Complaints that NTs have about AS partners

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I know a lot of NTs who frequently complain that their AS partner is self absorbed and doesn't take care to make their partner feel appreciated and wanted. For example, AS partners info dumping on NT partners but never asking their partner about their day.

Do you think this is likely to be a problem for AS individuals? I frequently worry that my NT associates think that I'm self absorbed...what is your opinion?

I think their main complaint is if I'm audible, then visible, then present. Everything else is secondary, ASD notwithstanding, neurotypes such as mine were voted off the island years ago.

I have significant doubts that anyone who gets along with me at all is NT anyway.

NTs who give an aspie the same expectations as NTs are the ones that are like this. People who aren't like that will accept them for who they are.

I have a NT Boyfriend, we are doing great, we been together for 8 months

This is a problem which, for many of us, could be relatively easily corrected.

A much harder-to-correct problem would be if the NT partner wants the autistic partner to "just know" what the NT partner wants at any given moment, without being told.

Another hard-to-correct problem would be if the NT partner wanted the AS partner to express affection in lots of miscellaneous odds and ends of little ways throughout the day. Autistic people generally have trouble keeping track of lots of miscellaneous little odds and ends of responsibilities. Many of us also need to be focused on one thing at a time for long periods of time. Some of us may also have sensory (or other) issues with some commonly-expected ways of expressing affection.

Many autistic people also have a tendency to react explosively to various things that wouldn't bother NTs all that much. For example, I personally have a tendency to react explosively when my concentration is abruptly broken. (I ask that my concentration be broken gently, e.g. by saying just my name at first and waiting for me to respond before saying anything else.)


All of the above-mentioned issues might be interpreted by the NT partner as "self-absorbed." Some of these are difficult if not impossible for the autistic partner to change. In that case, the only remedy is to explain the underlying neurological issues and hope that the NT partner can be understanding about them.

My son's first real girlfriend considered my son arrogant. He isn't, but he can came across that way because of how strongly he advocates for his opinions. All she needed to do was say in the moment how he was coming across and making her feel. She claimed she knew to do that. She claimed she understood he wasn't being critical when he came off as critical. But she didn't really. She let the insensitive things really hurt her without challenging him in the moment. I felt like in the end she blamed him for being ASD even though she had an ASD family member and was supposed to understand the condition. My son's conclusion is that she was never as interested in his opinion as she would say she was, and was a lot more sensitive than she claimed to be. NT woman should know that if they ask an ASD boyfriend for an honest opinion, and claim they truly want to know the truth, they are going to get just that. Don't blame the guy for giving it when you've asked for it.

His current GF is also ASD. They aren't having any of these issues.

A common complaint is remembering things like birthdays and anniversaries. These are not important to my son, but he'll be gracious if someone reminds him (which I make a point of). With his current GF, neither of them remember things like anniversaries and neither of them mind.

I make it point to remember birthdays and such. I liked asking about romantic interests days but found they didn’t like telling or talking about their day.
Or rather I guess they didn’t like talking to me .

There are some people over a certain age who don't like talking about birthdays. Nothing to do with not wanting to talk to you.

Meant the talking about their day thing
But it’s more then that they don’t want to talk about their interests, dreams, goals, hobbies, anything. I’m told if a woman likes you then she’ll want to talk to you and talk about herself. So I’ve never had a woman like me.

I'll need to ask my NT husband. I anticipate... Compliments: he likes my honesty (and naivety), he loves that I am excited by simple things. Complaints: he dislikes that I am critical, he dislikes that I "freak out" easily.

I think it's hard for my NT wife in many respects. I know she loves me because she says so and she's still around. I know I can make her happy and make her laugh and that it's not all bad.

I can't read her moods very well. When she's upset, I can't read how upset she actually is or I don't know the best way to react even if she does tell me she's upset. That can be very hard for her.

I know given that I don't have a filter around her, things I'll say will often exasperate her.

I know that the randomness of my thoughts when I express them can be hard for her to understand or follow.

She doesn't share interest in many of the things that interest me at all so I've learned to refrain from talking about them much at all.

I'm very particular about touch and things like germs. That can bug her. For example, I will not allow our little dog to back up to me and basically press his anus against any part of my body even though I'm clothed. I freak about that kind of thing and she thinks I overreact.

My thought processes baffle her at times and that can be frustrating for her.

I could go on, I'm sure, but those are some of the things that came to mind.

I asked my NT husband:
*Likes - that I provide information, focus on the children, am aware and present
*Doesn't like - lack of intimacy, that I am self-centered, leave things out around the house

So I was completely wrong.

I'm the opposite of the stereotypical Aspie in a relationship in some ways cuz I love being close & affectionate with my partner. I also like talking about my partner's feelings & hearing about her day. Some people might think I'm self absorbed thou cuz of how needy & clingy I am with my partner. I think I would have other Aspie problems being in a relationship with an NT thou like communication issues. I'm very direct & straightforward & need others to be the same sometimes. This leads to misunderstandings with NTs who get offended cuz they took something I said the wrong way. I also have problems expressing my feelings sometimes other than being affectionate & I may have a hard time understanding what my partner is feeling & why she's feeling it. I also have other Aspie social awkwardness that can weird people out or make others think I'm gay which contributed to making it next to impossible for me to get a girlfriend or dates.

I think women who complain about those things don't even bother telling them what they want them to do and don't want to let them know they had been going on and open about something for ten minutes or that they want to move on from that discussion. They also don't want to teach them any social cues like "Notice how I keep trying to talk about something else, that means I don't want to talk about Y anymore." They are also the women who probably play head games and then get mad at their partner when they do as they say. "Oh I'll just walk to the store" and she does and then is upset that her AS partner didn't tell her "no, I am taking you, get in the car." They also get upset when their partner asks them things about what they can do or what they want them to do.

I notice how most of these complains come from NT women than NT men so I think gender has a factor in it, the fact that women are more emotional and more empathetic than men and can read between the lines better than men and they play these head games more than guys do.