The Aspie mind that hides things

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Hi,
I'm a new NT girl to this site and am hoping for some insight from some Aspies on a topic very near and dear to my heart.
I have been with my Aspie boyfriend for about 2 years. We were both previously married (him for 23 years, me for 12 years) and got close after we both divorced. Naturally the topic of the exes was/is not always an easy one (I experienced and am experiencing some jealousy of the many years of closeness and intimacy he experienced with his ex and he feels the same and on top of it fears he will inevitably screw something up and I will leave him and go back to my ex for my children's sake). I understand that for him this is part of how his brain works. We are very good at communicating and I have learned a great deal about how his mind works. We were in a very good place until about few months ago when he pulled some stuff that I have trouble wrapping my mind around.
There were 2 incidents that make my NT brain question if his feelings for me truly are what he claims them to be.

1) I went to stay at his house for the weekend. I arrived and went upstairs to the bedroom to put my stuff away when I spotted an unfamiliar cell phone on the night stand. That fact didn't fathom me much. He has 2 grown children that come visit here and there, it coulde been an old phone etc... however, I suddenly heard him running up the stairs and he barged into the room, went over to the nightstand and pretended to set his alarm. He fidgeted around with the alarm clock way to long and when he was finally done and got up to walk back downstairs the phone was gone. He was also not holding it in his hands. He had blatantly obvious and very badly hid it in his pocket during the fidgeting. I let it go for the moment as I didn't know what to do. I confronted him later that evening. He explained the phone was his ex's old phone she left behind when she moved out. He had tried to get past the pin to be able to see if he could get into her social media accounts (as he had done before) to see if she still trash talked him (which she had done before - he had told me that). I believe him. When I asked why he would hide that from me (as we are usually very open - he talks about his ex, I talk about mine) he explained he paniced in the moment and that I had also reacted very jealously about anything to do with his ex (which is true to a degree) and he didn't want to upset me so that's why he hid it.
We talked a lot and had some very good conversations as a result of this incident. I admitted that I need to work on my jealousy issues and he admitted it was wrong what he did. A few weeks went by and things were good. I handled him mentioning his ex much better and we both felt really good about our relationship.
Then the other incident happened.

2) We did a 5 k mud run on the day he turned 50. It was such a good day! We had plans to go for a delicious dinner, it was summer and beautiful out! We felt amazing after the run and decided to hang out next to the race track and watch the other racers. After a bit he went to use the port-a-potty and left his stuff (keys, phone etc) with me. We have each others phone log-ins and he tells me several times a week I can go into his phone anytime I want. So I didn't feel bad when I picked it up to look at the pictures we had taken that morning pre-race. When I unlocked the screen was still on text messages (he had texted his sister before) and I could see a message he had sent to his ex just a few minutes earlier. I know I'm probably wrong here but curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on it. There was only that one message and it didn't make any sense. It was like it referred to a conversation but there was no previous conversation. The message on its own made zero sense. I figured he accidentally sent it to his ex but it was meant for his sister as they had just been texting and I didn't think too much of it. It did, however, keep playing with my mind enough for me to check his phone again a few days later. The message was gone. Over the next few weeks I checked here and there and saw messages appear and then disappear. He was deleting every conversation he had with her. None of the messages I DID see where in any way 'wrong' or suggested anything he was doing behind my back...so why did he delete them?
In my NT world, no guy would delete messages with his ex if they were innocent.
Again, I confronted him. It's been going on for a few weeks now that he has been trying to explain his actions and that has been apologizing again and again. Basically his explanations are that he was simply housecleaning on his phone (he didn't delete anybody else's messages though) and after some pressuring him he admitted that he also did it because his ex still seems a sore topic in his opinion. Now had this been the first incident I woulde understood a little more. However after we had just been through all that and all the open and direct conversations about how his actions affected me....I'm torn now. Torn between believing him and his 'aspie' reasoning and my NT gut feel that something's not right here. It has definitely affected our relationship. I took some days 'off' to get my thoughts straight and that put him through hell. He says he didn't eat, didn't sleep and felt nauseated at the thought of what he did to me. When I asked him to take the time in writing to explain why he did what he did he sent me the following message:

"I suppose when one is a stupid autistic misfit and the social boundaries and etiquette eludes me in the moment and when I've been f*****g up for the better part of my life, hurting the ones close to me, one develops a subconscious cognitive behavior to try to insulate them from my idiosy. I guess that has come into play yet once again. I don't know what more of an explanation i can afford, I've been up front and honest with all your questions. As in the past, in the moment i was not aware of the ramifications my actions could bestow on you. It just simply did not register. I suppose I was trying to shield from any [Ex's name] stuff because knowing from past experiences on the topic you would find yourself in a "funk" per say. So i guess i wanted to spare you the uncomfortablness of talking about her. Everything I have said is the gods honest truth! I had a moment of poor judgement based partially on aspergers and partially on the fear of losing you. I thought if you knew i was in contact you would give up on me, that fear sickens me to the point on nausea, that you could if you chose to replace me so easily. You are an extremely beautiful woman, socially confident and flirty and i love all that about you, that's who i fell in love with. Maybe i wanted to shield me as much as you because of that fear. This is why i did what i did. It was wrong. I apologize over and over. Please find trust in me and us, don't give up on us, we are good together, really good i think. You will never know the pain my heart is in because of my actions, not only because of how deep it goes but because of how it got there. I've come to admire just how much you want to and have learned about autism, more than anyone else when it comes to me, but you still will never know fully what happens inside me, you'll have an idea but never fully see it. So this is all i can say, it's the truth, my reasons, logic, feelings. I can afford you no more on this topic."

I feel very distant at the moment and every time he now tells me that he has nothing to hide I can't help but think "yeah right, cuz you deleted everything you have to hide".

I am still learning so much about the Aspie mind. And though no two minds are alike, I would greatly appreciate any input by other Aspies that could hopefully put my mind at ease.

Thank you all!

Since this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Not sure I can be of any help but these are my thoughts. Some of the characteristics of being an Aspie are:

* unaware of others’ thoughts, feelings, desires, intentions or perceptions resulting in inadvertently appearing rude or inconsiderate.

* tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.

* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.

* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.

Now let us review FEARS
In your case "I am experiencing jealousy of the many years of closeness and intimacy he experienced with his ex."
In his case "He fears he will inevitably screw something up and I will leave him and go back to my ex".

You have both shared your fears with each other.

It seems logical that he might go out of his way to try and reduce and minimize your fear (because he loves you). As a result he may think that if he removes any interaction with her and hides it from you, then he will not trigger your fear. But Aspies tend to be very clumsy especially when it comes to social interactions. And the mere fact that he hid such an interaction has triggered your fear.

Why is he still interacting with his ex. He was married to his ex for 23 years. He feels betrayed by her. On one hand he probably blames himself for the divorce. On the other hand every comment from her is like driving a dagger into his heart. So he may be experiencing a compulsive behavior. He is trying to understand why he failed and how.

So I would probably recommend that you tell him that obsessing about his ex is counterproductive. It is not healthy. He needs to wipe the slate clean about his past and put his primary focus on the future. By exhibiting this compulsive behavior he is putting his future, your relationship, in jeopardy.

Thank you for the welcome and your reply!
I do agree, there is probably still (and maybe always will?) resentment from the separation lingering. It was a long process for him (5+years) and he blames his Aspergers for his inability to end it sooner (not wanting to cause somebody else pain). He claims he has processed everything and is done withthat topic. However, the way his mind works I can see him still blaming himself and faulting himself for everything in an unfair way. There is always 2 involved in this and he definitely tends to take the majority (if not all) the blame for things 'gone wrong'.
I don't think he's obsessed with his ex. They do have 2 children together. And though they are young but fully grown, his older one is on the spectrum as well. So sometimes there is a need to communicate organizational topics (pick-ups/drop-offs etc.). I am not at all opposed to them being in touch and I don't feel the need to know every detail about it, but when I see he is hiding things from me on purpose how can I not assume a concrete reason for it?
I, too, am in constant touch with my ex as our kids are much younger. He knows about that and I make sure to tell him and keep him in the loop. That's all I expect in return.
Thank you for your view on this. It is much appreciated.

