I think my boyfriend might have Aspergers

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Hey everyone,
I‘m in a relationship for 2,5 years with a man that I considered as intriguing and very special from day one.
He was quite open about having OCDs, some obsessive character traits and a very direct way of communication. He also offered explanations for this: The OCDs he explained by growing up in a violent and oppressive family while his direct communication was explained culturally (he’s Dutch, I‘m German). However a big part of our otherwise amazing and fulfilling relationship consists of fighting. And it’s about things and on a level that I have never experienced with anyone before. Mostly it’s about him „knowing better“ what I‘m thinking and then accusing me of lying about it when I explain myself. He said very often that I cannot lie to him at all, not even about the smallest thing. He mistakes a facial expression or a tone for an intense moodswing and tries to hold me accountable for that.
He gets irritated when I obstruct his routines, or when I tell him I don’t follow his very specific and obsessive interest in religion and heritage. It hurts him and he feels treated like an idiot or a crazy person which is not at all my intention.
For a while I even thought it must be narcissistic personality disorder, but I know for sure that he is a good and honest person, so this doesn’t fully apply. It doesn’t explain his sincerity: I can tell that he really means all that, he’s not playing or trying to manipulate me.
So I started reading up on Asperger‘s and it actually explains a lot of his behavior pretty well. How blunt he is, his extremely good hearing, picking his nose in public with no shame, his anxieties as a teenager, his stoic behavior in stress situations, wearing the same clothes for weeks, his fascination for categories of people and his very analytic way of understanding emotions. It’s like he doesn’t naturally understand them, but found a way to figure them out rationally. It’s quite fascinating and oftentimes surprisingly accurate, but with me he is often so wrong that it really hurts.
Sorry for this long text. My main question is: What should I do?
Should I tell him about my suspicion or not? I think it would help him longterm to know why he is like that, and of course it would help our relationship if he knew what is going on.
But I‘m very afraid that he will have a strong resistance against it at first and might blame the messenger (me). Does anyone here have experience with something similar?

My last partner started researching various conditions and made suggestions, I didn't really mind. We also argued a lot due to black and white thinking (mine and hers, she also has a condition). She suggested that I might have Avoidant Personality Disorder, then we looked at Schizotypal Personality Disorder and finally started to research Asperger's. (this started about 2 or three years ago when I was 45)

I didn't mind her investigative work at all. Good luck!

From what you say he does have autistic like traits. This does not necessarily mean he is classed as autistic as an assessment is needed to do that.
I know that I went through quite a stage of about a decade where quite a few people kept saying that I had asperges or autism. I honestly thought they were joking or just being wierd.
Well, about two or three years ago I was dating a lady (Mostly through the internet or phone as she doesn't live near here) who has asperges syndrome and her son has autism. She was diagnosed after her son was. She never knew her son has autism as to he his ways were the same as her ways, so to her he was normal.
Now I asked her what asperges was. I was really puzzled as though I saw her son as being different, she cae across to me as normal.
She started to explain and apart from two things she said, everything else she said was what I thought was normal behaviour! It was like I was asking her for more information as her descriptions were no different to how I think... (I had assumed I was normal even though I am very much an individual. I accounted my individuality through having a very different upbringing... Well... Put it this way. If I am found to be on the autistic spectrum, my Mum is as well and her mother was etc). She suggested I tried an online guide to see if I had asperges.
Well. I tried it, but as I didn't know what some of the technical terms mean, I put "No" to them. I ended up with a boarderline result and it said "See a doctor". (I later too the same test even though I didn't know it was until half way through, and I had a result showing that I am likely to be on the spectrum... (I had learnt what the technical terms meant so I could answer) But still I thought "Well. It's just a guide. What do they know anyway!" sort of attitude.
Just incase though, after that first online test I thought I would ask one of my doctors anway while I went in for other more pressing issues.Every time I tried to ask I would clam up. It took two years or more before I finally asked and I assumed the doctor could tell me there and then! Ummm. Well. I find myself on a list to be assessed. I habe to say that I expect the results when I am assessed to come back as NT which is non autistic... But with having autistic traits...
I came on this site to ask questions and I have had a few shocks to learn what autism actually is, and further shocks to find I share many traits.
Sometimes, I think I must be quite autistic due to having these traits (Which I had always assumed they were part of my own unique character so it was an eyeopener for my mind to realize they were autistic traits), but other times like now I think "How can I be autistic. I have been on this planet for 47 years and probably met millions of people and only a few have said anything". OK, I am very unique and different, and I always have been and always will be and I can never ever pass off as being "Mr Average!"
But who knows. Maybe I am autistic after all?

