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RightGalaxy
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02 Dec 2019, 9:17 am

My niece from California gave me a phone call because she was distraught. She's twenty-five, aspie, and dated this same guy only three times. She kept on telling me that she felt this feeling of dread that he was going to send her the "dump" text of which he did. (It was pages long!! !) BUT after this, she told me all the bad things about her three dates. Why in the world did she have to get dumped to realize this guy was a bad egg? She should have been dumping him. Do any aspies here go through this sort of scenario? This guy thought it was funny to kiss her bottom when she dropped something. Referred to her as a "little b*tch" jokingly. Did not offer her any snacks at the movies. He drank her beverages even though he had his own. He also excessively talked about his old girlfriend who dumped him. She went out three times with him for this bullsh*t. He also talked about anal play!! ! WTF!! ! BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS, WHY DID SHE REALIZE HOW BAD HE WAS AFTER HE DUMPED "HER"??? In other words, was she willing to take punishment just to hold on to a guy?? :( How sad. :cry: If anyone knows how I can help her, please let me know. I'm doing my best but maybe somebody knows a better way. please help. :heart:



Sweetleaf
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02 Dec 2019, 1:01 pm

Well maybe she is desperate and even a tad naive about dating/relationships. I am not trying to be a jerk or anything, I was similar when I was younger. Like the first guy I dated in college looking back sure I can see very clearly I should have dumped him way earlier than I did. But at the time I was kinda lonely and desperate and thought having a boyfriend would be great so I ignored a lot of signs he was kind of a scumbag it went on for months before I finally saw what was going on. What was going on is he had been leading me on for sex and intimate activities.

I should have known that day when it was raining rather hard, and he sent me in alone to go buy condoms...he didn't even drive me up to the door or anything just parked not very close in the parking lot, gave me some cash and had me go get them. I should have known then and there he didn't really like me and was just taking advantage of my inexperience with dating.

You can help her by being supportive, certainly do not ask her 'why didn't you see how bad he was' then she'll only feel worse for not having seen it sooner. You can certainly say you think he was a bad egg anyways and say why, just make sure you don't make her feel you're blaming it on her. Maybe you can even explain what some red flags are that would be helpful for her to look out for. And encourage her to think about what she wants...and not just go along with a guy if it doesn't feel right for her.



Archmage Arcane
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02 Dec 2019, 5:40 pm

Sweetleaf nailed it.



DorkyNerd
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02 Dec 2019, 11:35 pm

The alternative to a bad connection is no connection. That is why Aspie women tolerate crazy and awful men.



The Grand Inquisitor
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03 Dec 2019, 1:05 am

Three possibilities come to mind. They're not mutually exclusive.

1. She struggles with love and dating, really wants a partner and feels quite lonely, to the point of being desperate. Maybe she feels like she has no other dating options.

2. The man she was dating was very physically attractive. Probably out of her league, so she was willing to put up with this crap to be with him. Maybe she hoped she could change him.

3. She has very little in the way of self-confidence or self-worth to where she feels like she deserves to be treated this way



Teach51
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03 Dec 2019, 5:26 am

When vulnerable people are exploited it makes my blood boil, ugh.

I think it is so important that all women and especially autistic women who are inexperienced sexually have a wise, astute and worldly friend or family member to consult with when they meet a new man.
I had a really beautiful medium functioning ASD girl student. Thankfully she confided in me that she was texting with some guy and he was coaxing her to participate in a threesome. She was convinced that she loved him though they had never met. Her mother was not aware of this relationship and I felt compelled to break my student's confidence and involve her mother because I really felt that she was at risk. The internet and social media make it so easy for predators to lure vulnerable women into a trap.
I saw a clip with Tony Attwood on YouTube where he strongly advises to find a reliable family member to screen potential partners. Unfortunately there is a prolific number of men who will exploit naive, vulnerable women. Run things by your mentor of choice before you open yourself to risk. Stay safe. I wish the world were different but nobody is trustworthy unless proven so.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Dec 2019, 6:54 am

Because she liked him as he is, dirty, rude and no class.

But she's in denial and now pretending in front of you that she didn't like him.



RightGalaxy
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03 Dec 2019, 8:46 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because she liked him as he is, dirty, rude and no class.

But she's in denial and now pretending in front of you that she didn't like him.


