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dorkseid
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08 Jul 2020, 1:19 am

I'm 38 years old and still single. I've never been successful at dating. I've heard other older Aspie men say that they realized at some point that they just have no choice but to give up on ever having a girlfriend or getting married. I'm wondering if its time for me to accept that its just not possible for me because I just happened to be born with a condition I had no choice in.



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Jul 2020, 1:33 am

A user said in the other you confuse between hookups and relationships; why did he say that?



Lely
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08 Jul 2020, 4:07 am

I don't think it's a negative thing "to give up" if it brings you peace of mind.
If someone comes your way one day you can still date them, right?



SecretOpossumCabal
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08 Jul 2020, 7:01 am

I did it many years ago and I will tell men the same thing all the time. If you want to go your own way then you ***HAVE*** to give up porn use. No more wanking, FOREVER. You have to atrophy your libido to truly move on with your life. Otherwise fapping daily will bring you back to the desire and suspend you within an endless loop of misery.

It took me about 2 years of fighting to reach this state. It returns your mind to a similar state of childhood where you did not have a libido and didn't care about a relationship. It will free you from being obsessed with a relationship, and allows your devotion to be turned to productive tasks which you can fulfill in your solitude. But men simply CANNOT move on from the desire of a relationship if they're still wanking. If you're truly serious about giving this pursuit up, it doesn't mean that your life ends, but that it can in fact begin after some struggle. It took me about 2 years to atrophy my libido to the point where I no longer think about sex or a relationship. It's very much worth the struggle because you can experience a kind of 'second innocence' and clarity of mind. When I wake up my thoughts are very pure, and are similar to what they were when I was a child.

But it's a struggle to get it; you will have to FIGHT for it, as the struggle is a very hard uphill climb that will have you fail repeatedly until one day you realize you hadn't done the bad thing in a very long time and no longer have the inclination to do so.

Good resource to help:
http://www.reddit.com/r/nofap



Minuteman
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08 Jul 2020, 10:07 am

Hey, it could be worse. You could be in a loveless marriage with kids who want nothing to do with you and in a financial situation that makes divorce difficult. Yep, that's me.



Muse933277
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08 Jul 2020, 12:57 pm

Everybody is given a certain set of cards in life. We all have different personalities and traits that come together to allow us to either excel or struggle in certain areas or hobbies.

For instance, because of my traits, i'll never be a good basketball player no matter how much I practice. I'm short, slow, uncoordinated, and can't jump very high. If I aspired to be a basketball player, I wouldn't get very far. I'd never make the NBA and I would probably never even be a starter for my high school team, no matter how much I trained and practiced. I simply have the wrong combination of traits and skillset that it takes to excel in the game of basketball.


Dating is similar in that it's a game that some people are naturally going to excel in and for other people, they're going to massively struggle. Some people are blessed with the right combination of looks, personality, and social skills and they have little problems with finding romantic or sexual partners. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum, perhaps the reason why some people struggle with dating is because they simply possess the wrong combination of traits and skillset that is needed to be successful. They're the fat guys trying to be horse jockeys, the skinny guys trying to be NFL players, the game of dating is a game they're simply not designed to win.


And if this describes you, then how do you fix it? Assuming it's fixable.



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Jul 2020, 2:22 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Everybody is given a certain set of cards in life. We all have different personalities and traits that come together to allow us to either excel or struggle in certain areas or hobbies.

For instance, because of my traits, i'll never be a good basketball player no matter how much I practice. I'm short, slow, uncoordinated, and can't jump very high. If I aspired to be a basketball player, I wouldn't get very far. I'd never make the NBA and I would probably never even be a starter for my high school team, no matter how much I trained and practiced. I simply have the wrong combination of traits and skillset that it takes to excel in the game of basketball.


Dating is similar in that it's a game that some people are naturally going to excel in and for other people, they're going to massively struggle. Some people are blessed with the right combination of looks, personality, and social skills and they have little problems with finding romantic or sexual partners. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum, perhaps the reason why some people struggle with dating is because they simply possess the wrong combination of traits and skillset that is needed to be successful. They're the fat guys trying to be horse jockeys, the skinny guys trying to be NFL players, the game of dating is a game they're simply not designed to win.


And if this describes you, then how do you fix it? Assuming it's fixable.


A golden medal awarded for this post.



kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2020, 2:32 pm

I don’t have the “qualities” required for successful dating.

