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I fear rejection

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Marknis
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20 Apr 2020, 5:53 pm

I honestly fear being rejected for dates even if not getting an answer at all tears me up inside long after the opportunity has past. I’ve had countless women I found attractive pass me by because the fear of being told “No.” or “I have a boyfriend.” is so great. The few times I have “come out of my shell” ended in failure so that doesn’t help at all.

I am also just very shy in social situations. I’ve had bad social interactions that reinforce the feelings of being ignored or even harmed if I say anything.



Last edited by Marknis on 20 Apr 2020, 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The Grand Inquisitor
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20 Apr 2020, 6:27 pm

Marknis wrote:
I honestly fear being rejected for dates even if not getting an answer at all tears me up inside long after the opportunity has past. I’ve had countless women I found attractive pass me by because the fear of being told “No.” or “I have a boyfriend.” is so great. The few times I have “come out of my shell” ended in failure so that doesn’t help at all.

I am also just very shy in social situations. I’ve had bad social interactions that reinforce the feelings of being ignored or even harmed if I say anything.

Are you talking about instances where you're out in public, or in a social/activity group setting where you see someone you don't know, but find attractive? Because it's generally a bad idea to ask people out in these situations, especially if you're not above average in physical attractiveness.

In situations like this, assuming the woman you're approaching is even single and looking to date, the only metric she has to go off is physical attractiveness, so if she has the potential to garner suitors she finds more physically attractive than you, and if she's an 8/10 and you're a 5/10 for example, you're practically asking for rejection. Not to mention that most people don't appreciate random strangers coming up to them to make a proposition that they're not interested in entertaining.

If someone did catch your eye at a social event or something, a better approach would be to initiate a conversation based on a topic of mutual interest, make their acquaintance and establish rapport with them, and try to gauge whether they seem like they might be receptive to being asked out.

Don't cold-approach. It's almost guaranteed not to work, and all you'll achieve is deflation of your self-esteem.



CubsBullsBears
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20 Apr 2020, 7:56 pm

Regarding your attractiveness, just go on the internet and look for articles that give advice on how to make yourself look more attractive. And when the opportunity comes to meet someone, don’t be afraid to interact with them. That’s the only way you’ll even have a chance.



Marknis
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20 Apr 2020, 11:19 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Are you talking about instances where you're out in public, or in a social/activity group setting where you see someone you don't know, but find attractive? Because it's generally a bad idea to ask people out in these situations, especially if you're not above average in physical attractiveness.


The latter as well as dealing with library patrons or at places like stores, music shows, and social events. If we are talking about out in the open, I might see someone attractive I find attractive but I don’t dare approach in those cases because I myself don’t like it when I am approached in a place like say a parking lot so I would not subject anyone else to that sort of situation.



The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Apr 2020, 5:58 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I honestly fear being rejected for dates even if not getting an answer at all tears me up inside long after the opportunity has past. I’ve had countless women I found attractive pass me by because the fear of being told “No.” or “I have a boyfriend.” is so great. The few times I have “come out of my shell” ended in failure so that doesn’t help at all.

I am also just very shy in social situations. I’ve had bad social interactions that reinforce the feelings of being ignored or even harmed if I say anything.

Are you talking about instances where you're out in public, or in a social/activity group setting where you see someone you don't know, but find attractive? Because it's generally a bad idea to ask people out in these situations, especially if you're not above average in physical attractiveness.

In situations like this, assuming the woman you're approaching is even single and looking to date, the only metric she has to go off is physical attractiveness, so if she has the potential to garner suitors she finds more physically attractive than you, and if she's an 8/10 and you're a 5/10 for example, you're practically asking for rejection. Not to mention that most people don't appreciate random strangers coming up to them to make a proposition that they're not interested in entertaining.

If someone did catch your eye at a social event or something, a better approach would be to initiate a conversation based on a topic of mutual interest, make their acquaintance and establish rapport with them, and try to gauge whether they seem like they might be receptive to being asked out.

Don't cold-approach. It's almost guaranteed not to work, and all you'll achieve is deflation of your self-esteem.



Often older people often claim that cold approaches worked in their days. :roll:

“In my youth, I was used to ask out hot babes in the street and were smothered and impressed by my sheer confidence”.

Yeah, right. :lol:



kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2020, 6:11 pm

Cold approaches rarely worked for me.

I’m pushing 60.



Marknis
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21 Apr 2020, 6:21 pm

It feels like the only way to go about it since so many guys I know did it and it worked for them but it’s never worked for me



kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2020, 6:25 pm

That’s a stupid way of going about it—cold approaches, that is.

It actually only worked once for me—and that relationship didn’t last long.



Marknis
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21 Apr 2020, 6:28 pm

But why do so many guys encourage it? I was pushed to do it and got belittled when I couldn’t do it.



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21 Apr 2020, 6:30 pm

I met my boyfriend in the waiting room of my Osteopath. He overheard me mention a certain city to the staff and we started a conversation. He gave me his number and I was certain I'd chicken out, but I texted him a couple of days later. The rest is history. I'm not saying cold approaches work for everyone, but if an opportunity / interest / conversation presents itself ... go for it.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2020, 6:30 pm

Because those guys are idiots. Don’t listen to them.

The guy Isabella mentioned at least had a reason to approach her. It wasn’t purely a “cold” approach.



IsabellaLinton
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21 Apr 2020, 6:52 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Because those guys are idiots. Don’t listen to them.

The guy Isabella mentioned at least had a reason to approach her. It wasn’t purely a “cold” approach.


True, I guess. So it would be a "cold approach" if he just randomly chatted me up and gave me his number, but I hadn't mentioned Vancouver?


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kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2020, 6:58 pm

That would be a cold approach, yes.

I’m not the type for whom cold approaches work. Most guys aren’t.



IsabellaLinton
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21 Apr 2020, 7:02 pm

I agree that it might not work as well for an autistic man. I like autistic men but I can see how it might be more awkward, or more difficult for them to initiate and maintain small talk.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2020, 7:07 pm

I don’t feel it would work for most men, to be honest.



that1weirdgrrrl
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21 Apr 2020, 7:54 pm

Cold approach seems like it could go two ways.

1. Asking a person out on a date the moment you meet them, without any introduction or small talk, just because they look nice. Probably a bad idea.

2. Striking up a conversation with a stranger and finding out you have something in common and/or you both enjoy the conversation. Then suggesting you two hang out sometime and give your number. Not a bad idea. I've made quite a few friends this way. I never dated any of them, but that's not because of how we met, it just never developed into anything more.


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