Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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So does Canada.

It might just be the change you need, then.

Only you can make yourself happy. It sucks being depressed, but if you let it get to you then it validates your negative thoughts and leads to false beliefs about others which in turn becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

You are not the only person that is a virgin at 30. You are not the only person in your area that is a virgin at 30. Statistical impossibility.

Your brain is wired differently than most people. That typically means more IQ points, but less Charisma. So use your tools to figure out what the problem is, and make a solution. Build a tribe Or don't and stay depressed. It feels better for instant gratification, but not being depressed is better for your health

Everything I know about Canada I learned from Degrassi High.

Bad luck of having Aspergers has brought him to being a male virgin at 30. All the positive thinking nonsense will not change his situation. Move to a different country where quiet introverts are valued. In an English speaking nation, loud mouthed aggressive extroverts are valued more than quiet passive introverts.

I am a "weird" American. Not many Americans not only never use kilos and cm in their daily lives but certainly do not spell British like I do. Even weirder is when people find out that I am a born and bred American, yet I speak with a northern English accent. Granted, I studied a bit in the UK and thus picked up a lot of the speech patterns there, but for some reason I just felt comfortable keeping the accent that I heard over there and brought it back home. So perhaps I just give off a "weirdo" vibe due to this quirks.

True, I am not the only male virgin at 30. Perhaps there are not many female virgins at 30, but I have met some male virgins who are even older than I am. What has discouraged me in the past was seeing how they are mistreated by people at meetups and by society in general just for their virgin status. I had a male acquaintance who was a male virgin at 33, and at meetups many people pick on him because of gossip that goes round and they find out about his being a virgin. Some even refuse to talk to him because they do not want to socialise with older virgins (??).

I remember a few years ago a woman asked me how I best could describe myself in a few words. I said, "human calculator". She thought that was weird, but it is quite true. Like a calculator, all you have to do is press my buttons (not literally) and I output a concrete answer based on logic and calculation. Ask me about how something "feels" and I will have no idea, because I cannot "feel" things. I can only calculate outcomes using given variables. Which probably makes me seem emotionally aloof and robotic to women.

Thank hell I am a polyglot, know Spanish to basically native level, plus know Portuguese, Italian, Catalan, Dutch and Norwegian to advanced/near-native levels, plus a few other languages to intermediate level in my repertoire. Not that it matters because women whom I have met generally do not care about this, but since I learn languages relatively quickly, it increases my prospects for immigration to Europe because I would never have problems passing language requirements.

Well yes I agree it looks weird and treating a doll as if it's a living person seems even stranger. Ultimately it's fantasy play though and can/does provide an outlet. It certainly creates a problem when something like this is preferred to the real thing.


To some extent I think it has to do with people just not having very good boundaries. I'm all for being open about sexuality and sex but to talk about it - and your partners to everyone around seems inappropriate to me. It's about the conquest, not about feelings or intimacy nor does it have a consciousness of the other personas privacy. It makes it cheap. (to me anyway...)


Good for you!

Those of us with ASD often will have some naivety to us. We're ore inclined to 'follow the rules' so if we're asked a question, we just answer it. As you've learned, that can have some bad blow back. It's a lot of negativity to take so of course we internalize it and end up feeling miserable. Setting that rule for yourself might make it harder to find people to make bonds with but they content of the people will be better and less stressful on your mental/emotional health.

You're likely right that your openness to answer gave them a green light to pry and then give you crap about it. It's a rather predatory type of behavior on their part.


Sometimes when something said to 'lighten the mood' it isn't necessarily going to get laughter. But your perception of it is probably correct since it fits in with a pattern. That is rather unfortunate... and irresponsible of them


It's hard to not compare ourselves to what is around us, everyone gets caught up in it somewhere along the line. You do ave to remember that you are not like them though. You are truly different because of the ASD and so the 'rules' and what is 'normal' is not going to be the same as everyone else. This does not make you less, it does not make you inferior just different. And being different we all have to learn to be a bit more patient and gentle with ourselves.

Those people may be getting more dates, but that also means they are getting rejected more LOL There's different ways to find someone, for some it is about dating lots of people and others just bump into them on the street. People having that many dates typically aren't having ones of great substance either. I mean it shows clear that they are opting for quantity and being more lenient on the quality. So if you're looking for quality, have the difficulties that ASD can give you, and really don't mesh well with the people you are meeting it is going to be difficult so give yourself props on those little victories.