My opinion for what it’s worth as an NT lady who has at times struggled with even maintain a friendship with an aspie male. My friend will take it very literally and seriously if I say I don’t like so,etching or something upsets me. . . . He will do everything to avoid those situations. He hurts me unintentionally a lot of times but if he absolutely knows I don’t like something he will do his v best to ensure he never does it. So your boyfriend has it in his mind that talking about his ex. . . . Or you knowing about it will upset you. . . .. so he makes every effort to protect you by not letting you being aware of any contact. . .. .. . . .maybe. . . . Who knows. . . . It’s tough speaking a different emotional language. . . . .

Thanks Anngables. It helps a lot to get different perspectives on this. I can only hope that's what he wants to do - protect me. I just need to make it clear then that 'protecting' me actually hurts me more!

Thank you! So true, my thoughts exactly. It's basically lying for a good reason, but it's still lying. I need to make him understand that it's way more hurtful to be lied to than to be open and honest about a potentially hurtful truth.
He has actually told me before that he needs to be poked and prodded for me to get information that will otherwise seem to him irrelevant and not worth mentioning. It wasn't in this context but the sentiment still goes I suppose. It does feel a little weird for me to keep bringing up his ex just to get any information out of him, but if that's what it takes to make our relationship work I will definitely do it. Thank you for that reminder!

I totally understand that! And every scenario is different. Funny enough most NTs lie because they can most precisely predict an emotional reaction and want to avoid it But in our case here the idea that something is being hidden from me on purpose (even if to shield me) is much more unpleasant than knowing the truth. It seems to my NT brain there is a severe lack of disrespect (even though I logically understand that is not where this is coming from at all!).
Thank you so much for your explanation! It helps me a lot to see different perspectives. I don't have any other Aspie friends (that I know of) so bouncing this around here and getting this feedback makes me see things a lot clearer .

It sounds to me like he is still hung up on his divorce. He is clearly obsessed with what his ex is saying and doing, especially in regards to what she says about him.

He also clearly understands that you are jealous of his ex, and doesn't want to hurt or lose you over it. I imagine that this jealousy has arisen in you for a lot of reasons you haven't mentioned, which predated any of the events you have mentioned so far.

It seems like he simultaneously can't let go of his ex, or feel like that process is hurting you, and bounces back and fourth between obsessing over her and feeling guilty and bad and trying to cover it up and make it go away.

I think if autism is in play, it is likely in play in terms of him having an obsession about the subject of what his ex is saying or doing. Maybe earlier on it was in play in the sense that he might not have registered that certain topics or subjects related to talking about his ex would make you feel hurt, and that may have spurred on the initial jealousy issues.

It is up to him to be ready for another relationship before he starts one, and it may be the case that he is simply not due to the trauma of his life with his ex. As an aside, it is a huge red flag that he is trying to hack into her old phone to stalk her on social media. And for what good healthy reason? There aren't any that I can think of. That's some creepy stalker stuff right there. He needs to let her go for his own sake, let alone yours.

He was trying to break into his ex's social media accounts?
I'd actually leave that relationship immediately. That's not an acceptable behavior.
I would never be able to trust someone who thinks that's okay.
And is he really diagnosed? Some narcissists just wish they were AS.

Hi Kree, I'm curious to know how your jealousy has manifested during the relationship. Have you questioned him for long periods? Would you say that you are emotionally stable?

Hi domineekee,
Thanks for your inquiry. I do believe I am mentally stable, yes. My jealousy was not at all out of control, it was more fueled by a curiosity about my partner's past relationship in order to understand and get to know him better. I think a certain amount of jealousy is to be expected in our situations (both having had significant relationships before meeting each other). The aspie quality of not telling things unless poked and proded combined with his desire to shelter me from the 'unpleasant' subject of his ex (unpleasant for him just as much as for me) led my NT brain to assume he was hiding things for a reason.

I would also like to thank Mrs Wiggles for her insight on this matter. The support is incredibly appreciated and very helpful. Thank you!

Also I am curious whether the other (last 3) commentators are on the spectrum themselves? Their way of thinking and viewing things is much like my own. So while I appreciate the opinion, I did come here to hear the 'aspie side' or hear from people that have experienced similar situations with AS friends/partners near and dear.
Thank you