How do I get out of this relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a 23yo woman with Aspergers, Ive never had a boyfriend and earlier this year as I was in a different city to do back up entrance exams for the next step of my university education (non-US system) and I met a 5 years older guy at the place I was staying at. We had some common interests, he was very polite, nice and kind, and I ended up sleeping with him. I'm not sure why I did it, I think it was the frustration from all the times I tried asking out the guys I truly liked, unrequited love and a 23yo virgin sexual deprivation. I wanted to go sleep to my bed afterwards, bu the followed me there. I didnt say a direct no (I dont really know how to do that), but I mustve looked and sounded uncomfortable, and I couldnt get a rid of him for the whole night. To his defence, I dont think I looked entirely unwilling either.

I thought Id never see him again (but I knew he lives in the capital as well, but thats 2 mil people), but I gave him my phone number out of politeness (and because he said he doesnt think we would match as a couple). Few weeks later I was doing Ba finals at my uni and I got a "how are you/what are you doing" message, so I truly answered Im just finishing my exams. And all of sudden he just showed up at my school and started trying to hug me, kiss me etc and it was very embarassing and uncomfortable. So I told him to go for a coffee somewhere outside and he told me hed take me to his favourite place, so we went, but on the way back, he simply stopped at one of the doors in the street, told me its his place and whether I want to go upstairs. I was so startled I did. Today, after the holiday, he showed up at my school again, started behaving innapropriately, but I just thought, hes trying so hard and makes those puppy eyes, so I went to his place one more time.

The thing is, he's always so nice and polite, he keeps telling me how beautiful I look, what great time hes having with me and what not, and with my social skills I find it very difficult to pay him back, so for some reason I feel like hes doing me a favour. Hes a very socially skilled and intelligent person, he just started studying psych at a private uni, I dont think he cant see how uncomfortable I look. I tried asking him today what does he expect of this situation since he said he didnt like me, but he said hes changed his mind. I tried telling him I think I cannot give him the affection hed like but he said he doesnt care. I dont really enjoy him touching me or sleeping with, I get uncomfortable within few minutes and just want him to get off me. But objectivelly/logically I just cant find a reason to tell him I dont want to see him anymore, since he technically hasnt done anything wrong has he?

I feel trapped, but I keep thinking I mustve somehow made him think this is what I want (I havent told him Ive never slept with anybody before/that I have Aspergers). But cant he see Im not feeling comfortable in this situation? He even ask me today whether I like him (as well), but I said I cannot say that. Please can somebody suggest a way out of this, what should I do the next time he tries to contact me/ shows up?

(Im sorry for potential spelling issues, Im not a native Eng speaker)

Hopefully you'll get a few more replies to your question. Here's my suggestion.

Tell him that you don't have any romantic feelings towards him and that you don't want to meet again. Don't let him persuade you to meet for coffee, or "just to talk". Do it by text, don't talk over the phone.

If he tries to persuade you, tell him that you have been quite clear already, that you don't feel the same way about him.

Use assertive language, like, " I need you to stop contacting me now, I've been clear with you about how I feel".

I hope that you find the courage to do that, it will hold you in good stead if you do.

I agree with domineekee. You don't need to have a reason for wanting to discontinue this relationship. It's not a cognitive choice. If your body and your gut feelings are telling you that you aren't happy, then it's time to do what domineekee has suggested. Send the text, screenshot / save the text, and then block him from your social media / phone number if he replies again. You don't have to carry hard feelings, but it sounds like it's time to walk away before this gets any more complicated. If he keeps pursuing you, you'll have evidence from your text message that he has crossed a line.

When I was much younger I found it very difficult to say No and ended up in more than a few bad places as a result. Dominikee and Isabella are correct. Text: I don't want to see you anymore and block him. Period.

This is likely to happen over and over again with men in the future, so you may as well learn to say No now. It doesn't get any easier.

How do you get out of this relationship? Honey, as fast as possible. This guy is absolutely out of order.

Yes he has. He has done something VERY wrong, and if he thinks he can get away with continuing to do it, then he will. This is a 28-year-old man who's found a 23-year old woman that he knows he can persuade into bed even though she doesn't really want to have sex with him. His best (maybe his only) defence would be that his hormones are running away with him. Even if he is genuinely fond of you, or thinks he is, he's still way out of order if he's manipulating you as you describe.

Absolutely 100% correct! Men are always complaining that women are irrational anyway, so maybe just live up to that stereotype here! You don't need to give a reason. If he begs for reasons, just tell him the matter is not up for discussion.

I would guess he might try to guilt-trip you. Do not repeat not purchase a ticket for that guilt trip. It is not a trip you have to go on. He is in the wrong, and your primary responsibility is to yourself.

