Help with getting AS husband to open up

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MrsWiggles
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24 Jun 2019, 9:30 pm

Hello,

NT wife here. Could I get some help as to how to get my AS husband to open up when he's upset about something and tell me what's going on? He'll stay in his head and try to solve things on his own and I'm left in the dark as to what's going on with him.

Please, help.

Magna
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24 Jun 2019, 9:33 pm

Hello. Are you asking him open up about what's upsetting him when he's actually upset? Or are you asking him to open up about what upset him after he's no longer upset?

Mona Pereth
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24 Jun 2019, 9:54 pm

MrsWiggles wrote:

Have you asked him why he does that? If so, what did he say?

He might be unable to communicate, at least for a while, when he is very upset -- that's called "shutdown." But if he then goes on to solve the problem all by himself while still refusing to talk about it, then perhaps, by that point, he might have gotten past any involuntary shutdown phase and might still be continuing to feel averse to talking about it for some other reason. But I can't be sure of that. In any case it might take him a while to mentally process an upsetting event before he reaches the point of being able to talk about it. That's common among autistic people.

Also have you asked him whether, when he's upset, he might find it easier to communicate with you in writing than by voice? Some people who experience "selective mutism" have said that they find writing easier.

Also have you asked him if there's anything you can do to help him reach the point of being able to talk to you (or more comfortable talking to you, as the case may be)?

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MrsWiggles
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25 Jun 2019, 12:31 am

I’m asking him while he’s upset but sometimes he doesn’t want to talk and I suspect it’s because the feelings are too strong at the moment.

MrsWiggles
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25 Jun 2019, 12:34 am

Mona - Thanks for the good information. I think he might be in shutdown mode. I’ll try using your suggestions next time he gets upset. Thank you!

Mona Pereth
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25 Jun 2019, 12:48 am

MrsWiggles wrote:

Mona - Thanks for the good information. I think he might be in shutdown mode. I’ll try using your suggestions next time he gets upset. Thank you!

I would suggest that you ask him about this stuff sometime when he's NOT upset. When he's upset, he's unlikely to be able to give you coherent answers.

MrsWiggles
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25 Jun 2019, 12:55 am

Will do. Thanks again.

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 1:13 am

MrsWiggles wrote:

I’m asking him while he’s upset but sometimes he doesn’t want to talk and I suspect it’s because the feelings are too strong at the moment.

Never argue or try to solve things when he is upset. He will be in some kind of "survival mode".

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 1:19 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

He might be unable to communicate, at least for a while, when he is very upset -- that's called "shutdown." But if he then goes on to solve the problem all by himself while still refusing to talk about it, then perhaps, by that point, he might have gotten past any involuntary shutdown phase and might still be continuing to feel averse to talking about it for some other reason. But I can't be sure of that. In any case it might take him a while to mentally process an upsetting event before he reaches the point of being able to talk about it. That's common among autistic people.

I think you have the background wrong here. NDs are very much able to communicate in these settings, just not verbally. I know that for sure by experience. Won't be much useful for an NT though, but just for the record.

Mona Pereth wrote:

Also have you asked him whether, when he's upset, he might find it easier to communicate with you in writing than by voice? Some people who experience "selective mutism" have said that they find writing easier.

Selective mutism doesn't operate between people that know each other. It's only relevant toward strangers. I know that for sure based on having it myself as a teenager + having a daughter with selective mutism.

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 1:25 am

MrsWiggles wrote:

I'm afraid we will not be able to provide an easy solution for that. It's just in the nature of many of us to keep problems to ourself and not tell people verbally about it. I've been that way all my life, and about the only person that ever knew about these thoughts is a recent love interest that I have a very special connection with.

Mona Pereth
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25 Jun 2019, 2:00 am

rdos wrote:

I would suspect that you're over-generalizing from your own experience. Is there anyone else here with selective mutism who would care to comment?

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 2:20 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

rdos wrote:

I would suspect that you're over-generalizing from your own experience. Is there anyone else here with selective mutism who would care to comment?

Not really. I'm just making sense of it from a non-disorder perspective. Selective mutism is all about not wanting to interact with strangers or people you don't like or is comfortable with. That's why mutism is selective. I could be completely silent in school, yet would talk at home and with people I felt safe with.

I think you should be a lot more critical of much of the information put together by people that are outsides, regardless of how fancy their titles are. These people will only understand things by being open to what people that have the issues are telling them, and they need to try to fit this information into a non-disorder framwork if they want to make any sense of it.

Mona Pereth
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25 Jun 2019, 2:38 am

rdos wrote:

I'm afraid we will not be able to provide an easy solution for that. It's just in the nature of many of us to keep problems to ourself and not tell people verbally about it.

Perhaps "many" of us, but by no means all. Some of us are very open (in some cases, too open, even) about discussing problems with people with whom we feel comfortable. Still others among us keep our problems to ourselves not "by nature" but as a defensive habit due to a history of being ridiculed or bullied.

Mona Pereth
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25 Jun 2019, 2:47 am

rdos wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

I would suspect that you're over-generalizing from your own experience. Is there anyone else here with selective mutism who would care to comment?

Actually most of my info about selective mutism comes from blogs written by autistic people. From what I understand, selective mutism is a result of feeling overwhelmed, which is something that can sometimes happen even when with people one is comfortable with, though it's more likely to happen in a strange situation and with strangers.

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 2:56 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

Some of us are very open (in some cases, too open, even) about discussing problems with people with whom we feel comfortable.

Certainly, but I have a feeling this is mostly to get others sympathy & attention. This often doesn't include the real problems either, rather those that are most likely to solicit sympathy, like medical issues or health issues. So, I'm not at all convinced this is incompatible with keeping problems to yourself.

Mona Pereth wrote:

Still others among us keep our problems to ourselves not "by nature" but as a defensive habit due to a history of being ridiculed or bullied.

That's not something I can identify with. I'm not keeping problems to myself because I'm afraid of being ridiculed or bullied. I keep some preferences & habits to my self for that reason, but not problems. And I don't view those preferences & habits as problems myself, even if some people do find them problematic.

rdos
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25 Jun 2019, 3:08 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

I won't argue about that. There is a component of feeling safe & getting overwhelmed. However, I think that in the current case he should feel safe towards his wife, and so that is not the issue. I don't think we should "bend" selective mutism too much out of its core, and so involving selective mutism in sensory overload & meltdowns doesn't seem to be reasonable. I think the term "sensory overload" and "survival mode" will do quite well to explain that scenario.

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