I agree with you about NTs. They might seem easy to get to know but at some point it starts getting harder or it can be like running into a brick wall. Then they get mad at you for asking what behind the wall.

I'm sure you don't always make a bad impression. You don't make that kind of impression online at the very least. There are some things you can do to improve how you appear though. Not necessarily anything drastic where you feel like you're trying to be someone else, but making sure you stand tall, have your eyes up and just being mindful of other body language. We tend not to notice these things a lot but NTs do and we inadvertently can send the wrong message and impression.

In my experience many people tend to not try to go in a bit deeper to know someone. I don't know if they just don't want to put the time in, if they are afraid of exposing that part of themselves, if they plain don't care or some other reason. Meeting people and talking to them is sort of a game of strategy, especially when looking for a date. I prefer people be honest and I'd generally prefer to be that way myself but in this 'game' there are things you do need to hold back (early stages at least) and others you need to make look sparkly. Your education is one of those sparkly things, certainly.

Don't we all? u.u

As I already kind of said; the ASD tends to give us different time lines that are pretty individual to each of us. It's challenging to come to grips with that at times because we do want to 'fit in' and seem 'normal'. I don't know about others or you, but there is also sometimes a fear that if you don't have the experience when others your age are, you might not ever. It's a little bit irrational but because it relies on having to trust that it will happen when its time for you it can feel perilous.


Phew, that must be really hard on you. But I think you deserve congratulations for nothing falling into that, it would have been very easy to adapt that mentality. That sort of thing might have been to some advantage back in the stone age but now it's just that, rather archaic. I hope you are able to set your own guidelines for yourself of what a man is and should be. Hopefully some day your dad will be able to understand that kind of man.


Its possible you have encountered some ND women as we do tend to be better mimicking. It's one of the reasons that so many females have gone along diagnosed. It's not particularly apparent with me; people tend to think I'm a little strange and quiet but otherwise normal. The things you listed aren't typical for us but we can be those things; sometimes it may be a 'on occasion' situation.

Regardless if a woman is NT or ND loud places with partying probably isn't going to be the best place for you to find someone compatible.


I think dating in general everywhere is kind of hard. In your case though it does seem that the personalities in your location is making it worse. You just might be able to find more like minded people in Europe.



It sounds like another one of those things where someone is trying to make a buck. There probably is some valid advice in there but hard to find when it all seems rather gimmicky. For instance there is validity in reading about body language but how it is explained may not mesh with the way you think and process. It would need to be explained differently and in some cases tweaked a bit. If straight on is the best fit for a NT then maybe tweaking it to the left, right or stretching it will make fit the ND person best. Overall, that kind of email thing probably won't be a lot of help.



I'm not sure that Guy Incognito meant to make it seem that to be appealing you'd have to act as someone else. I'm myself when I wear an oversized T and lounge pants, but I'm also myself when I'm all dressed up. One of these versions is likely more appealing but both are still me. If you hate fitness then just doing it to have a certain look would be 'faking it', but if you feel good about doing it its not like you're trying to be someone else. When I think of making ones self appeal its a matter of taking what is already there and making it more visible and presentable. Perhaps you need to take some time to see what things about yourself that is already appealing? Even awkwardness can have its own appeal with the right people.

The wheelchair thing and eating in a nice restaurant with the doll is probably more or the weirder side. However, I think that an area where it perhaps might be helpful would be if those guys use the doll as trying to "practise" on doll with getting rid of awkwardness and other things. But in terms of fitting in, maybe it would be the case that I would just be considered just a normal guy in a place like Japan. Here, not really.



Personally I would not talk about this to anyone in public. Other than my mother, the only person with whom I would even discuss such a matter would be that same friend from school whom I have known since age 5. And in any case, this would be in private, i.e. a one-on-one conversation. I would not even discuss this in a place where anyone else could overhear or eavesdrop. And yes, probably it is about a conquest thing. To me it seems like they think that it is a game. Like in an MMORPG like WoW where you get XP and level up. Except here sexual experiences are their XP.



