Counselling

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Me again,
Went to marriage counselling yesterday with my husband who has aspergers. The councillor stated he noticed a pattern with my husband and why I felt second best. I don’t think my husband has took that news well as he is being nasty to be today and laughing at me whilst I was crying. I just want to run and hide

That sounds like a terrible thing to go through. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

hugs

It sounds to me like you should run & hide for away from him. It does not sound like he really cares about trying to make your relationship work & just went through the motions by seeing the counselor. It might be a good idea to try & talk to the counselor privately about this.

Allow me to play devil's advocate.

Marriage counselors, both male and female, automatically take the wife's side. Statements like "pattern" are just ways counselors do that. It's common knowledge. Even aspie men know this. So when your husband found himself in that emotional slaughterhouse, he knew he was going to lose. So he decided to go for broke by being nasty and cruel to you. Because hey, he already lost by getting taken to a counselor in the first place, so there's no incentive to be "good". Conversely, he did not know marriage counselors automatically take the wife's side. Therefore, he wasn't prepared for that to happen, and felt blindsided by it. He expected it to be a proper three-way dialog, and instead was blamed for everything. So he lashed out, since he felt you and the counselor were conspiring against him. True or not, he felt what he felt.

I think the statement of the councillor being in woman side is not true, and it was initially my husbands idea to go to counselling not mines. I don’t think the counselling will work but I’m willing to give it a go. Just hard to admit that it is probably over as I know it will be him who regrets it in time

Aww. I would love to be able to say something or do something to put things right. I don't know what to say.

Don't worry about that, it's utter nonsense.

Based on your other posts, I suspect your marriage might be doomed - your husband seems determined to end it.

I'm really sorry and hope I am wrong - I wish you the best either way

I disagree about the counsellor automatically taking the woman's side. When I took my ex-GF to couples counselling (ugh), she stopped going when the counsellor absolutely hammered her and called her out on her ridiculous and childish behavior. I am sure that he wanted to say to me "what the (d)uck is wrong with you? Run you fool!" It was obviously the overwhelming majority of the problems were from her end and in hindsight the counsellor "targeted" her because it was obvious she was the cause of most of our problems.

Counselors are biased because they are human

Usually the counselor is biased in favor of the customer

Who is paying for counseling?

Your counselor is a man

The counselors field is the Diagnosic statistical manual


Not emotion and relationship


Everyone response is biased

Regardless of what the counselor said or whether he disagrees with what you're saying, there is no excuse to laugh at someone when they are upset and crying.

ASD people can have a hard time reciprocating some things because they miss the subtle ques and unwritten rules of a situation, but they should be expected to be good people who at least can see when you're upset and express some compassion.

I am sorry you are going through this. If this behavior doesn't change, you are definitely within your human rights if you do whatever you need to to protect yourself.

^ that's it

What your husband did was an act of cruelty. He chose to be mean, he chose to take pleasure in your pain. There is no excuse for that. We as people don't get a get out of jail free card for being nasty to someone because something had upset us. Not only is that a boundary problem but as I already stated, it's just mean.

It would seem your husband has deep seeded issue he has to work out. But you certainly are not obligated to endure his hurtful/harmful behavior.

Be strong, maybe seek some one on one counseling to help you deal with all of this and empower yourself. Best of luck

I'd be careful with counseling. I once had a therapist mock me and rub my misery in my face. She very much had a carte blanche for beign nas For example, I told her how my parents called me a "baby" and yelled at me. She tilted her head to the side, made a cooing noise, and said: "Aww, you feel sad that they called you a 'baby'. You feel weak and powerless, right?" This made it very clear that she was 100% on my parents' side, and was enjoying seeing me miserable, while putting on a blatantly transparent front of "helping me". Otherwise, she would have taught me verbal self-defense techniques to use in that situation. But she didn't! It took me a lot of mental effort not to burst into tears, but I didn't want to succeed in making me cry. Because then, she'd keep doing it.

Basically, therapist are emotional butchers. As an adult woman, the OP may be more shrewd at dealing with a therapist, and know what to say to avoid being mocked. But as a young boy, I didn't stand a chance.