Common things I am told

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”You need to work on your depression/Aspergers before you can pursue relationships.”

I feel like this means I am just supposed to just “take it” whenever I go out in the world and see the things that depress me.

“I know you’ve been discouraged but you got to keep trying.”

After 13 years of depression and failure, how will continuing to try change anything?

”It will happen when you least expect it.”

I really don’t get this one.

I already feel like this year will end in failure just like the last 13.

Do you love yourself? If you aren't able to love yourself how can you expect others to love you. You won't find love and have a happy relationship if deep inside of yourself you internalize low self worth, depression, and inferiority, because women want men who are confident and exude the type of positive energy that attracts rather than repulses. The secret to finding love is to live like one who doesn't need love from others by being the best version of yourself, not even expecting love from others. Once you've mastered and refined your internal sphere and can now project that renewed confidence and inner light outward finding others who will want to partake in that and be with you will be easy

That’s another false common thing said.

“If you can’t love yourself how others will love you?”

I knew plenty of low esteemed, self-loathing people (especially women) who did find partners loving them.

Including myself.

My girlfriend is one of those people too.
I was told to work on my low self-esteem & depression a lot when I was single. I knew I had lots of issues but I also believed I had some really good qualities as well. However I was also very painfully aware that most others wouldn't see my good qualities or they wouldn't care about my good qualities enough to actually wanna be with me. I believed I needed someone to give me a real chance who would also put effort into making a relationship work with me instead of things being one-sided. My girlfriend is someone who did that with me. I admit her depression & low self-esteem can be challenging to deal with sometimes but there's things about me that are challenging for Cass to deal with too. What's important is that we both really love each other & are both willing to put effort into trying to make a relationship work instead of being like some people who only care about chemistry, that spark, or love-sick felling & then throw in the towel 1ce that fades & they hit a rough patch.

Nobody's saying finding a date is impossible if you're depressed, but it's not helping your chances.

I was never told to love myself. I was always told to love God the most and my family next. For some reason, I thought loving yourself was a bad thing and even selfish. I have a vague feeling I once saw or heard someone say something like “I am so wonderful!” and he was scoffed at for being “selfish”. I thought I was supposed to punish myself for God if I did anything “sinful”.

When people tell me to get over my past and to take responsibility for my life, it feels like they are telling me it was ok for me to get bullied. I am also told to “live well” but how can I when I am socially isolated and “damaged”?

Last edited by Marknis on 09 Jan 2020, 2:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You need to let go of the things you were told that you see are not working for you and find new things that do work for you.

Write down each of the things people have said to you that haven't worked. Write each one on a different piece if paper and burn them one by one. Literally burn them (somewhere safe like an open existing fire). Or tear them up and throw them in a river.

And move on. Don't think of them again.

I edited my previous post.

Yes, well, I don't want to get into a religious debate in the haven, but this comes to mind.




I get where you're coming from with this. I was bullied at school and to help me through it my Mum told me about how she and my aunts were bullied at school. It was like she was happy she had a commrade. Like she was saying it's ok to be bullied. I guess she was trying to say there was nothing wrong with me, but it felt like I just had to accept the bullying as life.

No, I don't think that you should just accept that you were hurt. Letting go doesn't mean ignoring the past, it means acknowlding it, accepting that it is a part of you and leaving it in the past. Don't mull over it. Turn it into the steel that forms you and step forward from it. Go and seek things that you enjoy regardless of the bad that has happened. Learn to work within your limitations.

I am not a well person. I have Chronic Fatigue. I am in pain and I get tired easily. I would love to go mountain climbing. I love nature and would love to climb the highest mountains in Wales, but I can't. So what do I do? Do I stay indoors bemoaning that I can't reach the heights I want to? No. I go for walks along flat paths and enjoy what I can. I especially like walks along the beach.

Being ill means I am socially isolated. I often have to cancel plans. Sometimes this means that people stop inviting me because they just assume I won't want to go or won't turn up. So I organise things to invite people to when I am well.

You need to work within your limitations to find what makes you happy rather than focussing on what you can't do.