My Ex broke up with me, because I deserve better?

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A Howe
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10 Aug 2019, 4:32 pm

My Ex has aspergers, depression and alexithymia (difficulties processing intensity of emotions). He's also very stubborn.
I am NT.
We are both students, met at uni and dated for 8 months. We worked well together, and argued only a handful of time because he didn't communicate his feels very well, but these were always resolved until summer start.
During term time we basically lived together, but in summer, we were hours journey apart, so didn't see each other as much as we normally did.
I hadn't seen him for 3 week before he ignored me for 3 day, which I didn't realise was because he was feeling really depressed and was thinking about our relationship during this period of time. I was panicky as well as hurt/angry. After 3 days he picked up my call and said "I think we should break up."
I was distort, I knew summer was rough but I was going to see him in a week, and we were going to be together again for 8 months.
He said we should break up because he didnt feel the way he felt he should towards me, and that I deserved better.
But I don't think I deserve better, because he was perfect for me.
I'm very confused and hurt, because I knew he liked me, and my mum and his best friend seems to think its because of the distance.
Do I still have a chance at winning him back or should I just try and be good friends with him?



Mona Pereth
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10 Aug 2019, 9:35 pm

"You deserve better" sounds to me like it might be an excuse, not an actual reason.

Has he ever had a girlfriend before? If not, perhaps he might be wondering if it's premature for him to be jumping into a longterm commitment?

How old is he?


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 10 Aug 2019, 10:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Borromeo
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10 Aug 2019, 10:01 pm

Hang in there, nice NT lady. Your ex is probably doing this because he really loves you & cares about you, and thinks you deserve the best chance.

Lots of us guys look in the mirror every day, flex a bicep, and say "Now that's a solid 11 out of 10 right there! He-man!" and it's always a surprise when some poor fish looks up and says "Well, I need to rethink priorities so I don't hurt someone I really love."

It's that last guy that's the keeper, if you can catch him.

Good luck, and blessings on your wedding day if we can hope so far in advance!



kraftiekortie
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10 Aug 2019, 10:07 pm

I’ve had that happen to me, too.



hurtloam
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11 Aug 2019, 12:31 am

I think something similar has happened to me.

He doesn't feel about me like he thinks he should feel about me for a relationship, but he does seem to like me a lot.

I've never had this happen before. Normally guys flat out don't have any time for me and couldn't care less.

So the, "I really love you, but it's not enough, I still want to spend time with you, but not as my girlfriend" thing has knocked me sideways.

But then, I'm autistic, so I'm struggling to put words to my feelings right now. Struggling to understand his. Just lost because it's not what I expected and I'm trying really hard to put myself in his shoes and I can't.

I think when someone makes their mind up there is little you can do to change it. I accept the decision and I'm working out how to live with it and move on.

I think I do deserve someone who feels like they want to and can be with me. Not someone who for whatever convoluted reason thinks they shouldn't be with me. Doesn't matter how much I love them.


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A Howe
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11 Aug 2019, 1:09 am

Mona Perth - He's 20,and hasn't had a girlfriend before



Mona Pereth
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11 Aug 2019, 6:56 am

hurtloam wrote:
I think something similar has happened to me.

He doesn't feel about me like he thinks he should feel about me for a relationship, but he does seem to like me a lot.

How old is he, and has he had any relationship before? Also is he on the spectrum?


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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11 Aug 2019, 7:06 am

A Howe wrote:
Mona Perth - He's 20,and hasn't had a girlfriend before

I can't be sure, of course, since I don't know him, but the above reinforces my guess that he's just not ready to make a longterm commitment, keeping in mind that autistic people tend to mature more slowly (socially and emotionally) than NTs.


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Fnord
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11 Aug 2019, 10:18 am

A Howe wrote:
... He said we should break up because he didnt feel the way he felt he should towards me, and that I deserved better...
Hmm ... very suspicious ... Usually it’s the woman who uses that break-up line, and only because she’s already started dating another man.

Who’s he been seeing?


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kraftiekortie
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11 Aug 2019, 10:20 am

It’s actually possible that the guy is seeing somebody else.

But I wouldn’t automatically assume that.



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11 Aug 2019, 10:42 am

If he is on the spectrum and he's only 20, he may be feeling insecure. My first thoughts include:

- He is feeling like he can't keep up with you, socially
- He needs time to shut down or be alone, but doesn't know how to word this
- He is having difficulty articulating his emotions, and getting overwhelmed as the relationship gets more serious
- He feels pressured to act like an NT in the relationship, and this creates stress
- He has low self-esteem (e.g., "I'm not good enough for you")
- He wants to focus on school or special interests without burning out or spreading himself too thin

All of these seem like thoughts that would ruminate for a young autistic person in their first serious relationship.

I don't think he's seeing someone else, but that's just my opinion. Who knows. Autistic people are known for their honesty and transparency. Even if he was uncomfortable saying out loud "I'm interested in someone else", I think he would be comfortable to message it in text form and be honest.



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11 Aug 2019, 10:54 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
It’s actually possible that the guy is seeing somebody else. But I wouldn’t automatically assume that.
You know the old saying, “Absence makes the heart go wander.”


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Luhluhluh
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11 Aug 2019, 12:47 pm

A Howe wrote:
Do I still have a chance at winning him back or should I just try and be good friends with him?


I actually think you should respect his wishes and leave him be. And by that I mean absolutely no contact with him. Nuclear option. Delete and block.

I'm not going to try to interpret his actions because... why? He broke up with you. What he was thinking doesn't matter. You're not responsible for his emotions or his behavior. This is what he wanted, so respect that and give it to him.

And I don't suggest this as some kind of a punishment to him. Rather, it's for you to heal. If you try to be "friends" with him, you'll always hope and wonder if maybe there's a chance of getting back together. And then when the day comes that he meets someone else, you may end up being hurt, and then HE'LL be confused because, after all, you guys were just friends.

If after a period of time the hurt wears off and you want to actually be friends with him, go for it, but not this soon. It seems to hardly ever work out and there's always one party who gets hurt.


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Mona Pereth
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11 Aug 2019, 12:59 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
If he is on the spectrum and he's only 20, he may be feeling insecure. My first thoughts include:

- He is feeling like he can't keep up with you, socially
- He needs time to shut down or be alone, but doesn't know how to word this
- He is having difficulty articulating his emotions, and getting overwhelmed as the relationship gets more serious
- He feels pressured to act like an NT in the relationship, and this creates stress
- He has low self-esteem (e.g., "I'm not good enough for you")
- He wants to focus on school or special interests without burning out or spreading himself too thin

All of these seem like thoughts that would ruminate for a young autistic person in their first serious relationship.

All of these seem like reasonable possibilities to me too.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I don't think he's seeing someone else, but that's just my opinion. Who knows. Autistic people are known for their honesty and transparency. Even if he was uncomfortable saying out loud "I'm interested in someone else", I think he would be comfortable to message it in text form and be honest.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions either way on this matter.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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11 Aug 2019, 1:37 pm

A Howe wrote:
I'm very confused and hurt, because I knew he liked me, and my mum and his best friend seems to think its because of the distance.
Do I still have a chance at winning him back or should I just try and be good friends with him?

If his best friend is talking to you about this matter, then that person probably your best possible source of good advice.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.