Part of this answering questions is part of my robotic nature. I am like a robot, where I just do things like input/output. In the past, if someone asked me a question, no matter how ridiculous or offensive, I would just answer it without thinking. Again, input = question, output = answer. Now I am more suspicious and cynical. I try to think about why they are asking and what they gain from it, plus if this person is prone to gossip. Trying to undo this robotic behaviour is a bit difficult at times, because I sometimes I do not realise when I am being robotic. But now I do know that answering questions automatically has often been to my detriment. What I really notice about when they are trying to get information to use it against me is when they ask me all sorts of intrusive questions, yet if I ask them back, they make some excuse about why they cannot answer, or just say something like, "Oh, no, I was only asking you, this is not about me..." or some other BS.



My only "friend" (I am not sure about this term, because I usually refer to people as friends only if I know them for a long period like a decade and talk to them regularly) from meetups is a guy in his 40s from rural Minnesota. He struggles a lot in dating here, just like most guys. But still, he actually goes out a lot. He is nerdy but tells me about his dates. He goes out about maybe 4 times per week, mostly from either meetups or his numerous online dating apps. I go out on dates once per year. Doing quick calculations, he goes out (4 times/week)(52 week/year) = 208 times per year. I go out once per year. So if I compare myself to this guy, he goes out on dates 208 times as often as I do.

I am not sure if this guy has ASD, as he is more socialable than I am. But still, even so, I should not be so hard on myself given that social interactions are not as easy for me.

And the people who are not my friends but I just meet them, they often tell me without my asking, i.e. unsolicited information. They brag about going out this and that so often, and I feel despondent. Sometimes I really wonder if they are telling me with the specific aim of making me lose self-esteem, since a lot of people at meetups do not like me in the first place, and gossip continually goes round about my being weird and single. I mean why the hell are some guys coming up to me at meetups when I barely talk to them and say, "You know, I got five dates this week. 7s and 8s. Got my game going." I just look at them, and wonder why even reveal this to me.



By definition, since I have had basically no success in dating nor even a kiss in my entire 20s, I have missed out on romance in my 20s completely. I try my best not to dwell on this, because I take things so seriously and then feel so regretful that I overthink and obsess about it so much that it destroys my physical health, causing me very high blood pressure, and lowering my immune system, causing me to get viral infections as well as depression. But it is like if someone punched me in the belly when I realise that I did nothing romantic in my entire 20s. I learnt that time goes forwards, not backwards, obviously, but I cannot magically return to age 20 and relive my life differently. I have to go on with what I have and how I am.

And yes, you are right. By definition, there exists a nonzero chance that I could easily live the rest of my life failing completely in dating and be in the exact same state at my time of death as I am now. But I just have to accept that possibility. Personally, I think that from what I learnt over the past couple of months, the chance of that should definitely be lower since I have identified a lot of problems whereof I was never cognizant in the past. The whole reason I joined the forum was when this year I learnt about ASD and all of its symptoms first from my mother's situation, then myself as I have basically the same systems like her but more severe. Both my mother and I (and my maternal grandfather as well) have all suffered in the romance department, with very few relationships, and in most cases only one. Maybe I might end up like that too. But at least having that one success would be a positive compared to zero.



Yes, dating is hard in general. I can see how my situation would still partially carry over into dating in a European country and cause similar problems. ASD, social awkwardness, plus several types of anxiety are never going to really be a positive in dating. But it is also true that where I am the people are just way too judgemental. Most people who are not into the superficial things like making large amounts of money and getting huge amounts of sex and dates have told me that relating to people in general is just really difficult here. Even that guy from Minnesota who is kind of my only friend in this city tells me that back home in Minnesota people were way more genuine and friendly compared to here. This pattern that I keep hearing from people makes me think that I just live in a very difficult place where judgemental people outnumber non-judgemental people.



When I think now about the type of man culture on my father's side it really seems silly. Whilst both my mother and father grew up in third-world countries with macho culture, my father's side has a more macho culture than my mother's. Like I said, my father messed up three times and had three unwanted sons which became my step-brothers. Then I became an uncle at around age 5 because my step-brothers kept making his mistake, messing up and getting women pregnant. I think that I have over 10 nieces and nephews now due to their carelessness. But since they are not virgins, they do not really get criticised. Instead I get the criticism. Now my step-brothers all are overweight with heart disease due to eating too much meat and fat, plus have a bunch of unwanted children with various women. And then they ask why I have no girlfriend or wife. Adding this up altogether makes it sound like downright blatant stupidity to me.



