Marriage is failing

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My husband was diagnosed last year, at 53 years of age. We've been married for 14 years but only lived together for the last 6 years (long distance marriage). He doesn't communicate and retreats to his comfy place behind a screen of some type...phone, tablet, TV. I'm so frustrated and alone, I don't know how to keep living like this. Any comments/advice would be appreciated.

When I hid behind some screen all the time, I wasn't aware of it but it was because I was overstimulated and overloaded.
Does your husband work? What kind of work? Do you have kids? Is your apartament sensory-friendly? Is radio, TV, etc. always on? How much time together do you expect to spend with him? He probably needs quiet time alone to be able to socialize even with you.
Maybe you both can work on some schedule that would be acceptable to both of you.

I’m pretty much the same way with my wife. And she’s not happy about it, either.

I would seek commonalities between you two, and take advantage of them.

The worst thing you can do is nag him about his tendencies towards wanting to hang out with his devices.

Do you have interests you like to pursue on your own?

Do you have friends outside the marriage? Perhaps hanging out with them more might induce more happiness within you.

If your husband gets upset that you have friends, I wouldn’t stay in the marriage.

What got you together with your husband in the first place?

I hope and pray that all is ok. That you two will be closer again.

My wife has exactly the same problem with me.
I’m going to try to bullet point a few things we’ve worked out/do in the hope it gives you some inspiration:

• We schedule in shared activities which don’t necessarily require talking (tonight we’re going to do a thousand piece jigsaw together with a radio drama series of her choosing on).

• She has put her foot down and insisted that I must be available for at least twenty minutes to talk about her day Monday to Friday, balancing compromise being on Sundays I’m left completely alone.

• She also relies on friends and family a lot for her need for conversational support.

• We eat together every evening bar Sunday at the kitchen table: usually with a radio comedy on.

• We try to go to the theatre/standup comedy/concerts together whenever we can afford it, although it’s usually a day later that I can converse about the evening (sensory stimuli can be a lot with these sorts of things).

• She does ask me questions about my interests regularly: that’s probably a conscious effort on her part now I come to think on it.

Hope something in there is relevant/useful.

I would agree with trying to do shared activities on a regular basis.

Thank you for your replies, they're all very helpful! It never occurred to me to schedule his "screen time". I don't want to treat him like a child but maybe he need the structure? I don't know...

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Welcome.

Question: How do you communicate with your husband now when you want to talk to him about things that are important to you? Is it a challenge to communicate with him verbally? When my wife is really bothered by something we've found that it helps if she writes out her feelings and shares them with me that way. We usually do this by electronic chat. Yes, sometimes even when we are in the house at the same time but in different rooms. It's often difficult for autistic people to process and react to face to face communication in "real time".

Tbh, my life was a chaotic mess before my wife took it upon herself to teach me how to schedule.
Doing so might help, but without knowing your husband can’t be certain... worth giving it a go, but don’t expect quick or easy.

I'd rather take it from the other side - schedule and structure your non-screen time together.

Don't make your husband feel you're controlling him. Try to understand his needs, including need for being in his own world.

Both me and my husband spend most of our awake time on screen - such jobs and interests. But we have our rituals: morning coffee without screens. Exercising together. Sharing interesting news during meal preparation. Evening movie. Such things.

Last edited by magz on 30 Apr 2020, 8:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

^ I agree with magz. Welcome!

Some parents are letting their kids make their own schedule for school work during lockdown and finding that approach works better than enforcing one of their own.

The same strategy might also work for you.

Yeah, that occurred to me after logging off and going away to mop the kitchen floor: it will probably be a less frustrating conversation for both of you if you’re “scheduling in” extra activities rather than “scheduling out” existing activities.
Emphasis on “less” (it’s still frustrating for both of us here).

Also, as indicated above: I’m expected to be involved in chores/housekeeping... this has taken years to learn, and I’m still learning, but it does help Mrs K feel supported and looked after.
(Yes, the learning is frustrating both ways)

Try to become more lively and interesting yourself and a reason of good mood to him. May be you could try to spread a bit more positive energy yourself and remind him to care you more because you are feeling lonely.
Beside of this it could be helpful to show a bit interest in what he is doing the whole time.
Try tpend more time together, make plans, trips, visit events once Corona is over aso.

^ I think scheduling time do things you both enjoy doing is a good place to start.

^ Oh gosh yes! It took me so long to learn how to give compliments and appreciation the same weight as criticism.