Husband reaction to my diagnosis

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Hi!

I've just been diagnosed about a month ago. I'm still unsure how I feel about that, but I'm not relieved as I thought I would be. Anyway, what is concerning me is my husband reaction. When he understood/learned I was aspergers he said many times: OMG that explain everything, that means I was right about EVERYTHING, every fight in our relationship! He is often saying things like: you don't understand because you're an aspie, you should trust me that this is wrong. He is often using that I'm aspie in fights.

I was hoping he would try to understand me, but I feel more like he is using that to make me feel inferior.

Also, my psy asked me and my husband to fill the RAADS-R. He scored me about 60 above me, whereas my mom scored me about 60 below me. I feel it's a big difference and my mom was concerned about his perception of me.

I have a lot of executive functionning issues and I'm aware of them, but I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I mean, I always managed before, I'm not sure if I'm worse or if he just makes me feel like I'm worse. He is often getting mad when I do mistakes.

Also, when he acts badly toward me, he says he is getting inpatient because I'm aspie and difficult to live with. He says he has the Cassandra syndrome.

I'm really confuse, I'm not able to judge what's my fault and what's not. My self esteem is getting pretty low.

Any thoughts?

Welcome to WP.

Many spouses use their partner's diagnosis against them, unfortunately. it's a very common thing.

It would probably be more beneficial for you, and would evoke more specific advice, if you write down the instances where your husband does this. And seek to directly quote both of you in these instances.

I've never heard of "Cassandra Syndrome."

It's what this 'Heartless Aspergers' website made up. It basically claims that living with an autistic person is highly traumatizing and gives their spouse/child/parent/sibling or whoever else a variety of psychological symptoms. It is not an official diagnosis, however. One woman who hates her aspie ex invented it. Psychologists don't confirmed its existence.

It means her husband frequents forums for people who hate their aspie partner.

The husband should stop frequenting those forums. They're garbage.

The OP should stop frequenting her husband.

Well, I know it looks convienient, but I honestly can't remember the details of our fights. I often blackout and won't remember most of it.

We have small children so it's complicated...

Two words: Identified patient. You have a diagnose so if anything is wrong, your diagnose is to blame, he doesn't need to admit his mistakes, he doesn't need to look at his own faults because there is always your handy diagnose to scapegoat.

You need allies. It seems your husband is not one.

Perfectly put ...

Your husband is showing you no respect, no desire to understand from your perspective ... how life is for you ... until he changes his attitude, starts looking at you as someone who deserves love, understanding, respect ... he doesn't deserve you or yours ... Those websites, very damaging ... I remember first reading about Cassandra Syndrome many years back, and came to realise that this represents all that is anti give and take in a marriage/relationship. You either respect your partner or you don't ... you either want to make it work ... or you don't. I hope your husband realises what he has in you .... and stops seeing you as someone who is "defective'' .... you are certainly NOT...

So.......your husband believes he's perfect and everything is your fault. And he thinks YOU'RE the irrational one???

You two need couples counseling. Is it possible that the place you received your diagnosis from would also do couples counseling? That would be ideal. Going to couples counseling anywhere else this does not specialize in autism could be a disaster for you as you'd be counseled by someone ignorant in autism.

Shame on him for not supporting you and coming to your aid. I assume you're willing to be a team and work with him to better your relationship even if that also means identifying certain behaviors you might have and working out ways to improve your relationship? Both people have to work at relationships.

If this so called "Cassandra Syndrome" is made up B.S., what syndrome do autistics suffer from when they have a partner that BELITTLES them for having autism??? I feel very bad for you, O.P. that your spouse, the person who is supposed to 'have your back' is actually belittling you. That's egregious. Who is being traumatized?

Welcome to WP, by the way.

Last edited by Magna on 18 Oct 2019, 1:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have to say I agree with most of what's been said above. You're not defective, you have a "different" way of seeing the world, that doesn't mean you're wrong. Many many scientists & engineers (including me) are ASD, are they automatically wrong?

It seems to me that he has a lazy attitude, perhaps he thinks you have a diagnosis, so he must be the "normal" one? T'ain't necessarily so!

In my opinion, ASD is kind of like a mental version of being left handed - equally good, equally valid, just different - I struggle socially, left-handers struggle with scissors, neither makes you a bad person, or more prone to be incorrect.

Stand up for yourself

That is a disturbing reaction, indeed. And he is wrong. Your diagnosis does not mean that he is always right and you're always wrong. Sometimes in conflict between two people there isn't even one who is objectively right and one who is objectively wrong. Sometimes it is merely two people with different needs, different wants, different preferences or different priorities who can't find common ground. He sounds controlling and your diagnosis is a convenient tool for him.


Your mom's concern is valid. His evaluation of you says something about your husband and/or the state of your relationship.
If your relationship has had a lot of conflict for a long time it is possible that you may come across to him in a way that can be mistaken for more aspie-like by some of the questions. Conflict, fear of conflict, reluctance to be vulnerable towards someone who may use it against you, anger or resentment over a recent argument can make you more socially inhibited and less warm than you usually act towards people, for example. Stress could worsen your executive functioning and your social intuition or the energy you have for following social protocols.
Or he just had a negative opinion of you to validate himself and his opinion that he is always right, even before you had a diagnosis. And now he can use it as another tool to create this impression.


Stress may make your executive functioning temporarily worse. Or maybe it's just him who makes you feel that way.


There is no such thing as Cassandra syndrome. No psychological research whatsoever has gone into confirming its existence. It's the creation of one bitter woman.
Of course bad relationships and bad partners can take their toll on people. But that goes both ways, no matter who is autistic or not. Some symptoms of some people with autism can be difficult to deal with. However, a lot of non-autistic people are difficult to live with as well and it looks like your husband is one of them. If he's being an ass that's on him, no matter what diagnosis you have.


I don't think anyone here can judge if or to what extent you contributed to the bad condition of your relationship. We haven't observed you and don't have the necessary information. However, your husband's behavior is uncalled-for and has no place in a healthy relationship.
Your relationship isn't healthy and at least part of the fault lies with your husband.

This is the most precise summary of the thread.

It seems like your husband is gaslighting you. This may be one of those situations where you have to give him an ultimatum that he tries to understand you some & cut you some slack or you leave. It would be great if you could convince him to get couples counseling but he doesn't seem like the type to even try without the ultimatum.


FYI There actually is a band called Cassandra Syndrome but it has nothing to do with autism or being in a relationship with someone on the spectrum

If your small children are autistic, will he berate them as well?

Thank you all for your answers! I think I definitively need to seek help from a psy.

I had never heard of this, this is interesting.



I have no issues acknowledging my problems, but I told him I needed to process my diagnosis before being able to work on our couple. I honestly don't know though if I want to work on our couple anymore.



I'm a scientist too and I think I'm pretty rational.



This is interesting, thanks.



I came accross that term and I agree that it looks like this. There are also many other situations where he might have been gaslighting me... but I feel I can't trust my own judgement anymore so I don't know. This is really scary.

He says he wants to go to couple therapy but we never actually went. I feel he will just "win" anyway.



Too soon to tell if they are and it's quite hard to say how he would act because he loves them, not sure he loves me...

This indicates successful gaslighting.

Being autistic does not invalidate your judgements by any bit. Of course you are not always right but no one is. Your judgements as an autistic person are precisely as valid as they would be if you weren't autistic.

You seem a rational person. A scientist. You are capable of sorting it out but it seems your husband does not want things sorted out and named properly, he seems to just want to win.

You need allies.