Domestic abuse double standards - controlling behaviour

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These days, we recognise (rightly) that domestic abuse is not just about physical violence. It also includes controlling behaviour via such means as the silent treatment, withholding affection, holding the relationship hostage, jealousy and prohibiting your partner from contacting family and/or friends. I completely agree with this and I have actually fought, as a lawyer, to protect women who were victims of those behaviours in the courts and to help them find alternative accommodation.

In several of my own relationships I have experienced abusive treatment myself. Three of my more recent girlfriends have been very insecure and paranoid, even though they were actually very attractive to the point that my friends told me they were out of my league (one of them was a model). Their behaviours have included:

* Demanding that I delete female friends from Facebook
* Assuming I have some kind of relationship history or ongoing affair with long-time female friends who attend social gatherings, based merely on the fact that they are present (i.e. not because I'm showering them with attention, constantly hugging them etc. in a way that might arouse more reasonable suspicion)
* Accusing me, in front of several of my colleagues, of flirting with a female colleague when actually I was just talking about work and giving her career advice (this was in spite of the fact that the girl who did this didn't want my colleagues to know about our relationship)
* Accusing me of flirting with other girls whenever they saw me texting or noticed that I was online on WhatsApp (even when I was only talking to my mum or to male friends)
* Not liking me going home to visit my family and friends on weekends because they were paranoid that I was going to go out and get involved with some other girl

At first this behaviour is kind of flattering as I did not do very well with girls when I was younger and it seems like a novelty that someone who is so much hotter than me would be the insecure one out of the two of us. However, after a while it gets ridiculous and I find it controlling. I get annoyed, and the next thing I know they are keeping me up until 4am crying and wailing and telling me how horrible I am. They even try and flip the script by accusing me of being the abusive one for raising my voice and/or threatening to walk away, as if I'm just not allowed to be angry with them full stop. It's a bit like that film "the Craft" where she wishes the popular guy at school would become attracted to her but then finds that he goes absolutely off the rails.

The response to this kind of behaviour has been mixed among my family and friends. Some agree with me that it is controlling, abusive and unacceptable, whereas others have a softer stance, saying things like "weeeeeeeeell I sort of see what you mean, but she is insecure, perhaps she just needs a bit of understanding and patience" (even though the girls in question had promised me about 400 times that they would stop acting this way only to break those promises later). I really can't imagine that, if I tried to control my girlfriend in that way, I would get such a soft response. I am sure people would say "what an abusive, controlling scumbag! How dare he tell you what to do! Get rid of him NOW!"

It seems that the elephant in the room is that because I am a man - quite a big, loud, assertive one at that - I should be able to just let this stuff wash over me and it's more acceptable for the women I date to be incapable of regulating their emotions and behaving reasonably. That's not my view, just to be extra clear - but that's what I get from other people.

One of those girls actually got physical with me on a couple of occasions - trying to shoulder-barge me into a road, throwing a deodorant can at me and constantly poking me during an argument in order to trigger an angry reaction. Obviously I was a lot bigger and stronger than her, but I did have concern that she could escalate her behaviour and that I could be in danger down the line if, for example, she used a weapon or caught me by surprise. In any event, to my mind this is a matter of principle - I shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour any more than the UFC heavyweight champion should just let me attack him if I see him on the street. As for the controlling behaviour without the violence... well, if violence is off the table then I don't see why my gender, size and/or strength are relevant at all.

But even I am not entirely exempt from this double standard. Even I wrestle with my conscience if the girl I am seeing is crying her eyes out because she's so upset that we had this huge argument again. Perhaps it's instinctive.

Do you think domestic abuse towards men is taken less seriously? Should it be? Why?

Yes, and this is a universal fact across all human cultures. And whoever denies it is living under a rock.

Why?

Because gender is fundamental part of any culture and probably a part of our human nature, but this is another nature vs nurture debate, either way it's continuously embedded in us since the day we're born.

