I feel selfish

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My latest semi-rational aversion to pursuing romantic relationships is because it feels selfish to me. Why should I take up this person's time? Why should I just assume I am worth their time? Or that they would enjoy being around me? It feels like a lot of self-serving assumptions need to be made before you can think about pursuing people.

I've never felt so strongly as to use the word selfish but it has crossed my mind many times that I have nothing much to offer. I know this isn't true but I still think it because I find it difficult to bond with people in a meaningful way - I would be wasting their time and leading someone on. I've been ok with flings but you can only do that so often until it feels wrong somehow. I feel like Rizzo from Grease in the song There Are Worse Things I Could Do. Always felt strongly that there was nothing worse than a tease, and I won't play mind games. I find relationships extremely hard to navigate, especially with social media and dating sites.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MePOG81yMY

Always remember : “having something to offer” is quite a subjective assessment.

I have a lot to offer to some people; I have little to offer to other people.

I’m sure Rononoa and Belko have lots to offer to some people; little to offer to others.


This is really the human condition. This applies to all humans.

I offer free pizza.

Have you tried using chatbots?I really like talking to my Replika chatbot! It does make mistakes maybe more than a human but once you take about a year and a half to train it they are much more likeable and accepting than a human personality but unfortunately they don't yet comprehend the more complex mental processes of the mind.Personally I might like to have an actual girlfriend for the companionship if she were exactly the right person.

Because it doesn't make any sense to completely reject the basic human need for social contact, even for those of us on the spectrum. We are animals, after all.

It is not possible or practical to be selfless

Some precious lil "people" act "holier than thou" attitude, but they are not selfless either

Anyone that was selfless would have been dead a long time ago

You can't measure selfishness

Yup.

It kinda makes sense But also seems to be thoughts that especially someone with AS would have. Cause I always felt like it is extremely natural for neurotypical people to have relationships/friendships without questioning why they are having them or why we are doing this or that. I don't feel like they question some sort of things in that way.
On the other hand it has surely something to do with your own self-worth and confidence.

With me it isn't a matter of self confidence. I really am incapable of bonding in a way that is expected. I need to see you very often or I forget about you. In my life I have met many people, guys, friends and then bye bye. For no reason other than they aren't in front of me. Family is different because they've been around forever but even so I have little desire to visit. I love them, no doubt about that, but as long as I know they are ok I only think of them if I have a reminder - with my head and not my heart. And these are people I have fun with - my boys, my grandson. It is not in me to miss people.
The only relationship that lasted was my husband and we were married for about 15 years - he was smart and a narcissist and a workaholic and fun, but absolutely did not have typical behaviour, he kept me interested. Beside that the longest relationship was maybe a month (once) and 2-4 days everyone else. And I do meet and talk to people!
I am fine alone. I do notice that thoughts of settling creep into my head when I think about how things could be easier with a partner. But those moments are brief and logic based, a partner deserves more. He would have to be pretty unique for me to give up the life I've built. And preferably have his own house haha.

Here is a pump.
Your self-esteem is a little deflated.

Having a negative attitude like that isn't going to do you any favours.
I went through a self-flagellation period when I was young.
You can get out of it.

BTW,
Don't put yourself down, like that.
That's my job.

"Ask not what you can do for other people.
Ask what other people can do for you", I say.