Does having male friends help you get dates

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I ran into some other post -- that is 10+ pages long by now -- where someone was complaining about not having dates and, somewhere on the 2-nd or 3-rd page -- he got an advice that getting male friends would help. Since like I said its 10+pages long and that was the second page, I didn't really have time to read till the end. But that advice rings the bell as something that might be helpful for me, as well. So I decided to make my own thread about it.

Now, what I read on the 2-nd or 3-rd page of that other thread is that men who complain about being dateless, don't have male friends either. They took that observation to say that having male friends would help. But I think the validity of that conclusion would depend on the "reasons" behind the observed pattern. I can think of at least 4 reasons:

1. Men who don't get along with women are actually having bigger social problems that preclude them from getting along with either gender. So women don't actually "care" how many male friends they have. Rather, they simply make the same mistakes with women as they do with men so they allienate both groups, in parallel.

2. When the woman sees that a guy has male friends, then she knows that he genuinely wants to interact and isn't just "after the puzzy". So that would make "her" more willing to interact with him as well.

3. Women want to know that the guy they hang out with is well liked. And being well liked is assessed by both having male friends and female friends.

4. Male friends would introduce you to the female friends of theirs.

Now, if the reasons are 2, 3 or 4, then I can see why having male friends would help. If the reason is 1, then I guess that might help too -- since you get to practice social skills with men -- but its a lot less direct. I realize that more than likely it is a combination of all of the above. But which of them play bigger role and which of them play smaller role? What is your opinion on this?

To give you a concrete example from my own life, few years ago I was in University of Mississippi (I am not there any more) and I had two male officemates -- both were from Iran -- neither of them had any friends (male or female) other than each other. Now, I like studying in the caffeteria rather than the office; I guess when I am in the office I feel "trapped" if you know what I mean. But I remember they kept asking me why I don't study in the office. Also, those two guys from Iran, as well as the professor I was working under, and one other professor in his department, were going to lunch together; all of them were male. THey kept inviting me to come whenever I was around -- and I would always come when they were to invite me (I have trouble saying no) -- but most of the time I wasn't around on the first place for the above-cited reason, and they were sometimes asking me why I wasn't usually around to which I gave evasive answers, like "oh I just woke up late" or made up some chore or whatever. I remember one time that male professor of mine invited me to a dinner with female friend of his (I don't remember if she was a professor at a different department or what it was). I don't think he was trying to set me up though, since I was under the impression it was him and her and I was just invited to come along (and no it wasn't their date either -- he is married). But that was the only time he invited me to meet anyone other than the aforementioned group of men -- although like I said, I wasn't usually around, so its always possible he would have invited me to meet more people if I was around more often.

In any case, here is the question. What would have happened if I were to study in my office and come with that group of 4 people for lunch every day (yes they were having lunch together every day). Do you think women would have liked me better because they would have seen that I am not always by myself?

Last edited by QFT on 30 Apr 2020, 11:21 am, edited 2 times in total.

I was the one who first made the observation that there seems to be a strong correlation between a man's ability to get along with other men, and his popularity with women.

The responses have run the gamut from "No sh***, Sherlock" to "You must be out of your mind".

It does make sense, however; a man who cannot form or maintain friendships with other men (who are like him in almost every way) will be less likely to form and maintain friendships with women (who are different from him in almost every way).

Observations (and personal experience) may bear this out. A group of men is likely to attract more women per man than one man out all by himself -- you can see this at every bar and honky-tonk from east coast to west.

• There must be reasons why a "loner" doesn't have any friends, and those reasons may not be pleasant.

• There also must be reasons why popular people are popular, and those reasons are likely pleasant ones.

So it only stands to reason that women (consciously or not) will be on the "lookout" men in groups, because those are more likely to be both pleasant and "safe".  Loners are to be avoided because who knows what they're into that drives other people away?

Do you mean that woman assumes the existence of those pleasant/unpleasant reasons before they ever manifest, or do you mean that they do manifest so the woman doesn't have to even assume anything?

Here is how this difference plays the role. If you go to the example of the group of men that kept inviting me that I described in OP, that was *not* reflexive of my goos social skills; it was kinda a given. Now, if I were to accept that offer, would I have been able to "cheat the system" -- as in, the women would think "hey, he is in the group of people, so there must be some pleasant reasons why thats the case" -- but actually there are none; yet women would think that there are, so they would befriend me.

But then the other scenario is that the reasons that keep me from getting friends "other than that group" would manifest themselves even when I am with that group. For example, my voice is naturally loud (which is probably part of why I have no friends). So if I were to have lunch with that gorup and speak loudly, that would have pushed women away, and they wouldn't really care about the fact that I am with that group.

Now, which one do you think would have happened?

If only male friends, then the short answer is: No.

You need of both.

THAT is a chicken/egg question.  The man may be alone because he manifests unpleasant traits, and/or he manifests those traits because he is alone.  Who knows?Now you've got it!  That's not "cheating the system" -- that's [i]exploiting it!Both, actually.  Either learn to speak quietly, or speak very little.

Last edited by Fnord on 30 Apr 2020, 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

The problem is that its not up to me whom I am friends with, its up to them, too. So if women don't want to be my friends, what am I to do?

Hence the question: would having male friends help me get "my foot in the door" so to speak -- which would then allow me to obtain female friends? Or should I keep looking for other ways of getting female friends other than this one?