I generally get suspicious of these types of advice. This woman charges $99 per month (!) for her course on dating advice for men. What makes me feel weird is like how it is included in the price some sort of dictionary from female speech translated into plain English. I am a written translator by profession (I studied biology, maths and chemical engineering and plan to study medicine in the future, but I ended up doing translation due to lack of job opportunities in those fields here. But that is another story). As a translator, the thought of translating from "female" into "male" speech sounds honestly ridiculous. I cannot imagine that dating has to be so hard that I would have to translate what a woman says into "male" speech, as if I were translating from German into Spanish.

On another forum, some guy from SF wrote me a PM about saying how he understands how my area is notoriously difficult for dating, and probably the most difficult place for dating in the entire USA. But then he offered his dating psychology site, with $60 per session. It seems like everyone wants to make some money based on this area being hard for dating…

I just returned from a meetup. I still struggle to parse social situations, but hopefully improving. Since it was a Europeans meetup, I met some Europeans. Since I speak several European languages, I can bypass language barriers. I spoke with some Catalan women and had more meaningful conversations than with the Americans here. When I left, the woman at the welcome entrance to the venue, who appeared to be in her early to mid 20s, looked at me for a few seconds. Not to enter politics, but I had a Bernie shirt on, and she said, "I like your shirt!". I said, "Thanks", then she smiled and giggled a bit. I left, but then started thinking, is that a good sign? Or am I just overthinking and she meant nothing. It is very hard for me to gauge interest when direct words are not involved. If I make a guess, I might misinterpret. Often I just get left in doubt in social situations like this.

Normal within certain groups. There's plenty of their own people that would view them as sexual deviants. Hentai to the max! But yeah there is more acceptance over there, here everyone hides their sex dolls lol


Not talking about such things especially in the detail people seem comfortable with public seems sensible to me! I feel rather certain that you're right with the idea that at least some view it as a game. There's an attitude that it's fine to blab about because it "just sex" and no big deal but at the same time they've set an importance on having sex. Insecurity is a possibility too. After getting messages, like you've had, there may be a feeling of being compelled to talk about one's sexual successes to make others aware you're not a reject. This would be very sad and goes back into the silly and toxic idea that sexual activity equates to desirability and a person's worth.


It entirely sucks that we have to learn to be suspicious to the point of cynicism in order to protect ourselves from those that would exploit our natures. >:( this is the part that often can make one feel they aren't being fully authentic, since you do have to hold back what you would have otherwise been inclined to do/be. But self preservation takes priority. More than a few times I've also identified the things you mentioned or I could tell I was potentially being set up for mockery.

The robot comparison isn't an unusual one with Autism. I myself can be quite methodical and will run on an autopilot that is rather robot like. Some people really don't like being compared to a robot, you've used it a few times; is it a comparison you like or does it make you feel like you're "cold"?


Your last sentence, absolutely. Aside from the many complications that ASD can bring socially this acquaintance of yours also likely has years worth of dating experience that you just don't yet. That's fine, you'll learn but for the current situation that can provide an advantage for him. As someone with ASD going out 4 nights a week sounds exhausting to me. Like I want to take a nap for him lol


My inclination is to think it's not personal. It certainly can feel that way but I tend to find people tend to be unconscious of their words vs purposely mean...Not that those aren't around too though.

Maybe they're just trying to start a conversation?? Like just trying to engage you into some "bro" talk? IDK.

Why do you think people there don't like you in the first place? The awkwardness? Robotic? Your style? Something else/more?


Ah yeah I can also be like that. I'm sure there are others here that can also relate. It may be an ASD thing where our emotions literally can make us sick. Or just tend to bring harm. When I get very low and I don't get sick there's a good chance I'm going to end up injured. Last time it was a metal gate to the face.

You're not alone in feeling like there has been sort of wasted time. We spend so much time on trying to survive and get along in a world not set up for us it's inevitable certain experiences and things are missed or pushed back. You have the right attitude, we can only go forward from where we stand.