Some people want to know and find it a relief; some do not and take it as being told they are defective in some way. We have no way to know which he is. Tread very carefully and go slowly. Maybe start by doing things like leaving articles around.

More and more science is finding out that Asperger's is more of a "difference" as opposed to a "disorder". I find it offensive that you feel he should know this and that about himself. What about you? Maybe he finds things about you annoying too. You were with this guy for 2.5 years and you're noticing this now? Afraid to leave the relationship for fear of being alone again? Sorry if I'm coming across offensive but I find your post offensive. Why don't you go get diagnosed too? Nobody's perfect.

I just don't like that much arguing.....over everything.

I have this with my wife now----because she doesn't understand too much about autism.

I was told about aspergers by my partner and I accepted it straight away.
He might also, maybe if you ask him if he has it instead of saying it for definite might help.

I've overreacted to tones and facial expressions.I think its because I have to hate or have no respect for someone to use hostile tones or facial expressions.
so he reads it as hatred or total lack of respect?

Maybe you are just feel annoyed at the time you use them?
Also have you gotten into screaming matches with him? The negative tones might make him think he is going to get into another screaming match so he reacts badly.

From what you say, two things occur to me:-
(1) this person may be on the autism spectrum;
(2) this person will not necessarily welcome that information.

So I don't think I would mention the possibility, unless and until he appears to be in a receptive state of mind. For instance (and please accept my apologies for this oversimplistic example), if he suddenly breaks down in tears and cries: "Oh, dear me, why oh why am I like this? It's unbearable!" That would be an opportune moment to suggest an A.S.D. diagnosis, maybe.

My best friend is married to a man who blatantly has Asperger's. She thinks so, I think so, their resident carer thinks so (he's in a wheelchair, so they have a resident carer to take some of the strain off her). Unfortunately, her husband dismisses the possibility out of hand. The man you're describing doesn't sound as though he would automatically welcome any suggestion that he could be on the spectrum. That is, as you rightly anticipate, the kind of scenario in which the messenger gets shot.

I was more than ready to be diagnosed, and I found my diagnosis helpful because it finally enabled me to make sense of who and what I was. But if the diagnosis had come earlier, I'm not sure I would have welcomed it. And, either way, the diagnosis doesn't alter who I am, and how I behave, and how I think, and how exasperating other people find me. The diagnosis gives me an excuse, but it doesn't ameliorate the problem. There are no drugs to fix the disorder, and no therapy to untangle it.

If you're right, then a diagnosis wouldn't change him. He doesn't sound like he's ready to embrace a diagnosis, and even if he did embrace it, the condition would always remain what it is. If he makes you happy, be with him. If he has the opposite effect, run away, because he's never going to change, and you have your own life to consider.

I had a relationship that got much better after I found I had Aspergers. My partner said I was a polymath and thought I would continuously learn new things throughout my life.

You have a cool partner, then.

Yes, actually I'd kind of like to apologise for not picking up more on the "intriguing and special" aspect, as mentioned in the original post. I feel "intriguing and special" can often be an Aspie superpower (although there are lots of other things it can be too, not all of them good). Walking away from someone you find intriguing and special might be regrettable, to put it mildly. Unless you meet intriguing and special people all the time and can be confident of finding another.

Apparently even NT partners can hurt each other by failing to understand each other. So there is some kind of emotional or aesthetical or spiritual Cost/Benefit Analysis to be done. I think this forum is wonderful, but I'm unsure that a bunch of strangers on the internet are really the best people to help with that Cost/Benefit Analysis. A trusted close friend actually acquainted with the dramatis personae might be better, if available.