Simple: Stop worrying about "What if" and go make some friends.

When I look at that phrase "what are they into", this raises another question. When I think of bad things someone can be "into", from crime to drugs, those are all group activities. So what kind of things would a loner be "into"?

Crime and drugs -- these are also solitary activities. Think of all of the people you've heard of who've committed "Lone Wolf" crimes in the last 10-20 years (i.e., Elliot Rodger, Chris Harper-Mercer, Sheldon Bentley, William Atchison, et cetera).

I'm not saying that every solitary male is a Grim Slasher; I'm just saying that unless someone either wants to be left alone (and we all occasionally do), or a change of circumstances puts them someplace where they are strangers (i.e., a new job, a vacation, et cetera), there must be a reason why no one wants to be with a solitary person, and that reason may be an unpleasant one.  It could even be something as simple as chronic complaining ... "Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  Poor, poor me!"  We all know people like that, too.

However, if you see a group of friends having a good time and getting along well with each other, then it's a safe bet that most of them will have a boyfriend or girlfriend, as well; and some of them may even be approachable regardless of their relationship status.

Having FRIENDS helps people get dates. It would be even better if a man had female friends.

Yes, but if you put two lists side by side, one with lone wolf crimes and the other with group crimes, wouldn't the group crimes list be a lot longer? And then we also have loners that don't commit crimes. Sure, there are very few of them. But there are also very few the ones that do. So maybe being a loner is just rare, regardless of whether you commit a crime or not. And "some" loners being criminal is as simple as "some" people of every other group sometimes are criminal.

Also, in my experience the polular people don't look particularly that pleasant. When I see a lonely girl she looks quite nice, but if I see a large group full of people, they are always loud and abnoxious.



What if the reason is that they have poor social skills? Sure, poor social skills are rare. But aren't those lone wolf criminals even more rare (even if there are 20 of them, divide 20 by the population of the earth to see how few there are).

But, as much as I say its unfair, I do suspect that something like that might play a role. In particular the following rings the bell:



One thing I noticed is that, when I start a new school at a different place, people *initially* try to talk to me. But then, as time goes by, they don't like me any more. So could it be that, when I am new to the place, they think I am a loner because I am new, but once I am not new then they think I am a loner because I am into something bad?

Here is something else I noticed. So few months ago a bus driver started a converation with me. She was a female in her 20-s. I thought oh cool, finally a girl talks to me. But then it turned out she is new to the area. And then I had similar experience with someone in the front desc. Usually women at the front desc -- even though its their job to talk to students -- wouldn't really say hi to me and wait for the male to talk to me if there is a male near by. But there was one exception. So a woman on a front desc started to talk to me and was quite friendly. But then it turned out that she was new there as well. So the question is: why is it every time someone is friendly towards me -- as rare as it is -- they are always new? I guess I have three theories:

a) They are trying to make their own friends since they don't have any
b) I have bad reputation going around
c) People see that I am always by myself and judge me based off of that

Well, if its "c", that would confirm what you are saying.



Here is the question: is it because they are good with people so they were able to find significant others on their own, or is it because being in the group helped them? If its the latter, does it mean that if -- back in Mississippi -- I were to go with that group for lunch, then I "probably" would have obtain a girlfriend?

Yeah, I would prefer female friends to male friends any day. The problem is that I can't get female friends either. So would getting male friends help me with getting female friends, or is it just a wishful thinking? If it is a wishful thinking, I would gladly look at other ways of making female friends (I don't know which ones though). So please give me your honest opinion.

I don't think there's anything specific about having male friends that improves your chances of getting a relationship, but guys who can successfully make friends of any gender are more likely to have the social skills necessary to cultivate a romantic relationship than guys who struggle to make friends.

I don't know that the gender of the friends a guy has, has anything to do with how that guy is perceived by women, just so long as he has friends. In fact, I would think that having female friends would be an even better sign, as it's proof that the guy knows how to treat women, and has the capacity to make women feel comfortable around him. That can be a double-edged sword though, as on-lookers may assume that a guy's female friend is actually his romantic partner, and not look to pursue anything with him on that basis.

Whenever you get to practice your social skills it is a good thing. As you get more comfortable it will help in other areas of your life. Maybe you could go for lunch on the occasional Friday? On a Friday there is a good chance that eventually someone in the group will invite you to join him outside of work. It could be fun, and an opportunity to meet other people.

If you read my OP, I mentioned that it was few years ago, in Mississippi. Right now I am in New Mexico. So its too late for that.

The reason I brought it up is that I am thiking "what if I run into the similar situation in the future, maybe I shouldn't diss it this time". But when will it happen, I don't know.

Oops, I missed that. But I still think you should take advantage to practice social skills where you can. I personally stopped mixing work and nonwork ages ago, because sometimes it got weird for me (in my own head I'm sure).

I chose "in parallel". When it comes to meeting someone first impressions matter, and in that moment you have no idea who their friends are. Mingle or you'll never meet anyone, keep conversations simple until you improve your skills. Smile.

My personal preference is to not care who your friends are as long as they aren't needy (code for mentally exhausting). I'm a loner and like someone who can speak on a variety of topics, makes me laugh, doesn't judge and lets me be myself to a certain extent. I was married before and he was an extrovert - I had a lot of fun and life was interesting because he got me to do things I would never have done on my own.