I’m On A Dating Site Again

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My relationship is over. Why do men want to meet women right away? I’m talking to this guy, he asked to meet me,we been talking for 3 days?

Because chatting online doesn't help you get to know somebody at all. There's no chemistry, nothing to do except chat, easy to put on a persona, etcetera.

Who wants to invest heaps of time into somebody who might be completely different when you meet up? Dating sites should be used to set up dates. Find a person who looks even remotely passable, do a quick back and forth to get a very rough idea of the person, then arrange the date.

Dragging out the process before the first date is just a waste of time.

Sorry about the relationship.

Men complain about women being irrational, but I think in this department especially (if not in all departments...), men tend to be the irrational and impulsive ones.

My own experience of internet dating is limited because I soon worked out I don't possess the social skills to get acquainted or flirt on-line any more than I do in real life. However. It would take a lonely male less than 3 days to decide he liked the look and the sound of a female, and to persuade himself that he and she could well be compatible. In his conscious mind he may well be very sincere and well-motivated, but evolution never sleeps. He will not necessarily be expecting the first date to end in sex (though he will most certainly be hoping, in his heart of hearts, that it may...) but, having already convinced himself that he's in with a chance, he will naturally wish to inaugurate as speedily as possible all the steps that could, sooner or later, lead to sexual intercourse. So, whether or not the first date itself ends with sex, it's clearly a step in the direction of possible eventual sex: hence the urgency! There is logic of a sort there, but the logic is more evolutionary than intellectual or emotional.

Yep, that's what experience has taught me .

Because in my experience if you didn't meet them within 4-5 days, the chances drop to almost zero. I was never one to rush things but if you took your time online you would be forgotten about. In my early months of online dating I wasted so much time talking to women for weeks before I clued in they were never planning on meeting despite claims to the contrary. By the end, I gave it one weeks tops: if they resisted meeting at that point I was done.

I never had these experiences but I was gonna say that lots of people online get stung along when the other person has no interest in meeting them. This happens aLOT in the show Catfish which is supposed to be a real show with real people & situations. The catfish strings the person along for months or even years sometimes & still never want to meet till their pushed to by Nev &/or Max.

Kitty ... I'm totally with you on this. When it comes to meeting someone "online", as a woman, you want to know that they are "safe", and you need to take your time in getting to know them. It's not the same as "in real time" or "in the flesh", as if you choose the online route, people can really put on a front, and if you give it enough time, you just may expose them for who and what they really are. What's the hurry at any rate? If a man is genuine, and truly cares about you, he will give you the time you need, and will wait for as long as you need, until you're good and ready to meet him. Trust your instincts. As I mentioned, it would be totally different, if you were interacting with this guy in "real life" situations, but you're simply NOT, and there are too many scenarios out there that you have every right to protect yourself from. I've had some experience of this, and can only say, do what YOU feel you need to do, in order to feel comfortable... A good man will wait until you're ready ... that is, if he's genuine.

Seems excellent advice.

I think this will be largely true, except from some of the comments from males here it appears some men are simply not, on principle, prepared to play along beyond a certain deadline. At this point the advice I've quoted above comes in...

I think the experience of alot of people on online dating is that if girl takes longer than a few days to decide that she wants to meet you then she's never going to and that your time is better spent moving on. Maybe get a friend to take a look at him and decide whether he looks nuts/ dangerous?

Yeah, getting a second opinion could be good, but how do you spot a fruitcake, exactly? I mean most people realize I'm weird and messed-up before I've even opened my mouth, but some weirdos really come across as pretty safe.

Some of the worst people are the most charismatic but there may be some obvious red flags e.g. being too demanding etc. you can watch out for

Fruitcakes have currents? No idea.

I've almost always heard fruitcake being used as a way to insult gay men so I'll say you spot a fruitcake the same way you'd spot a gay man

Thanks for that, Mountain Goat!


Oh no! I've found a whole new way of offending people, and while I'm sober too! Apologies: no disrespect was meant to gay men. That was not a definition I was aware of, until now.


Fair comment. And some people do have a much better instinct for identifying fruitcakes than others. Sometimes I'm very good at it (takes one to know one, maybe) and am later in that not-altogether-happy position of being able to say, "I told you so."

So if you have a friend like that in your circle, that friend would be good for a second opinion maybe.

A fruitcake is not necessarily a gay man. It can be a “nutter” in general. As in the expression “nutty as a fruitcake.”

A “fruit” was a term for a gay man in about the 70s.

Yup. That's the definition I had in mind, right there. Ooops.

Off topic but I was once reprimanded, in my teaching days, for using the phrase, "sitting there like a lemon." Apparently at some point since I learned to speak English "lemon" had begun sometimes to denote "lesbian", not just a motionless item in a fruit bowl, which was all it meant when I was growing up....