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Mothmanda
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14 May 2020, 12:26 pm

Hi, 19F here. My boyfriend and I are both on the spectrum, but while I am very introverted and aloof and need a lot of space, he is extremely affectionate and way too sentimental.

In the early stages of our relationship, I enjoyed how he wore his heart on his sleeve and was so genuine and playful and lovely. But he goes on these long-winded speeches about how much he loves me, gives really long apologies, hyperfixates on sex and is just super sappy. It's starting to nauseate me. He sends me letters every day.

I am not a cold, uncaring person, but it takes me much longer to express and reciprocate affection than most people, and I cannot keep with this anymore. He's a sweet person but I feel irritated every time we talk, even after the millions of conversations we've had about toning it down and respecting emotional boundaries. Should I break up with him? I don't know what to do. :?



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14 May 2020, 12:56 pm

Welcome. After having all of the same conversations where you voice your frustrations and have asked him to "tone it down", he hasn't shown any signs of changing?

If he's clueless and oblivious to your needs and it's already beginning to cause great stress and frustration for you, something will have to change. How direct have you been with him in voicing your frustrations?


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14 May 2020, 4:17 pm

There is really no such thing as being "Too Affectionate". What he's doing isn't wrong but, maybe it isn't right for you. You already said what he does nauseate you and that you feel irritated every time you talk to him so from what it sounds like that relationship isn't for you.

You've had conversations already about it and unless he is just oblivious to your needs(which I'm sure you wouldn't want to stick around for) it might just be the way he is when it comes to relationships. At this point from what you said it sounds like he isn't willing to change so I would say it would be best to end it before it gets any worse.



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17 May 2020, 3:04 pm

Mothmanda wrote:
Hi, 19F here. My boyfriend and I are both on the spectrum, but while I am very introverted and aloof and need a lot of space, he is extremely affectionate and way too sentimental.

In the early stages of our relationship, I enjoyed how he wore his heart on his sleeve and was so genuine and playful and lovely. But he goes on these long-winded speeches about how much he loves me, gives really long apologies, hyperfixates on sex and is just super sappy. It's starting to nauseate me. He sends me letters every day.

I am not a cold, uncaring person, but it takes me much longer to express and reciprocate affection than most people, and I cannot keep with this anymore. He's a sweet person but I feel irritated every time we talk, even after the millions of conversations we've had about toning it down and respecting emotional boundaries. Should I break up with him? I don't know what to do. :?


Maybe you should tell him you need to have your space for a while to clear your head space a little as it seems that he maybe failing to understand that. That way, you should be able to have a clear picture if you love the guy or not?

You must make that clear for him and straightforward. This will obviously hurt him and may break his heart but you must explain your reasons to him. Of course you can still be friends with him and try put his mind at ease, but it won't be easy for sure.

Also, you both are young and have so much more to experience.


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17 May 2020, 3:39 pm

Show him this thread.

If he has any dignity, he would break up with you immediately after reading it.



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17 May 2020, 4:07 pm

does the phrase sexual harassment come to mind, which is how a person describes unwanted sexual, verbal or physical advances . Even Aspies when they are told so NEED To be respectful of your wishes Similiar situation but both me aand my suitor had the same exact situation, He would not hear it out of my mouth , but he did hear it out of the policemans mouth . :( it is what it is. sorry.


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17 May 2020, 4:29 pm

I think even an NT would find that a bit much. And I'd like to add that yes there is such a thing as too much affection. It's where you want to draw the line.

What have you said to him exactly?

If you used the term "tone it down" there's a possibility that he doesn't understand what that means.

When I was a teenager a guy told me that we need to take a backseat. I didn't understand what he meant. He meant he was done with me, but was putting it politely.

Sometimes being direct is better for us aspies.



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17 May 2020, 4:37 pm

female aspies ,, all aspies can be notoriously naive ..but naivete stops , when you have askeed him directly and repeatedly to stop certain behaviours


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18 May 2020, 2:30 am

hurtloam wrote:
I think even an NT would find that a bit much. And I'd like to add that yes there is such a thing as too much affection. It's where you want to draw the line.

What have you said to him exactly?

If you used the term "tone it down" there's a possibility that he doesn't understand what that means.

When I was a teenager a guy told me that we need to take a backseat. I didn't understand what he meant. He meant he was done with me, but was putting it politely.

Sometimes being direct is better for us aspies.
I agree that you need to be very direct with him Mothmanda. Tell him what specific behaviors you have a problem with & it might also help to tell him specific things you like so so he'd know alternative ways to be affectionate. For example something like "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't write poetry for me as much & if instead you occasionally offer to give me back-rubs". This is assuming you haven't tried the direct approach yet of corse.


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18 May 2020, 3:32 pm

You can try garlic.



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18 May 2020, 4:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You can try garlic.

Only if he's a vampire. :wink:


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18 May 2020, 4:44 pm

Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You can try garlic.

Only if he's a vampire. :wink:


By try I mean to eat it.

Have you ever tried to kiss someone who ate a raw garlic? You don’t have to be a vamp to die from it.



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19 May 2020, 5:35 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You can try garlic.

Only if he's a vampire. :wink:


By try I mean to eat it.

Have you ever tried to kiss someone who ate a raw garlic? You don’t have to be a vamp to die from it.


Thankfully no. I'm not too sure if eating raw garlic is going to be enough to put him off if he is to the point he's obsessed with her?


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19 May 2020, 6:12 am

Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You can try garlic.

Only if he's a vampire. :wink:


By try I mean to eat it.

Have you ever tried to kiss someone who ate a raw garlic? You don’t have to be a vamp to die from it.


Thankfully no. I'm not too sure if eating raw garlic is going to be enough to put him off if he is to the point he's obsessed with her?


If that doesn't work, then maybe the OP should bath in mud.



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19 May 2020, 11:55 am

My sister(AS) had this same issue with a previous boyfriend. As time went on, he became more and more obsessive, and it turned out that he was Bipolar, and for him, this heavily influenced his behaviour. He was overly affectionate, in inappropriate ways, and no amount of discussing and explaining her needs etc seemed to work. When she could finally take no more, and broke up with him, he then would keep trying to see her, and wound up needing hospitlisation, as his mental health deteriorated. He really frightened her once, knocking madly on her door repeatedly, refusing to leave her alone.

Your boyfriend sounds like the kind of guy I'm looking for funnily enough! I'm finding it near impossible to find anyone who's consistent and loving! There's plenty who start out warm and caing, but wind up being scarily cold!



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19 May 2020, 7:04 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Blint wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You can try garlic.

Only if he's a vampire. :wink:


By try I mean to eat it.

Have you ever tried to kiss someone who ate a raw garlic? You don’t have to be a vamp to die from it.


Thankfully no. I'm not too sure if eating raw garlic is going to be enough to put him off if he is to the point he's obsessed with her?


If that doesn't work, then maybe the OP should bath in mud.


If he has a hose, then she's in a bit of trouble.


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