There is a big positive in that information and that's the fact that you exist. Despite the limited and romantic difficulties they suffered they still did come to a success that lead to you. So yes you may end up like that/them and there is hope in that. It only really takes one anyway doesn't it? Unless all you ever want to do is date that never goes anywhere 0.0


Certainly people in different parts of the country have different ways of being. NYers are known for being loud and insulting, the rest of New England is sometimes seen as snobby and southerners tend to have a rep for being the most friendly. I have a friend in Long Beach area that often will complain about the superficialness of people there and that they have a preoccupation with getting high being needed to have fun. So it may well be the particular concentration of the kind of people where you are.


Can't argue with you there xD these days there are plenty of women that find that macho stuff really unattractive, with any luck that will become more normal.

Just tell your step brothers that you're aiming for perfection and that takes time!


Hah. I can't really imagine how much of a clod someone would be to actually need something like that. We (females) often do use speech differently than men and much of it is dependent on tone of voice. But to make up a whole dictionary seems like a gag book that your order off Amazon.


It's not a negative. It made an opening for a possible conversation and she initiated it. It could be she just liked your shirt and is giggly or she might have just used it as a reason to speak to you. I would label it a matter requiring more investigation.

Btw I would imagine your adapted accent would peak interest. Accents tend to be attractive features...unless you are speaking like a scullery maid or something

You sound like such an interesting person. If you are meeting women who don't care about the languages and don't think "human calculator" is cute, well, you are moving in the wrong circles. You need to find "your people." They exist. Where I live many things you've described would be considered assets to most people I know.

Love the less popular languages on your list. I'm impressed. I realize that you gain nothing from impressing an older married woman like me, but if I'm impressed, there are other women who will be, too. I'm not that unusual. Know your assets. Speaking sweet nothings in a foreign language is an asset. being able to translate foreign texts and music, etc., is an asset. There is something very romantic in foreign language. A lot of women think so.

Personally I do not find anything wrong with hentai, it is just another version of...well, you know. Here where I am I cannot imagine anyone saying publicly that they are into hentai and then not be a subject of big gossip. I have met a lot of Japanese people in their 20s and 30s here, but this has not normalised a lot of Japanese sex culture here. Again, this "club of normalcy" mindset is very engrained here. It is strange though. As an example, there are a lot of alternative things like vegetarian/vegan restaurants, and many people here are vegetarian/vegan. That is accepted. But tell someone that you are a virgin, and they think that you have very serious problems. Over here, both omnivores and vegetarians/vegans tend to reject people like me. Imagine a guy bringing up that they have a robot woman doll.



That is the feeling that I get. When they talk about their own relationships and sexual history, they are establishing a "normal" based on their experiences = normal. So then they are essentially coming back to me and then even though they do not say it explicitly, they are asking subtlely, "Can you prove to me that you are normal and have the same experiences that I have had?" Of course the pressure is on me and I am on the spot, often in front of several people if talking in a group. The people in the circle are looking at you waiting eagerly for your answer. So what to do? In the past like I said I just answered automatically. Now, even when in a social circle and people are all staring at me waiting for my answer about sexual and relationship histories, I just say that it is none of their business. Quite often they get angry not at the asker, but at me, because I am "unfriendly" and "closed off" for not revealing these details about my personal life. I often feel like I live in an arse-backwards place, where blame is put on the wrong people all the time.

I remember lately one time a guy asked me not only once, but at each meetup each week he kept asking me about this. I eventually got irritated and asked him, "Why do you keep asking me this? What do you want from me?" and he got offended and said, "You keep refusing to answer. It only makes me more curious and makes me think that you have something embarrassing to hide."



Right now due to all of the incidents that happened since primary school all the way up to now, I am quite paranoid about people's intentions when they ask me questions. I am not sure how robotic and automatic you are in answering questions, but like I said when I was 6 or 7 years old, some strangers got my house phone number. They somehow found out that my family and I were soon to leave on holiday, and they kept calling in the afternoon when my parents were at work. I would answer the phone and they kept asking me what the exact dates would be when we would leave on holiday and the house would be vacant. When I told my parents, they got angry and asked why did I answer these people, why I did not think before answering questions like that. My parents had to change the locks to the house in case, plus get some relatives to look after the house when we were gone to ensure that there was no burglary.