Yes, it's taken less seriously. Even during Coronavirus I keep seeing financial aid campaigns and mental health services for "women" facing or fleeing domestic abuse. I suppose the men can suffer on their own? Men don't exist? Men don't need money or counsellors?

What about the non-binary population?

Changing the wording to "people" might cost tax payers too much, I guess.

Should it be this way? Um, no.

Why? People are people. I don't do sexism or gender discrimination.

Males are the dispensable gender; that's why it's the males who are often sent to wars :p.

And it's mostly due to self-sexism more than anything.

Playing Devil's advocate, the best I can say for focusing on female victims in that context is that men usually have more material resources at their disposal that they can use to escape the situation and usually have a strength advantage that they can use to protect themselves if things get physical.

Yes, that is the faulty stereotype.

There's also a heteronormative assumption that all couples are male / female. Gay men need support against other men, and some women are mentally, physically and / or psychologically abusive to their male or female partners. Most men won't fight back against women, or even their boyfriends.

Men are sent to wars because they're faster, stronger, and don't get pregnant. Not because they're "disposable."

People who are just insecure aren't that paranoid and controlling. They worry about their personal fears, rather than insisting what they fear is true and refusing to accept when reality proves them wrong. Sorry you had to go through this. I have been there, too. People who act this way will tell you whatever you want to hear as you pull away and draw a boundary. But, they will always go back to the way they know how to deal with the world once you give into them. If they truly want to change, they will. If they truly respect you, they will. Instead, most of these individuals blame everyone but themselves, but they live in a hell they themselves perpetuate.



It is taken far less seriously, and should not be. Society believes in the abusive man, not the abusive woman. And it believes in the ungrateful child, not the ungrateful parent.

The Olympics prove that the physical differences (as in strength and speed) aren't that wide. Strong people are strong.

Domestic abuse against men is pretty much a subject of comedy by comparison. You can joke happily about beating up men, cutting them to pieces and what not. And if a man goes to authorities to report it, he'll be laughed at and told to man up. It's awful.

The average person is not an olympic athlete. And the majority of the human population, from which the military draws its members, is average.

And women are sent to war. They're just currently not eligible for the draft.

And, as to the rest of this topic, men typically have more financial resources at their disposal than women, and women in domestic abuse situations are much more likely to end up maimed or dead.

With that being said, there absolutely is a double-standard when it comes to violence against men. And women are much more likely to be seen as innocent or "victims," which has been backed up by studies.

Keep in mind that domestic disputes are one of the most dangerous situations for police.

At least with criminals the lines are clearly drawn, so getting blind sided is much less likely.

I bet this double standards exists basically due to homophobia.

Homophobia is not just about prejudice against homosexuals, but against any man who doesn't fulfill the generally accepted idea of a man.

Sorry, I forgot to add and I seem to be unable to edit my post now: the behaviour I experienced included being pestered and pressured for sex even when I was tired or sick, and they absolutely would not accept that I was being genuine. They were adamant that it had to be because I wasn't attracted to them.

QFT.

I find that they tend to try and guilt-trip me and suggest that I'm lacking in compassion and/or emotional intelligence by confronting them over these outbursts and calling them unreasonable. They sometimes bring Asperger's into it - "you just don't get it because you have Asperger's".

I feel like common ideas like "compromise to make your relationship work", "accept people how they are because no one is perfect", "validate people's feelings" and "apologise even when you don't really think you're wrong because your relationship is more important than your ego" sound very nice and fluffy... but they just don't stand up when you test them on a real argument. They become a shield that people with abusive tendencies can take cover behind whenever you call them out on their behaviour, and they can even become another tool to control you with. "I'm not a horrible abuser, I don't need to change my ways, you just need to accept that people aren't perfect/be more understanding/use emotional intelligence". And when it's a girl doing it, it seems like people expect you to be more tolerant of their emotional outbursts.