Dating someone with AS

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Hello

I would appreciate any insight you can offer into what I'm currently facing, or if you'd like to share your own experiences, I would appreciate that.

I've been in a relationship before with a partner who has AS. We dated for 8 months in 2017. There was a definite learning curve on my end. After research, visiting this forum, getting support for myself and talking to my partner at the time, I was happy in my relationship with that man.

Within the 8 months we dated, he would withdraw for weeks at a time. We wouldn't talk, text, nothing. I just accepted he was "recharging" and thinking about it that way helped a lot. Our relationship ended when one day he just stopped talking to me. That did hurt a lot. I really loved this man.

It's now 2019 and I have recently started dating someone new. I am noticing some things that give off that AS vibe. Like how conversation is one sided and littered with plenty of facts, the monologues, the self interest, being unaware of his tone of voice, being very sensitive to specific sounds, mimicking ect.

We talked briefly about AS, and he mentioned he'd never been tested, however he suspects he's probably on the spectrum. So do I.

I really like him, and I see potential for this to go somewhere.

He has eluded to having moments where he gets really frustrated and withdraws or gets in a very closed off mood.

"Implosions" to sensory overload is what I've heard this called. He mentioned these bouts last only 10 or so minutes.

Is that short amount of time normal? I don't mean to sound naive but I really don't know.
My experience has been with someone who'd shut me out for weeks at a time to recharge and decompress.

If it takes him 10 minutes to chill, could it take longer down the road?

Thoughts? Experiences?
Thanks
-Colleen

Everyone with AS is different. Which means that if you know one person with AS you only know one person with AS. It isn't like Down's syndrome in which there are a lot of similarities.

Best not to guess or assume, but better to observe and keep records.

Though, if you know someone has a particular issue, such as sensitivity to noise, this site can be useful for hints on ways to deal with that.

Quite frankly, all young men are lacking in social and emotional skills nowadays - this is a consequence of the lack of moral, social and cultural standards in the west, as well as neglectful "free range" parenting. I wouldn't impute it to Asperger's.

Welcome to the forum, Colleen.

Although we can't say for sure whether he's autistic or not, it is the case that autistic people can experience both short, acute overloads ("shut-downs" or "melt-downs" depending on behaviour), and longer periods of needing to recharge ("burn-outs".) It also not unusual for one autistic person to experience both (or even neither). For example, I tend to shut-down for a brief period when my senses are overwhelmed, but I also have longer spells of burn-out due to the build up of stress from trying to compensate for my autistic traits all the time. Each of us is different in this respect, and the things which cause these overloads varies a lot too.

There is a lot of truth to this. I was recently at a University while a graduation was going on. While the women were generally well dressed and friendly I was shocked at how most of the men not only wore T-shirts, baggy pants with holes, etc but didn't even wash or comb their hair! I also work around a lot of young men and it is downright stunning how they make me look like a social extrovert.

Like others have said different Aspies are different. I'm an Aspie who's very needy & clingy within romantic relationships & I never shutdown & hide away from my partner. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it but it'll have to be something major that's causing problems in our relationship. I've had meltdowns with girlfriends before but that was when we were having fights, I was getting pressured, or I felt like they weren't listening to me & I wasn't being considered(changing plans on me at the last minute made me feel like my need for routine & predictability wasn't considered). I had lots of meltdowns with my parents but that was cuz they never really understood my issues & various disabilities & were very critical of me. I'm NOT saying I don't need alone time sometimes but I would not say it's a shutdown or that I'm hiding away from my partner. I'm just doing my own thing to relax, recharge, & rest. If I know my partner needs or wants me, I'm there.
Like BTDT mentioned, I think it's important to understand what the Aspie's triggers are & try & minimize em.

Hi Colleen,

Thought I'd weigh in with my experience. I've been with my AS partner for more than 16 years now (can't believe it's been that long!) and I dated a guy before him for a very short time who I am pretty certain was also on the spectrum.

As someone here has already said, you knew one Aspie, so that means you knew one Aspie. Everyone is different.

My current partner has never had a situation you describe - like an implosion to sensory overload. The only thing that seems to really bother him are smells, and he has said if it's something that is overly strong it will make him slightly nauseated. Other than that, he doesn't seem to have the sensory overload thing. I think I'm more irritated by loud noises or bright light than he is. And the guy I dated before him also did not have meltdowns or implosions as he referred to them, although he would get very irritated by tiny noises, like the buzzing of lights, and stuff I did not even notice.

The biggest challenge we have had is that he completely lacks executive function. He can't plan ahead and he has no time management. So it has become my role in our relationship to plan, and I have to make sure to keep track of his doctor's appointments, plan our vacations, ensure the bills are paid on time, and to get us where we need to go. And really it's a fairly small price to pay because what he lacks he makes up for in other areas - like he completely rebuilt our kitchen interior and restored the hardwood floor in our house. We only paid for the tools. Saves a lot of money having someone like that around.

He's also completely face-blind and cannot recognize people who he does not know very well. So he will mostly rely on me to remember people who we may meet in public.

Anyway my point is that everyone is different. Just because one guy shut himself away for weeks at a time doesn't mean that the next guy you date will do the same thing. And the thing is most Aspies are really honest, so if he's saying he really only needs like 10 minutes then he probably means exactly that.

I think our relationship is successful because I'm an introvert, so I don't mind being alone, and I understand when someone else needs it. I'm perfectly happy to do things on my own and then come back together and do something together later. I don't mind quirky and I don't mind different. And I actually kind of appreciate the honesty because I'm very direct myself and would prefer to just get to the point instead of dancing around the topic, so to speak. So for us, it works.

If you like this guy, give it a shot.