In social situations, i.e. meetups and stuff, as I said, in my 20s people would ask me all sorts of intrusive questions, and were probably quite pleased that I answered no matter how intrusive, grotesque or ridiculous their questions were. When I really started to suspect that people were gossiping was when someone would act "nice" and ask me questions, like if I am single. I would answer automatically that I have always been single. The next week, I talk to someone else, and this person starts telling me, "Hey, so, you have always been single..." and I would ask them how the hell do they know that. They would say that the person who had asked me last week told them my answers.



It is not something that I particularly like about myself, but I just "tell it as I see it". I do seem rather robotic, and even I can see it in myself. I often get comments about how I never smile, how I always have a poker face, etc. I mean, there is some truth to it, I barely smile, I just have this rather flat, blank facial expression. Like someone who is asleep yet their eyes are wide open at the same time.

I do feel that people consider me "cold", because I just have problems with showing emotions. For example, when I was 19 and studying in the UK, I used to go out to social events with fellow university students a lot. Mostly to bars and nightclubs, which actually sounds very strange given my character. But back then I did try a lot going to nightlife events. Small incidents, like when a girl from my dorm and I were going to take the bus to a nightclub and meet the rest of the students of our year there, she quietly without saying anything, tried to lock arms with me. Since I have very sensitive reflexes to touch, I instantly flinched, and my arm flew in the opposite direction and unlocked from hers. Things like this make people think that I am "cold" and emotionless. Like lacking basic human connection and emotions. I am not really sure how to remedy this issue though.

Also it does not help that since my father is a karate blackbelt, I took karate as a teenager, and got to about within two belt levels of attaining a blackbelt. Since I had to study so much in school and had so little time to do karate, I quit and did not get a blackbelt. But the karate training instilled in me a lot of reflexes to touch. So now if anyone touches me without telling me or giving me prior warning, due to reflexes I automatically go into defensive mode and sometimes accidentally karate block people as if they were trying to attack me. I think that this makes people think that I am even weirder. It is hard on dates because if a woman touches me somewhere like on the back or arm, sometimes I get this instinct to protect myself using karate blocks.



He is a tech nerd, which is basically over 90% of males in this city. But still he somehow gets dates. His age itself probably does mean that he has much more experience than I do. I think that he feels frustrated in the dating scene here, that he is trying hard to go out as much as possible, like a numbers game.

He is quite honest that he is failing in dating here in SF despite going out way more than I do. But he is not a virgin and has had several relationships already. By definition, he is much more ahead of me.

Personally if I went on dates four times a week, I would also be tired. Not only physically, but mentally. Trying to not act weird on dates constantly would cause me more mental stress than any amount of tournament chess that I could play.



There are a lot of "bro" guys here. I mean seriously, guys who (even in their 30s and 40s) actually say "bro" every few sentences, in addition to fitting into the "bro" stereotype. I think that the term "tech bro" basically was born out of this city. The "game" about dating is talked about a lot here.

Well the people who make negative comments and gossip about me by definition most likely do not like me in the first place. But the awkwardness and the lack of common interests I feel make the others not like me.

I get told that I am brutally honest, with no nuance or softening of what I say. It just something that comes naturally, when I have an opinion I just state it clearly and plainly. I think that this really "rubs" people the wrong way here, because in Northern California, being more superficial and bullshitting, at least to me, seems to be more the norm than saying something straight and honest.

For example, if someone asks me my interests, I say chess and foreign languages. Often someone would say, "Ah, I never tried that, not really my thing, but yeah, do you go hiking?" Someone from a more brutally honest culture like New York City or Slavic Europe would respond more honestly by saying, "I see. I do not like those things, but good that you have unique interests."

Or if you do not like a restaurant or whatever because it is too expensive, I would just straight and to the point say, "I really do not like that restaurant. They charge way too much for what you get. And the quality of the food is poor." People often get shocked that I am so negative or whatever. Even if someone feels the exact same like I do, they would "soften the blow" and BS by saying, "Oh, it was really good, you should try it! It is a bit more elegant, though, so the prices might be a little bit higher." See how they said "it was really good" no matter how bad they think the food is. And instead of saying that the place is expensive, they say that it is "elegant" and that prices might be "a little higher". This is what I mean by how people use superficial BS comments to mask what they truly want to say.