Yay!! Boo-ey replied. Very sad. Vulnerable women often get trafficked, hurt, murdered, prostituted. What a shame. I hope everybody here is reading this and takes steps to help those who are exploited. She's not in denial. She's ashamed that she allowed such a person near her because even after all that I told her and taught her, she still was allowing bad treatment due to despondency and abject loneliness. I saw the boy - no big deal - not even attractive but he was a white boy. She isn't white. She is "extremely" attractive but in the eyes of her own people - the people of color whether they be latino, black, biracial, middle eastern, Indian, etc... because she is in a white majority, she thought she finally scored. I believe he knew this and took the liberty to abuse her verbally. He would have taken this further if someone didn't step in. I found out that somebody cared and warned this boy off. It was a local minister. He told me all about it after Sunday services. He threatened the boy with going to the local police. There was even more that the minister told me - this boy was planning to take her to a bar that nobody talks about. It exists but has no telephone number in any directories. It doesn't sell food. So, as adults, we know what kind of bar this is. I don't think I would have saw my niece again if she had gone there. I feel sick. Like I'm going to die. The minister told me he picks girls of color to abuse. He's also shitty with white girls but to a much lesser degree. God forbid. He needs to be hit with a baseball bat.



The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Dec 2019, 3:35 am

RightGalaxy wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because she liked him as he is, dirty, rude and no class.

But she's in denial and now pretending in front of you that she didn't like him.


Yay!! Boo-ey replied. Very sad. Vulnerable women often get trafficked, hurt, murdered, prostituted. What a shame. I hope everybody here is reading this and takes steps to help those who are exploited. She's not in denial. She's ashamed that she allowed such a person near her because even after all that I told her and taught her, she still was allowing bad treatment due to despondency and abject loneliness. I saw the boy - no big deal - not even attractive but he was a white boy. She isn't white. She is "extremely" attractive but in the eyes of her own people - the people of color whether they be latino, black, biracial, middle eastern, Indian, etc... because she is in a white majority, she thought she finally scored. I believe he knew this and took the liberty to abuse her verbally. He would have taken this further if someone didn't step in. I found out that somebody cared and warned this boy off. It was a local minister. He told me all about it after Sunday services. He threatened the boy with going to the local police. There was even more that the minister told me - this boy was planning to take her to a bar that nobody talks about. It exists but has no telephone number in any directories. It doesn't sell food. So, as adults, we know what kind of bar this is. I don't think I would have saw my niece again if she had gone there. I feel sick. Like I'm going to die. The minister told me he picks girls of color to abuse. He's also shitty with white girls but to a much lesser degree. God forbid. He needs to be hit with a baseball bat.


She will do it again.



Teach51
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04 Dec 2019, 4:22 am

She needs and deserves close guidance, monitoring and protection. That's all. She needs all the things a loved and cherished child needs to be safe. All her life.


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RightGalaxy
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05 Dec 2019, 8:23 am

Teach51 wrote:
She needs and deserves close guidance, monitoring and protection. That's all. She needs all the things a loved and cherished child needs to be safe. All her life.


Thank you with all my heart. :heart:



RightGalaxy
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05 Dec 2019, 8:25 am

DorkyNerd wrote:
The alternative to a bad connection is no connection. That is why Aspie women tolerate crazy and awful men. If it weren't for freaks, no man would pay you any attention.



Last edited by RightGalaxy on 05 Dec 2019, 8:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

RightGalaxy
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05 Dec 2019, 8:28 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well maybe she is desperate and even a tad naive about dating/relationships. I am not trying to be a jerk or anything, I was similar when I was younger. Like the first guy I dated in college looking back sure I can see very clearly I should have dumped him way earlier than I did. But at the time I was kinda lonely and desperate and thought having a boyfriend would be great so I ignored a lot of signs he was kind of a scumbag it went on for months before I finally saw what was going on. What was going on is he had been leading me on for sex and intimate activities.

I should have known that day when it was raining rather hard, and he sent me in alone to go buy condoms...he didn't even drive me up to the door or anything just parked not very close in the parking lot, gave me some cash and had me go get them. I should have known then and there he didn't really like me and was just taking advantage of my inexperience with dating.

You can help her by being supportive, certainly do not ask her 'why didn't you see how bad he was' then she'll only feel worse for not having seen it sooner. You can certainly say you think he was a bad egg anyways and say why, just make sure you don't make her feel you're blaming it on her. Maybe you can even explain what some red flags are that would be helpful for her to look out for. And encourage her to think about what she wants...and not just go along with a guy if it doesn't feel right for her.


Thank you for your brave reply and for your help :heart: Thank you for sharing your experience with this.



RightGalaxy
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05 Dec 2019, 8:35 am

RightGalaxy wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because she liked him as he is, dirty, rude and no class.

But she's in denial and now pretending in front of you that she didn't like him.



RightGalaxy
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05 Dec 2019, 8:36 am

RightGalaxy wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Because she liked him as he is, dirty, rude and no class.

But she's in denial and now pretending in front of you that she didn't like him.