The word "homely"

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I learned something really interesting: that the word "homely" actually means ugly. I mean, intuitively, I would never ever think of that word that way. To me "homely" means someone you are comfortable with -- in fact so comfortable that it feels like home -- and I think its a good thing. So I think the fact that this word -- that should be positive -- is taken in a negative way is a symptom of shallow culture where people look down on the good people and they look up to the bad people who walk all over them. Don't you think thats the case? In any case, I met a certain girl on a dating site -- she lives in Pittsburgh so we haven't met in person yet -- but she is 40, has serious health issues, and severely overweight. The only reason I talk to her is that nobody else talks to me. In any case, I am thinking of performing the following exxperiment on her. I think one day I should just tell her out of the blue that she is homely, and see how she reacts. If she reacts negatively, I will tell her I meant it as a compliment and ask her why did she assume its a negative thing. And then I will use it as a way of confronting her about HER participating in the shallow culture (by taking that word to be negative) and basically tell her "I thought you agreed with me that this culture is shallow, so why are you participating in it". It would be nice to see her reaction.

It doesn't mean "ugly." It means more like "plain-looking."

It doesn't mean "good-looking"--but it doesn't mean "ugly," either.

I wouldn't have taken it as "plain looking" either. The way I would have taken it is someone you feel comfortable with, someone you can confide to, etc. That is, it is about personality rather than looks -- and it is very POSITIVE about personality. So why are people assuming that if you can confide to someone then that person is plain looking? Is it because they don't feel attraction to honest genuine people?! If so, thats really shallow! I think genuine people should be the first ones to be attracted to -- and if someone makes you feel comfortable to confinde to them (which is the TRUE meaning of the word homely) that person should really be your top choice on whom to date. I don't get it why people see it differently.

"Homely" does have a "comfort" element to it. You feel comfortable with a "homely" person. You're not in competition with that person.

Yes it does. Think of a phrase "make yourself feel at home". That means be comfortable.



But ask yourself *why* you are not in competition with them. You are assuming the reason you are not in competition with them is because they are way below you. But that assumption might be wrong. Maybe the reason you are not in competition with them is because you established so much emotional connection with them that you actually see them as a fellow human being -- and human beings aren't rated on those shallow scales that competitions are based upon. Would they be "better" than you or "worse" than you if you did compete? I don't know. But thats irrelevant -- which is precisely the point.

It means not sexually exciting. It means boring. I think I fit in the homely girl category.

Guys want a but of titillation and fun at the begining of the relationship they don't want to jump straight into comfirt. They want a buzz. Someone they can't wait to see, not a comfy sweater.

Why would establishing a deep emotional connection go against sexual excitement? That is the premise that I don't understand.



Why can't you be sexually excited and comfortable at the same time? Those two things are both positives, so why would they go against each other?

I, for one, would be a lot more likely to be sexually attracted to a girl I am comfortable with. Why aren't others the same way?

I don't know. I don't understand either, but this is what I've experienced.

Btw I don't think you should mess with your friend like that. You could really hurt her. It's like you're deliberately trying to trip her up.

Well, if it is the concept that "some" people don't understand (including me and you), then why should they engrave it in the very language usage?! Could that language be, itself, something that conditioned people into sticking to such absurd thinking?



First of all, she isn't my friend, she is my girlfriend -- or so she says -- although I don't know how much credibility to give it, seeing that on her facebook it still says single and she never skyped with me nor talked by phone, all she does is facebook. I only "met" her on a dating site less than a month ago, and we only discussed our "status" like probably 2 weeks ago or so. So I don't know how long we will last or if its even real. But then again, I don't really want her as a girlfriend either, given her health conditions and everything else. I am just having her as a consolation prize type of thing since nobody else talks to me.

But in any case, if you read from the beginning to the end as to what I plan to do -- I plan to explain to her that I meant the word homely in a positive way. The point of the experiment though is that I won't explain it right away. I will first use the word homely without any explanation to see how she reacts and only explain it after that -- and then use her reaction, together with my explanation, as a type of teaching material to teach her not to rely on those shallow standards of society.

Or are you saying that if her initial reaction is negative then subsequent explanation won't help, she will still stick to her negative "first impression"? Well, "first impression" is yet another shallow thing that needs to be challenged.

Last edited by QFT on 06 Mar 2020, 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's not how people's brains work. They don't feel any kind of positive outcome from being insulted then being told that if they weren't so shallow they wouldn't feel insulted.

You're putting her in a no-win situation.

No good can come of it.

