"But a woman's number of options doesn't matter!"

Page 6 of 9 [ 135 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 10:28 am

Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


rse92
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Oct 2021
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 294
Location: Buffalo, NY

12 May 2022, 12:05 pm

Dillogic wrote:



A nice but disabled, "poor" and "ugly" 40 something will be infinitely more attractive to me than a cruel but highly able, wealthy and the best looking 40 something around.



Yeah, right.



rse92
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Oct 2021
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 294
Location: Buffalo, NY

12 May 2022, 12:18 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


I did a fair amount of online dating between marriages for around four years. During that time I developed four intimate relationships, dated probably twenty-five women, and finally found my new wife. My first message to every single one of those women who I contacted first went like this:

"I read your profile and thought we might have some things in common. If you believe that as well, why don't you drop me a line? If not, I wish you all the best."

That first contact:

Is a soft sell
Is not desperate or aggressive
Is polite
Is truthful and sincere (a must)
Directs her to my profile to see what might "be in common" (NOTE: you better have a good profile)
Accepts that she might not respond and is OK with that
Rather than introducing yourself, let's her introduce herself to you.

After that, you have to play your cards right.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 12:48 pm

rse92 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


I did a fair amount of online dating between marriages for around four years. During that time I developed four intimate relationships, dated probably twenty-five women, and finally found my new wife. My first message to every single one of those women who I contacted first went like this:

"I read your profile and thought we might have some things in common. If you believe that as well, why don't you drop me a line? If not, I wish you all the best."

That first contact:

Is a soft sell
Is not desperate or aggressive
Is polite
Is truthful and sincere (a must)
Directs her to my profile to see what might "be in common" (NOTE: you better have a good profile)
Accepts that she might not respond and is OK with that
Rather than introducing yourself, let's her introduce herself to you.

After that, you have to play your cards right.



Yes, that’s exactly my approach. Concise and to the point.

Those who demand essays as a first message (and it’s creepy frankly) always end up to be egocentric.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 85,046
Location: Queens, NYC

12 May 2022, 12:50 pm

If I were participating in a dating app, I would probably write something decently comprehensive about myself.

I certainly wouldn't be one of those folks who just say "hi." "Hi" doesn't mean all that much.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 1:21 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
If I were participating in a dating app, I would probably write something decently comprehensive about myself.

I certainly wouldn't be one of those folks who just say "hi." "Hi" doesn't mean all that much.


Even the HRs don't recommend long cover letters anymore, unless the hiring manager explicitly requests it. The CV should do the deed.

Cover letter = first message
CV = profile


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 85,046
Location: Queens, NYC

12 May 2022, 2:20 pm

I don't mean a long essay.

I mean.....maybe a paragraph about myself. Not one or two-word messages.

I wouldn't respond to someone just saying "Hi."



ChrisInAustralia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 May 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
Location: Hobart

12 May 2022, 5:47 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
So I had a debate with a female acquaintance regarding dating; and it started by coincidence.

I showed her a woman's profile (who's very good looking) on my phone screen, because she was curious what kind of women I message on dating apps (long story) - she liked how she looks and what she wrote, so I sent her a first message .... she replied to it after like 20 minutes, so I sent her the next question, which is also something based on her profile and that acquaintance's advice.
During the evening outing, she kept asking me 'so did she reply yet?' and the answer was always no, she asked like for 10 times, at the end I was like "You have to be patient, a woman who looks like her probably receives tons of messages from other guys as well, maybe she won't reply anymore".
And she was like:

She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.

She: But nooo this is not how it works really! Confidence is the most attractive trait ever.

Me: How confidence is even relevant in that use case? we just exchanged only two texts.

She: Anyway any girl online receives tons of attention, that doesn't mean she's of high quality.

Me: Look...are you telling me that a very unattractive woman who gets 0 male attention in her daily life would have the same pickiness and standards as someone super attractive who gets tons of male attention everyday? You really think that the amount of options has no effect on that?
Come on ....of course numbers matter!

She: <kept denying with her soulmate narrative>.

She: Confidence means to believe that only you can be you, no one else can be you, and you are well educated and cultured.

Me: And so some of the 1000 may also be well educated and well cultured too. Some among them may even be better than me in every way.

Me: Let me give you an analogy, let's say you are lost in desert starving and you found 5 rotten apples in a box, ...of course you are gonna pick first the least rotten apple and eat it. Right?

She: right.

Me: Ok, now imagine you are a in supermarket, and you wanna buy an apple, of course you are gonna buy the most shiny apple out of the hundreds of apples on the shelf, right?

She: But people are not apples ....<soulmate narrative>.

<the whole evening passed and the online girl didn't reply yet>


So let's the fight begins! :lol:


Which school of thought you find the more logical one?



I was on dating sites last year. I became friendly with most women I met. Several told me the same thing. They get FLOODED with messages. The one I really hit it off with, saw my photo had a guitar and thought, cool a musician. Then her flood of messages meant I disappeared. I was rejected by another lady and drinking and I wrote to every woman who had not replied and said 'just say no, please, so I know' . that popped me to the top, and that night I was in bed with her (we became close friends). So women DO get flooded and it DOES make things a little random. you end up having to play numbers until chance falls your way. Having said that, I was insanely compatible with this woman, that stuff matters too.

