The inadequacy is killing me

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I started dating this girl. Fell in love, that then turned into real deep love. Those feelings were never the issue for either of us. We also have things in common. Gaming, movies, tvseries so we always have things we can talk about either when we meet, on the phone or through texts. We also both deal with “issues”. For me it’s Aspergers, for her it’s borderline, depression and for both of us it’s social anxiety. Everything sounds great right?

There’s just one little thing. I get so jealous of her. She’s better than me at most things, she has better things. If I say I have a 100 dvds, she says she has two hundred. If I say I have some candy I haven’t eaten yet, she has a drawer full of it. If I say I have a pretty nice laptop to play my games, she has a tower with all the newest hardware, two monitors, gaming chair, wireless headset, a ps4,a ps3, a gaming laptop and 4 other laptops her friend made for her. If I talk about a game, she has already played it and not just a little bit. I made the mistake of talking about cs:go. She then said that she has been spending over 600 hours on that game, that she used to be master something very good but now she’s just playing competitive mode for fun. It just goes on and on and on. Whenever I feel I have something cool contribute she has something similar but much better. She doesn’t mean to go over the top with anything. It’s just an honest innocent reply but my complicated and less confident mind make it sound much different.

I tried mentioning this to her and as I suspected she gave the right answer (yes she also has more experience giving advice when it comes to lack of confidence despite telling me she doesn’t have any herself). She said “all that is just things, the fact that you don’t have all the same stuff as me doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person. It’s just materialistic stuff and it doesn’t matter to me if you have less”
Easy for her to say though. She’s the one with all the things. She’s the one who handles her anger and frustration better than me. She’s the one I’m jealous of even though I’m with her and she loves me. I feel I’m not good enough and I turn it into a chain reaction where I let my feelings of inadequacy turn into anger and that turns into complaining and arguing with her. Not once has she acted that way towards me.

Her latest suggestion is that she could teach me to become a better cs:go player so I could play with her and her friends. While I appreciate the thought I would probably just end up becoming embarrassed, only because I would never get as good as I wanted to be. I see her attempt at helping me as patronizing even if i know deep down that it isn’t.

So in conclusion, she’s an incredible girl and I love her very much but she also makes me nervous, sad, angry and uneasy because I keep feeling I can’t live up to her.

Have any of you in been in a relationship like this?

Since this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Most people have strengths and weaknesses. Aspies then to have great strengths and great weaknesses. It is alway a good approach to use your strengths to counterbalance your weaknesses. When two people become a couple, if offers the ability to combine the best of two people. It makes more sense to me to joint your strengths and not be jealous of your partners strengths because they can become your strengths.

I wouldn't worry about it. If she has better stuff than its probably just because she has more money than you.

She, obviously, digs you for you.

If she starts doing the oneupmanship thing, tell her to get off her high horse.

She earns less than half in fact

So you just get what you want, and she buys what she wants.

Maybe she gets money from her family or they buy her lots of nice things. It also could be a case of different priorities &/or needs. Maybe you have more medical expenses mb1tb(those of us on the spectrum do tend to see docs &/or psychs a lot), or your housing cost more, or your trying to save some money whereas she isn't. She could also be living beyond her means or paycheck to paycheck due to her spending a lot of money on things. I personally wouldn't be bothered by her having more stuff than me & would try to enjoy her stuff with her & maybe borrow some like games. I would be bothered if she needed me to spend a bunch of money on her like if she suddenly got a major expense or she started requiring me to pay for all the dates & everything else we do together in order for her to be able to buy more stuff. It doesn't sound like that's the case rite now thou mb1tb. I like what jimmy said. There's a reason your girl likes you mb1tb. Try to find out what that is & expand upon it. Be the best person you can be for her in other ways; like be there for her when she's having a bad day or some problem, treat her nicely & be sweet to her in whatever ways you can. The little things can make a huge difference sometimes.

Maybe she's not saving as much as you. Some people just spend all their money on computers and stuff as soon as they get it. Perhaps you have thousands of dollars more in savings than her because you don't spend your money as readily.

She may have a better computer than you now but in the long run you'll have a better car and a better house.

This might come across as rude, although it's not my intention: how old are you guys?

In my relationships, I was appreciative of women who can hold their own financially.

Be careful her having something that you don't doesn't destroy the relationship. Relax about it. Laugh and say you're jealous if you must, but don't start having a dig at her about it.

Well, I think that this is a serious obstacle to the relationship. This sounds more like sibling rivalry than a loving, romantic relationship to me.
How about trying therapy to get a grip on your self confidence? She sounds worth the effort.

First off, congratulations! Finding someone to love us back isn't very easy for Aspies. It took me quite a long time to have that happen to me.

Based on her diagnoses, she probably has feelings of inferiority and this is one way she tries to cope with it. Try to see it as an annoying little habit she has and keep it in proper perspective.

Long time no see, John.

Yes, I need to get on here more often. Life is good but work has been very busy. How are you Kraftie?

I’m doing all right. How’s the wife and kids?

I’m guessing you’re still “professoring.” You’ve done pretty well despite your “deficits.” I know many folks, whether NT or whatever who had trouble with romance when young.

I hope you haven’t been a victim of a tornado or severe thunderstorm. You’re right in the middle of tornado alley.

Yes, still teaching. Just started classes yesterday. We miss most of the Tornadoes around here, luckily. We have the Wichita Mountains northwest of town that seem to deflect the bad storms away from us.

My wife is ok, just started a new job in May, making more money than her last one. My daughter started driving in July, bought her a car a few weeks ago. Family is sure expensive!