Maybe he is choosing not to see it. But what's going through his mind is not your priority. If it's a situation you aren't comfortable in, then you have every right to extricate yourself from it, and if that includes saying No in a fairly brutal manner, then go ahead and do that.

I have a feeling you are quite right not to tell him that you have Asperger's. In a worst-case scenario, he could try using that as a reason to persuade you that you don't really want to stop seeing him: he could try to argue that your Asperger's is impeding your judgement. In a worst-case scenario, he could try using any personal information you've given him as a means to manipulate you. So don't tell him any more than you have already, just bluntly say you don't wish to have any further contact with him. You're allowed to do that!

One possible line could be something like: "Look, I'm really sorry, but I have a lot of stuff going on right now that I'm not going to tell you about, but the bottom line is, I need some space right now, so this has to stop, and it has to stop completely. I need space. If you have any feelings for me, then you'll be prepared to respect that, won't you?" Do you think you could manage to take a line like that, and hold firm to it?

There are English people here in England whose command of English is less good than yours!

I absolutely agree, everything you say is spot on.

These types of people inevitably, withdraw their affection at some point and move on to, leaving their victims feeling abandoned as well as used.

It may be difficult, but I agree with the lady above who said this is something you need to get good at, i.e. saying No.

Maybe in one way, this uncomfortable current situation will at least give you a "crash course" in saying No, which is a very useful life-skill for any young lady.

Keep coming back to this thread as often as you need to, if it helps at all. People are here for you.

Good luck.

Yeah, actually this really could be one way of making it easier for you to do.

If this older man with the puppy eyes can manipulate you as you're describing, then avoiding direct contact with him may be advisable. No telephone conversations, no meeting up. One final text or e-mail, and then finis, The End: any further messages from him, just don't reply. That could be one way to accomplish the task.

Y'all, step back, I got this.

Let my boy Simon tell you how it's done:

Not sure that a 23-year-old girl with Asperger's, struggling to cope with her first relationship and one that she's kind of stumbled into by accident (in fact I'm not even sure it deserves to be called a relationship: sounds more like coercion to me...), will necessarily appreciate this right now.

But I do love this song. And it does underline the point that dumping someone you want to be rid of is perfectly O.K. and happens every day.

If you have to get rid of someone, go on and rid yourself of that person. It's never fun and it's never easy, but sometimes it just has to be done.

Sorry honey but this is a classic case of someone exploiting you for sex, perhaps he's a sociopath, and because it's so difficult for you to be assertive you need to send him a short text stating that you don't want to see him anymore then block his number on your phone. Showing up at your school shows that he does not respect your boundaries so involve someone else and tell him in the text message that your brother-in law policeman is involved now and is on the lookout for him. That's the best way. If you can't lie then share with some family member that you trust, he will not bother you if he thinks you have back up.

This entire message from Teach51 is good advice (it would be, naturally), but I am especially liking the parts I've quoted here: if you think you have such a policeman/back-up in your circle of acquaintances that you could mobilize, that would maybe help you to say what you need to say.

People here are crossing their fingers for you and rooting for you.

Also it is important to know that you are not to blame in any way shape or form and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Perhaps the guy really cant see how uncomfortable you are OP or he notices a little but really still thinks your interested. Those of us on the spectrum do tend to have issues expressing feelings in an appropriate way. Lots of people assume I'm mad or upset when I'm not & they assume I'm amused in bad situations when I'm not. This said it's still possible that this guy really does notice & is manipulating you. Either way like others have said, you need to use the direct approach & just tell him that you don't want to see him again. Don't tell him that those times were a mistake that you regret cuz it might make him feel worse if he really didn't know he was crossing lines but you do still need to tell him clearly & directly that you will not see him again & for him to not contact you again.

You're not a bad person for it, but the reality of it is, he really likes you. Weather it's genuine or just sex, I'm not sure, but the unfortunate reality of this is, you're going to have to have a blunt conversation with him about this, which will involve you bluntly saying that you are not interested in pursuing your relationship any further. Since you run into him in person, it isn't something you can just sweep under the rug until he gets the hint, forced blunt communication is the only way.

If after that he is still bumping into you at school and pursuing you, then yes, it is highly inappropriate and very unacceptable. But seeing as you have not made many efforts to set appropriate boundaries with him, I can't truly say he's a bad person.

Whether he likes her or not, is confused or not, are all moot. She doesn't want to see him nor have sex with him, the answer is just NO and she doesn't have to justify it, explain it, or soften it.

When an aspie woman starts perseverating on how she may be at fault, how she may have misunderstood, how maybe he really is a good guy, etc....that's a rabbit hole she doesn't have to go down. Or in this case, one she doesn't have to continue going down.

OP, I hope we hear from you, and that you are okay.