I'm not sure how to comfort my boyfriend...

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lionheartedgirl96
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25 Sep 2019, 12:52 pm

Last night, my boyfriend and I were talking and he said "you're the best kisser I've ever dated". I kind of deflected by commenting on something else because I felt I would be lying if I said the same. He is tongue-tied so it doesn't quite feel the same. I am TOTALLY okay with this, I honestly am, and I absolutely love him, but he pressed me about this and I had to tell him the truth that kissing feels 'slightly different'. I felt that lying would be wrong, and as I'm a terrible liar he would probably find out which would make it worse...

He's really upset about this because there isn't anything he can physically do about it, and it makes him feel "second best" or not as good as someone I was dating before. It's playing on his mind a lot, and I have no idea how to comfort him or what to say to make all of this better. Please help :( I feel really guilty right now. To me, it doesn't matter that he's tongue-tied at all... (we both have Asperger's btw)



Teach51
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25 Sep 2019, 1:55 pm

It's always a good idea if someone gives you a compliment to say thank you. You are under no obligation to return the compliment but your BF probably was feeling insecure about his own performance and was looking for reassurance. Men do often take sexual performance seriously (which is nice IMO) and want to do a good job.
You could tell him you enjoy being with him. He just needs to know his efforts are appreciated.

What do you mean "tongue tied" is it a physical deformity that he has?


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SharonB
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25 Sep 2019, 1:58 pm

Early in our relationship I had a similar reaction, albeit another physical aspect. "Meh." And then described what was odd and different. Given that I now realize how hypersensitive I am, I can see that in my response. Now 20 years later I have learned to appreciate the difference and perhaps even lie a bit and believe it myself. :wink:

Perhaps you are especially sensitive to the difference, and it's a matter of adjustment. In any case, I would comfort my BF by saying I could tell he felt bad and I'm sorry for my part in that, but I really think he's great and... and would he like examples? (have some ready) etc.



jimmy m
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25 Sep 2019, 2:09 pm

When I was in college, I had a girl who took pity on me and showed me how to kiss. She was from South America and the girls there are much more adept in that area. She explained to me all the different types of kissing such as the simple kiss, the French kiss, the truly romantic kiss, the kiss that leaves a mark (Hickey Kiss), the kiss where you lock your teeth together and we practiced each technique.

But the most important kiss of all was the truly romantic kiss. The secret is that it is all done with the eyes. First you need to be alone and remain perfectly quiet. You need to look deep within their eyes until you can see the shadow of their soul, then you slowly move your faces together without breaking eye contact. And then kiss the girl on her lips. She demonstrated the technique and I could see her point. I would have never known, not in a million years.


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lionheartedgirl96
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26 Sep 2019, 4:21 am

Thanks for all of the replies, they mean a lot. He has calmed down a little now. I have told him all of the things I love about him and that I really care about him and am very sad that I've made him feel that way. I think men really do care a lot more about performance than women do.

Being tongue-tied (sorry if this is going to be tmi!) is where a string of tissue is attached to your tongue which attaches it to the floor of that person's mouth, restricting that person's tongue movement. It sort of sounds like an expression, but no, it's a very real thing.

Anyway, he's feeling a bit better today so hopefully I can try my best to comfort him and make him feel better :heart: I'm still feeling bad about making him feel upset, I just hope that not completely lying was the right thing to do...



Raphael F
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28 Sep 2019, 1:07 pm

lionheartedgirl96 wrote:
I just hope that not completely lying was the right thing to do...


This is only one man's opinion, but I feel "not completely lying" was very much the right thing to do, so well done! I would prefer my girlfriend to be brutally honest, even if it hurt me. Presumably you have made the point that being "a good kisser" is not necessarily the most important part of a relationship?

Telling him all the things you love about him sounds a great idea, so long as you don't have to keep doing it on a regular basis. I had one girlfriend who wasn't good at affection but would sigh and simply point out that if she didn't want to be with me, she wouldn't be. It was a good point to make! It also ensured I didn't acquire an addiction to being told nice things about myself...which would have been a possible danger, in my case.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Sep 2019, 2:13 pm

Your relationship is destined to fail or to become sexless.....dead, no true sexual relationship lasts when one doesn't insanely lusts the other.

I repeat that again: If you don't see your bf as your "pornstar", if you don't involuntary sexually fantasize about him while he's away, if you don't get sexual thoughts about him, then it will not work.

You love his personality/character which of course is essential but it's not enough (unless you're both asexuals), but you don't lust him physically - and this latter is as essential (and a lot of women seem to forget this thing, and realize it only after years of misery).