each other's deepest needs (and if they have it in the SAME area, it just leads to tension--whether the people are the same or the opposite sex).


I also find hard to comunicate well with neurotypical woman but unfortunately neurodiverses women are rare



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03 May 2017, 12:13 pm

alex wrote:
In terms of ratio, perhaps there are just as many girls on the spectrum but they just aren't diagnosed.

i agree with this conjecture.
perhaps we are not really rare...but hiding in plain sight :study:


to answer the OP--
i don't think AS/AS relationships are necessarily better than NT/AS relationships or vice versa but it's difficult to speculate in such black&white terms. a successful relationship probably has more to do with how the individuals' personalities and lifestyles work together (to work together does not mean to work similarly, but could).

it's possible that we can run into trouble by trying to understand people and relationships in such broad generalizations.



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04 May 2017, 3:39 am

A lot of it depends on the level of functioning one or both partners are at. Some can make it work, including many here on WP (like nick007 and his partner), others find it difficult.

I have been in both types of relationships, but there are issues I struggle with that would add some difficulty either way. So I can't say for sure which scenario is better.


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04 May 2017, 3:59 am

NoName93 wrote:
I also find hard to comunicate well with neurotypical woman but unfortunately neurodiverses women are rare


Not so rare. I think as many as one in six are neurodiverse. The problem more is how to identify them, and especially those that try to pose as neurotypical in order to fit in.