So what I mean is that people here do not like the negative. They want to "soften the blow" by pretending that everything is good and will often BS people with fake, positive comments when they really do not have the courage to say what they really want to say. I, however, just say what I feel without this BS to soften the blow. That really rubs people the wrong way. But I really prefer brutal honesty to just superficial BS, which is essentially just trying to lie in a nice way.



A few times in high school, when I became so depressed about my own failures as a guy, I actually vomited. As in, not even having a stomach problem, the negative thoughts manifested into some sort of physical reaction that caused my system to induce vomiting. Given that at 27 I was diagnosed with hypertension, I cannot risk overobsessing about my failures and getting blood pressure with readings like 190/100. It is not fair to cause myself a heart attack over this stuff.

Before I started going to meetups, I was in such depression that around age 24-25 I talked to no one and met no one in person besides where I had to, like store clerks or the doctor. The ruminations about how I was single and stuff made me lose my appetite so badly that I lost a third of my body weight, from 85 kg (180 lb) to 55 kg (120 lb) and my doctor asked me if I was anorexic/bulemic. Not to mention my blood pressure was soaring way too high from the mental beatings that I gave myself.

So now I just have to move forward. Being mathematical, it makes sense anyway--time is linear and forward, so I just have to adapt accordingly. No use in worrying about my 20s when it means wasting more of my 30s.



Strangely, despite being a San Franciscan born and bred, the type of American that I have more chances of understanding are New Yorkers. They are brash and brutally honest. I have met a few New Yorkers here that told me that people in SF said that they are so rude and too obnoxious. The brutal honesty is a big no-no here in SF. Somehow, my honesty really "shines through" in my personality. I just hate BS and when people try to deceive and lie using passive-aggressive hints like they do here. Some people here have said that I act more like a New Yorker than a San Franciscan, due to my brutal honesty. So it is the case that I do not even really fit in in my own hometown.

In Europe, though, I found people just more genuine and truly friendly. If people do not like you, they let it be known, and you both go your separate paths. If they like you though, they are loyal friends for life. No BS. Over here in SF people are "friends" if they talked to you for 10 minutes, then later they become backstabbers and gossipers. I never felt this way in Europe.



If you come from a first-world, more forward-thinking family, the comments that they make would really offend you on a regular basis.

Sometimes on the rare occasions that I even meet my step-brothers, they always ask where is my wife and stuff. But really stupid stuff, like they pick on me for wearing an undershirt. "Only girls wear undershirts" I was told a few times. But when I say, "So why do the men's section of clothes stores sell so many undershirts?" they have no answer.

My father got a bit irritated lately because I came home from Portugal, and one of the many souvenirs was a little lined souvenir notebook with "Lisboa" on its cover. I use this notebook to write my thoughts about life and how I feel. But he says, "Only girls write in diaries." So these comments are due to the culture and background in which they grew up. But this is just petty really to get angry over things like these, in my opinion.

Like I said in my other thread about third-world relatives, my father's family are really into the old macho ways. A lot of them are not omnivores, but more like carnivores. As in, when I see them eat, their plate is filled with meat. Zero vegetables. Not even starch. Just pure meat: pork, beef, lamb, whatever, plus the accompanying lard. But remember, real men eat meat. Only women eat vegetables. Or so they say.

And one of my step-brothers is completely messed up, not only obese with heart disease and cholesterol/blood pressure problems, but he is separated from multiple women, with unwanted children from each of them, plus now just doing one night stands on a regular basis. I mean, I do not understand how his case is considered better than mine, just because I am virgin/single. How do you tell your children that you never wanted them in the first place, plus all of them each have a different mother because you messed up with contraception?



I was thinking that. And using logic, how did people in pre-Internet times get by dating without such dictionaries and courses on dating? I know that for me and many others, dating is hard, but to have to enter a sort of tutor/class to date? Surely it cannot be that difficult.



This is where I fail. I cannot interpret what is going on by any sort of calculation, so I try to make some guess based on intuition. Except I lack much of the intuition that so-called normal people have.