1. I’m short. 5 foot 5

2. I’m chubby (actually, I am obese by some definitions).

3. My looks are nothing special. That’s me in my avatar. I’m better-looking now than I was when I was younger.

4. I don’t exude masculinity

5. My social skills aren’t all that good.

And many others.

If I relied on bars and conventional dating, I would still be a virgin.

I stayed out of the dating loop, and I’ve done okay with having relationships with women. It’s because I hung out with somewhat quirky people—people who didn’t care that I wasn’t an alpha male and prime dating material.



Citymale
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08 Jul 2020, 4:39 pm

dorkseid wrote:
I'm 38 years old and still single. I've never been successful at dating. I've heard other older Aspie men say that they realized at some point that they just have no choice but to give up on ever having a girlfriend or getting married. I'm wondering if its time for me to accept that its just not possible for me because I just happened to be born with a condition I had no choice in.


I am 33 and may be giving up too. I am a half empty person and I eventually make people feel bad, even my family. I used to think I could develop myself through experience, but the difference between me and people may be just too big.

You can get a “whiff” of women by taking social dancing lessons. They still won’t want to date you, but you can be taught how to dance with them where it’s kind of enjoyable for both of you. If you want more instructions on how to get started, feel free to pm me.



Citymale
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08 Jul 2020, 4:49 pm

I had tried giving up porn five to seven years ago, but I ended up craving it after spending time home alone. It does feel like pleasure! And it is interesting. With porn, larger forces than anybody understands are at work.

I have an NTish man who never exercised who is single and fifty years old now. I would advise him to exercise using dumbbells, cook and keep apartment clean. His hygiene is bad as he does not shower every day or cut his finger nails because he hates living alone and has given up.

I somehow do not translate this advice about exercising with dumbbells to myself.

I would say if you exercise, cook, and go to social dance lessons - you will still not date, but women will find you enjoyable for brief moments. But it will be a tease. You will be teased. And that makes you feel bad as you do not have what you see other people enjoying. I don’t have the answer to you other than to exercise with dumbbells as hopefully it will make you feel better and give you the desire to do other things. Ultimately, dating is something we can never do as well as the neurotypicals. Some women will date you for the little part of you that can do it, but only if you are happy yourself and have other qualities such as health exercise being handy at home, etc.



Citymale
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08 Jul 2020, 4:51 pm

One thing about trying to get a date with a woman is it is kind of fun. It is dangerous as you can hurt women and come off as a creepy guy and ruin your reputation. But the little positive interactions you get when a woman reacts to you like you are an NT - you get a taste of what NTs experience and why NTs date.



sly279
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08 Jul 2020, 5:59 pm

Here here


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kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2020, 6:03 pm

People date because people want a connection with someone else. That connection doesn’t necessarily involve sex—though sex is usually a part of romantic relationships.



dorkseid
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08 Jul 2020, 6:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Everybody is given a certain set of cards in life. We all have different personalities and traits that come together to allow us to either excel or struggle in certain areas or hobbies.

For instance, because of my traits, i'll never be a good basketball player no matter how much I practice. I'm short, slow, uncoordinated, and can't jump very high. If I aspired to be a basketball player, I wouldn't get very far. I'd never make the NBA and I would probably never even be a starter for my high school team, no matter how much I trained and practiced. I simply have the wrong combination of traits and skillset that it takes to excel in the game of basketball.


Dating is similar in that it's a game that some people are naturally going to excel in and for other people, they're going to massively struggle. Some people are blessed with the right combination of looks, personality, and social skills and they have little problems with finding romantic or sexual partners. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum, perhaps the reason why some people struggle with dating is because they simply possess the wrong combination of traits and skillset that is needed to be successful. They're the fat guys trying to be horse jockeys, the skinny guys trying to be NFL players, the game of dating is a game they're simply not designed to win.


And if this describes you, then how do you fix it? Assuming it's fixable.


A golden medal awarded for this post.


I disagree. Having a significant other and getting married are not as uncommon as being a professional basketball player. Its quite common and natural for nearly every adult on the planet, to the point that its considered the norm. By comparison, very few people are or ever will be professional athletes. Your comparison is extremely flawed.



kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2020, 6:10 pm

You’re a teacher, Dorkseid.

Why in hell would you give up?



dorkseid
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08 Jul 2020, 6:42 pm

Not sure why that's relevant?

Anyway, I teach English online.

I think I might have to give up because I haven't been able to get a girlfriend most of my adult life. The only time I did have a girlfriend, it was someone I settled for out of desperation. And I eventually found out she was looking for someone emotionally vulnerable that she could abuse emotionally. No other woman has wanted to be with me before or sense.