You are treating a human being as if she were an experiment, surely you must have some sense that this is inappropriate?
"Homely" is plain, boring. Because Russian is your mother tongue I can understand that it sounds to you like "home" or "homey." Not something a woman wants to hear anyhow.
I suggest that you practice asking her non-invasive things regarding her likes and dislikes, just listen to her answers. Try and turn your intellect off for a while and just use your heart.

My heart is telling me that the word "homely" is something positive.

And this brings me to the other point. In many other situations where I am told I am using logic instead of heart, I also feel like I use heart as well. So maybe the issue is that my heart doesn't agree with other people's hearts and thats why its so hard for them to believe that I actually use my heart. Well, for me its hard to believe other people use their heart for the same exact reason. So other people feel that I use logic instead of heart -- and I feel like other people use pop-culture instead of heart. Each side accuses the other one of not using heart.

Well, this happened to me multiple times before -- with one difference: unlike right now, I weren't doing it on purpose. Instead, I offended them by accident and then in order to "undo" it I was trying to explain to them that they shouldn't have been offended, but they weren't buying it.

So seeing that -- in those *other* occasions -- it was "truly" by accident, don't you think it was shallow of those other people that they didn't believe me?

That sounds like a terrible idea, especially if you aren't even interested in going on a date with her and just talk to her cause you have no one else to talk to. If she is severely overweight and has serious health issues, kinda sounds like she's a somewhat vulnerable person and your plan is to basically play head games with her just to see her reaction? That sounds really mean.

Then not only will that be good enough, if she reacts negatively you will then confront her about how shallow she is for thinking the word means what most people take it to mean? Again just sounds like a mean thing to do to this woman.

Maybe this kind of thing is why people aren't so keen on being your friend or getting in a relationship with you. You just treat people like they're your play-things.

It would be much better to just discuss with her what she thinks about the word, then maybe even if you and her don't date you'd at least be able to continue the online friendship. I am pretty sure if you do what you're planning it will result in yet another person blocking you.

Homely definition:

1. North American (of a person) unattractive in appearance.

2. British (of a place or surroundings) simple but cozy and comfortable, as in one's own home.

Regardless of how you feel about them, words do have an actual meaning. I have no idea where the difference comes from, maybe Americans don't like their homes

I wonder, what are you trying to achieve with this? You'll hurt this woman's feelings, she'll probably block you and Americans will keep using the word to describe someone unattractive.

Rember what you were saying in the other thread? Other people have feelings too, why go out of your way to hurt them, especially since you're not going to actually achieve anything in the process?

Last edited by BenderRodriguez on 06 Mar 2020, 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

As far as "most people" part -- well, that just confirms my point that "most people" are shallow. In fact thats the big part of the grudge that I have -- that certain things that I see as shallow happen to be taken as truth by "most" people, not just some. This word "homely" -- which I only saw yesterday by the way -- is a perfect illustration of situations I been encountering throughout my lifetime. Here are few other things that "most people" believe in that I object to:

1) "You are a nice guy/girl" being part of rejection line. Wait a second. Don't they realize that being nice is a good thing for a relationship?

2) "I think of you like a brother/sister" being a rejection line. I thought it should be the opposite. Being "like a brother" means that our heart connection is so deep that it feels like we have THAT many things in common! If I didn't read on the internet that its a rejection line, and was simply told that without any prior exposure -- I would have thought "hey I have it made, she will totally date me" and then be shocked/surprised/hurt to learn otherwise

3) "Lets be friends" being a rejection line. I thought a relationship should be build on friendship. So if someone is willing to be friends with me, thats a good thing. Maybe we will build a good foundation for the future relationship.

Now you might say "you know what those phrases mean, so why are you complaining". Okay here is why. I think this disagreement about the word/phrase usage illustrate a deeper disagreement about understanding things that go way beyond this. In particular, the deeper disagreement is the following. In todays culture people think that they should date someone "cool" -- and being "cool" is not compatible with establishing emotional connection. Being "cool" is about winning all those sports games -- and when you play sports you don't have time to be anyone's "brother" or "sister". What I am trying to say is that people aren't looking for anything genuine and are being extremely shallow, and this is reflected in the language usage. And then I am being rejected due to "not being cool" and they don't even care about getting to know me (or anyone else) as a person. All they know is that this other guy is cool and I am not, so they pick the other guy over me -- and they totally ignore whats in the heart. I believe this is what those language examples reflect and thats what I have major issue with.



1. How do people know how I treat others if they don't even talk to me. Do they read wrongplanet? Probably not. Do they know any of hte girls I mentioned that live several states apart? Neither. So how do they know any of it?

2. Maybe the reason I treat people that way is a defense mechanism due to being hurt myself. Maybe if some people were willing to actually establish genuine connection with me, I wouldn't feel so bitter, and then I wouldn't be doing those things.