At that particular moment, I really had no clue, so I just said, "Thanks", opened the door and left. I tried analysing it afterwards, but I never really came to any conclusion. In times in the past, I just ignored moments like these, only to later have friends ask me why I did not continue talking and that so-and-so was actually interested and what not. I always seem to misread situations.

My accent is from Manchester in northern England, since I studied there. It is a bit (not too much, but slightly) similar to the Liverpool accent. So I sound somewhat similar to how the Beatles sound. Which is quite odd for an American to talk like that.

I find it very curious that your profile says Northern California. That is where I live, and the overwhelmingly majority of women whom I have met over the past years have generally felt my languages and other stuff to be useless hobbies. Often the reply is why I do not use the time for languages to go hiking or to nightclubs to dance or whatever.

At times I try not to talk too much about the languages and my other hobbies, because I have been made fun of in the past for it. It is seen as too nerdy and more of a thing that introverted people do because they lack social skills to go out and party or meet people. I really do not know of these circles that would appreciate it, because based on my experiences, I would not have even known that they existed.

I'm sorry to hear this, you will find someone, love has no limit or age.

You're still young.

Sometimes these things when you'll least expect it, especially when you'll give up on the idea of love! You'll find someone you'll see. You have many hobbies and interests, try befriending girls first, sometimes starting off as friends leads to potential relationships!

I can relate! it's difficult to find mutual and reciprocal love, I have the fear of in the future not finding that or if I do, if my family will jeopardise it by interfering via sly messages ect.

They want me to forever be there little girl and it kills me inside, feel like a part of me is dying. I yearn for my own family too and worry that , due to there meddling, I'll miss out and someday it'll be too late for me.

I wish you all the best! I hope you'll find that special someone. Good luck

It is easier to spend more time on work and hobbies.
You are wasting lots of time going no where.
Over thinking is making your life miserable.
No opinion on here is going to change your situation.
Bitterness and resentment of having missed out on in your 20s.
There is no age when life gets easier.

It is a little odd that we probably don't live all that far from each other, but within every location there are different circles of relationships, and that seems to be more of the issue than the physical location. My son loves to hike but I don't think he's ever been to a nightclub. His social circle locally is based off his friends from high school, and more broadly from a combination of Boy Scouts, summer jobs, college, clubs (computer game design, Magic (game), etc) and travel. He spent a year studying abroad in Europe and worked very hard to learn the local language (we also have family there). Have you ever gone to Friday Night Magic at a local game store? It's mostly male, but new friends introduce people to new friends, etc. He met his girlfriend at his summer job (although they didn't start dating until close to a year after they met). He's currently hanging out at home job hunting (and developing new game ideas) so if you think it would be helpful to introduce you two I could talk to him. It might be a way of working on finding different social circles. He's a lot younger than you are, though. Message me if you want to discuss it.

Meanwhile, my advice many pages back stands: own your choices, don't get bitter, don't blame. You don't need all women or even most women to appreciate your background; you only need one.

Another atypical characteristic for someone like me is that despite being from this area, I highly dislike outdoors and physical stuff like hiking and climbing. I am very indoors and sitting in a room doing my thing.

I think that someone made a comment about not meeting introverts because they do not usually even go out and attend social events in the first place. So that might be a reason why most of the women whom I meet are very extroverted and gregarious. Even then, most of the other meetups in my area are IT/software/coding thing, which I really dislike as well.

I used to attend a foreign language meetup in bars, but the gender ratio was atrocious. The average ratio was over 95% male, and in some cases even 100% male some weeks. And most people were speaking languages like Mandarin, Japanese and Korean. Since I speak all European languages, I felt quite out of place even at specialist language meetups.

Like I wrote in the previous post, I try not to think about everything that I missed in my 20s. It leads to ruminations and then my physical health suffers a lot. My previous habit of comparing myself to people who had more success in certain areas like these is often self-defeating. I realise that unlike them, I am starting off with a lot of social "handicaps".

I think that now, unlike before, I realise that basically most of my male acquaintances and friends would most likely also be single/virgin at age 30 if they had even half the problems that I have.

How much of your distress is from being a virgin, and how much is from a lack of companionship?

Have you considered a sexual surrogate?