Fun fact. She told me one thing that was super attractive is how confident I was. I am a ball of insecurity. I am not confident but I carry myself in the expectation that if I project who I am, people will decide what that means. I don't hide anything and I'm not bashful, even if I'm a ball of nerves inside. So confidence does matter, but you can fake it :)



Dillogic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,334

12 May 2022, 6:22 pm

rse92 wrote:
Yeah, right.


You might be surprised, but people can and do value different things in this life, whether from innate differences and/or experiences. "Nice" might be too simple a term though. Loyalty, kindness and dedication, for example, are just a few things that will come under the umbrella of "nice" to me. Eye of the Beholder and all that.

The ironic thing being it's quite a bit harder to know who is "nice", as almost everyone "masks" to some extent, hiding who they truly are, as Darwin also knew that emotions created via positive behaviors create attraction. Someone that'll backstab you isn't all that good from the perspective of natural selection.



ChrisInAustralia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 May 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
Location: Hobart

12 May 2022, 6:23 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


your main photo is not the main thing. She gets tons of photos. Your opening line is the main thing that will make her answer you.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 11:26 pm

ChrisInAustralia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


your main photo is not the main thing. She gets tons of photos. Your opening line is the main thing that will make her answer you.


No, but it is the main photo that most likely will make one whether to reply or not (even if you first message is perfect).

Anyway even okcupid became a clone of tinder now, so the photo is the main thing by design. And that’s not by coincidence, these multi-billions companies do extensive data analysis and studies to find out what works better, so they surely know more than you and me.
The tinder-like design is perfect for women because it is impossible for them to get flooded with messages, they only receive messages from males they have selected.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 12 May 2022, 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ChrisInAustralia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 May 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
Location: Hobart

12 May 2022, 11:29 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Anyway even okcupid became a clone of tinder now, so the photo is the main thing by design. And that’s not by coincidence, these multi-billions companies do extensive data analysis and studies to find out what works better, so they surely know more than you and me.
The tinder-like design is perfect for women because it is impossible for them to get flooded with messages, they only receive messages from males they like.


You're thinking of bumble. I spoke to women for weeks without seeing a photo. It was never a priority for me. But I can't speak for everyone



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 11:31 pm

^ No, not only bumble, I am talking about the okcupid, last time I checked it is a tinder clone now.
There’s the matching mechanism (you like her and she also has to like you), if you are not matched then she can never see your message.

Therefore no flooding in their side (unless they marked liking for tons of guys) , that’s the whole point of it.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,395
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 May 2022, 11:38 pm

See. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19693259?

https://www.reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/c ... ndr_clone/

But I bet the people who complain about these changes are guys; it is beneficial for the women though, no more random messages, no more flooding.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


ChrisInAustralia
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 May 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
Location: Hobart

13 May 2022, 12:23 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ No, not only bumble, I am talking about the okcupid, last time I checked it is a tinder clone now.
There’s the matching mechanism (you like her and she also has to like you), if you are not matched then she can never see your message.

Therefore no flooding in their side (unless they marked liking for tons of guys) , that’s the whole point of it.


cool. Women get a lot of abuse so I approve of this feature. It's why I liked bumble



rse92
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Oct 2021
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 294
Location: Buffalo, NY

13 May 2022, 7:09 am

ChrisInAustralia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ettina wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.


She's not picking at random, though. She might toss out a bunch of those guys immediately because they're obviously incompatible and wasting her time (like all the maledoms and guys who want fetishes I'm not into on FetLife), at which point they may as well not even be on the list. She might not pick any of the guys on the list - for example if she gets frustrated halfway through weeding out the incompatibles and gives up on online dating. Or she might pick the very first one on the list and not even look at the rest.

It really isn't about numbers, and guys making it about numbers make it harder for all guys to find connections. Guys who think like you are likely to send thousands of low-effort messages to women who, if they took any time whatsoever to figure out what they're looking for (eg actually reading the woman's profile - I have my likes and dislikes and the fact that I prefer to Domme clearly laid out on FetLife), would realize they have zero chance with. And then those women get overwhelmed and give up on dating, or else pick the first guy who isn't entirely wasting her time.

And meanwhile, some women go on dating sites and get zero messages.




You are assuming too much; no… I don’t send thousands of “low effort messages” lol. It was clearly stated in the OP that I send something related to their profile.

And what other than a one line quick intro message you want? An essay to boost your ego or to bore you to death? (Let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day it’s the main photo will be the most deterministic factor whether she will send the first reply or not).
There’s the profile for more details. No I have other things in life.

Anyway as I mentioned earlier I have been in 2 relationships since this thread and I am currently in a stable one.

So spare me the bs speech. ;)


your main photo is not the main thing. She gets tons of photos. Your opening line is the main thing that will make her answer you.


Seriously, you could write love sonnets like Shakespeare could, but your profile is going to determine whether she is ever going to give you an answer. And that's a two-way street; men are no different