Is he only playing the Aspie?

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Hello,
I'm wondering if you could give me some advice about a man I like very much.
(He never disclosed that we was on the Autism spectrum to me but whenever he does something odd will say things like "my brain is wired differently". Also there are some other signs like sensitivy to certain textures or extreme interest and knowledge on certain fields.)
We met by accident and liked each other immediately. He made it clear that he has a relationship with someone he deeply loves and intended be faithful too. At the same time, when we met it was like falling in love. We saw each other, couldn't stop talking and decided to meet again a week later (despite super busy lives) and have continued to do so. I am single and did fall in love with him, his intelligence, his warmth, his being slightly different and while I respect his relationship have told him I want him to be a special and close friend. He said that ours was a "instant love" in a platonic way and he wants us to be friends "forever" (at meeting Nr. 2)
We decided to give it a try.
He behaves (in my book) very very flirtatious. When he has a day off and his girlfriend is working he will spend the whole day with me, sometimes, when we meet he will call me from his bike just so we have more time to talk. And even though he insists on not kissing (and I agree, since I don't want an affair with all its complications) he will sit in my apartment and make little compliments and gestures ("you have great legs", touching my knee when sitting accross me) that usually lead to kissing. Only he does not want to kiss. Or he will come to the station so he can see me before a trip, things that I've only ever heard from people who wanted more than friendship. Whenever I do something he likes very much, he will blurt out "I love you". And these are just some examples.
When we talk about this he insists on this deep love for his long time partner. Ours is friendship he says and that love and friendship for him are closely intertwined and that he is so deeply secure in his main relationship (who knows about me) that it is fine with him to be so close to me.
I was willing to accept this.
Then I learned that while all of this was happening he was preparing to get married to his longtime partner. I was quite shocked and when we talked about it, he insisted that I knew about his love for his girlfriend, which is true. I can maybe accept that he can love like this, but when we talked about the situation and how it hurt me he seemed not take an responsibilty for what he happend. He declared ours a "deep friendship" and that he was generally "overly friendly", and that this sometimes causes problems. "Friendly" I think is the wrong word her, neglecting the erotic and romantic undercurrents of our friendship.
When I gave him some examples for these undercurrents in his behaviour, he seemed surprised. When I said that "friendly" was hardly the right word he said he know he has difficulties finding the right words.
He says he want to continue being friends and be more careful about his.
However, I find it hard to trust him, because it feel like he was not acknowleding actions that to me are very clearly more that just friendship. But then again I wonder if this might have something to do with people on the Spectrum not being able to read social cues. [i]So this is where I'd like some advise: Would that be typical if he were indeed on the Spectrum?[/i]
Or am I just being played with?
Thank you for helping me with this!
Liz

Last edited by ElizabethBerlin on 19 Aug 2019, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

He does sound like an Aspie. One trait is black white thinking and rigid rules. He likely has very rigid rules for his friends/platonic relationships. This allows him to go right up to the limits of the rules for friends and feel OK with what he is doing. Which seems to be touching your knee is OK but no kissing.

It sounds to me like he made it very clear the whole time that he only wants friendship with you.

I suggest seeking romance with an individual who is not already engaged in another monogamous romance next time.

I'm sorry you got hurt. Good luck in your future endeavors!

(He never disclosed that we was on the Autism spectrum to me but whenever he does something odd will say things like "my brain is wired differently". Also there are some other signs like sensitivy to certain textures or extreme interest and knowledge on certain fields.)

so, first: he has a GF. You should never have put yourself in this situation.

2nd: Someone saying they are wired differently or having high interest in something doesn't ipso facto make them ASD.

I think you are looking for a reason to excuse him, when he's just a plan old confused jerk.

Close male-female friendships are not for everyone.
One of the most important factors are very clear boundaries.
In your case, the boundaries don't seem to be mutually clear - assuming everyone was honest, he keeps to what he believes is non-romantic friendship but you got involved romantically.
Better end this relationship before things get really complicated. It hurts but it seems you can't keep your boundaries safe.

I don't think she necessary needs to end the friendship, but it would probably be good for them to take a break from each other.

Dear all,
thank you for your replies. I have already decided that I need a break and calm down, as this was clearly too much from my side.
But my trust is so low with him basically declaring all these signals of romance (I mentioned some) into "friendliness" or being surprised how I read them. And what I am wondering is, if this blindness towards the signals you send might be explained by some Autism-type thing. Or if this does not sound familiar and he is just as someone said a confused jerk.

I think it might be a good idea to suggest to him that the two of you stop seeing each other for some predetermined period of time, maybe one month, maybe two or three months, however long you think it will take for you to get over your romantic feelings for him. During that time, try to focus on other people instead. Then, if/when the two of you start talking again, be sure to set clear boundaries, e.g. no touching.

Does his fiancee know about your "platonic friendship"?

To me, the answer is clear. If he's keeping secrets from his fiancée, he's duplicitous.

I'd be done with the friendship unless his fiancée is onboard, and you meet her.

Some people have serial relationships which meet their own needs, but they don't care about the other person's feelings and they aren't respectful to their partners, emotionally.

Yes, it is common for Apies not to get "signals." Some of us can't remember faces.
But, this depends on the Aspie, just like some blind people can make out shapes, while others can't tell whether is is night time or day time. Body language hints are really hard for most Aspies, like calculus is for the typical grocery store worker.

Instead of trying to analyze his past behavior, I would suggest that you reach an agreement with him on how you and he will behave toward each other going forward, and then hold him to that agreement. He then will have no excuse if he continues to act like a "confused jerk."

Thank you! But you see, this are his own signals, he had been sending. Like phoning me from the bike "so we can talk longer". Or saying "I love you" when I did something. Or touching me briefly when alone with me. Or sitting across me and looking into my eyes. To me this is romantic/flirtatious and what really puts me off is that he seems almost unable to see that it was this way. And I am wondering if this might be an "Aspie"-thing. Or just plain old not admitting to something.

This. If he's not open with her about you, he's playing you. Either way, disengage.

How would it make a difference? Aspie or not, this is not a healthy friendship for you to continue in. I 2nd Mona's advice about taking time apart.

Nonono, I can walk the line with male-female-friendships, really in a way that is healthy for me. And I can ask him to not do certain things and be more assertive myself. However it does make a big difference to me to know if he is simply lying to me (or himself) about not understanding signals. Or if this could be A. related.
I know this sounds like I am looking for excuses and I am:
I like him very much and and I don't find it easy to let him go.

Last edited by ElizabethBerlin on 19 Aug 2019, 11:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's also possible that he's not fully aware of his own feelings. Many (not all) autistic people have something called alexithymia, difficulty identifying one's own feelings.

But I think you should focus on the future, not the past. As I said, I think you and he should take a break from each other, then reach an agreement on how you and he will behave toward each other going forward, then hold him to that agreement.