Being asked "Why?"

Post Reply New Topic

Sometimes, when people learn that I haven't been in a relationship, the response I get is "Why?"

I think about that. Usually it is asked out of pure curiosity. Someone once told me that I reminded her of herself, but before she had kissed anyone. I wonder about that statement. People have also told me to grow a backbone and put myself out there more.

However, I am aware that it's not uncommon for gay people to start dating later (although on the other hand, I know two guys that are already engaged to each other). I know a couple of straight people in my social group that haven't started dating yet either.

Being in your twenties can be strange because people are at different stages. Some are casually on the scene (I know some in love squares / octagons and let me tell you that sure does get confusing to keep track of ), others haven't started or aren't interested, a handful are engaged and a few are even married and / or have a kid together. It looks as though I might end up getting invited to one or two weddings in a couple years. To me, that's still a bit bizarre.

I would not worry. You are young. You are still learning about yourself. I have passed my mid 40's and I have probably learnt more about myself in this year just passed, then I did before!
You will probably find your outlook changes as you mature. This is normal. Your 20's is normally still learning what is out there. Around the mid 30's you are in an inbetween stage of trying to surround yourself in everything you have gathered from before within the broader contexts of your special interests. When you reach your 40's you tend to then have sort outs and hone in more on specific areas in your chosen special interests. You start to realize what you like and don't like because you can now speak through experience of trying and owning and collecting or letting go... You realize you have to let go as you do not have space to keep everything, or the time to spend in keeping everything in good condition. It is a time of life where you start to sort out what to keep and what to part with...

I read once that there are connectors and non-connecting personalities. I'm a connector (aka clingy) and had very little time between relationships - a relationship is imperative for me. My ASD-like BFF is a non-connector (aka avoidant) and she had her first date in her 30s - a relationship is practical for her. She met a partner in her mid 40s, but could just as well be without.

Perhaps you are a non-connector? ASD would amplify that of course.

So you are a lesbian? Just visit a gay and lesbian party nearby. Other women may approach you there quite fast.
Or visit just me. I'm not a girl but could be fun to show up with you.

These questions will get worse and more frequent in your 30s.

Even some straight women get curious.... if the woman is attractive enough:

https://www.facebook.com/BigDawsTv/vide ... 899119229/

Yes. I've been to a gay bar a couple of times, but it seemed to mainly be an older crowd. However, there were a few that were my age in there. I've noticed that a considerable amount of my bisexual friends found their romantic partner in one particular gay bar. One of my friends is a bisexual woman engaged to a guy she met at that place. To add on to that, one of her friends also met their current boyfriend at this bar.

I know that when I was getting hit on by a drunk guy at sandwich shop, when I told him that I wasn't interested in men he suggested that I try that bar. There are other gay bars in the area though. I know my friend was half-joking about going on a trip into a different city to check out the gay scene in other places over the summer (which of course didn't happen).

We're both gay and fairly new to the whole dating scene. Plus, we're both quite socially anxious. So a considerable amount of the time our conversation goes "Please help me, I don't know how to talk to men", "Well I don't know how to talk to women so I feel for you", "Aaaaaa", "Aaaaa". We give each other advice but neither of us really know what we're doing. "How do I flirt? Like this?" "Yikes, no, don't do that" "How do people even meet each other?" "Witchcraft probably".

I wonder how many people assume we're dating. Most of time I'm what would probably be considered straight-passing. I'm open about being gay, but people usually assume I'm straight which I can understand. Not always though, I've met people that have guessed such from the start. It's truly bizarre when that happens. During my second year I knew someone that playfully teased me about liking this girl in my class (even though I didn't even like her that way, but for some reason this person thought I liked this girl). Yet I'd never come out to this person before, so a bunch of questions went through my mind. At one point in October she mentioned it being coming out day and added that she thought that "would be of interest to me", which I think was meant to be a subtle nudge of "I think you're gay, are you?"

Maybe someone told her. I mean, I'm not closeted but I don't tend to bring it up unless it's relevant in some way to a conversation. So it took me by surprise when she started making jokes about me liking a visiting exchange student. Oh, and in case you think this person was coming on to me- as far as I know she's straight.

Well, that's an interesting take. I've been looking into such terms out of curiosity as to what would come up, it was mostly the term connector being used as business terminology to describe someone that is good at networking and connecting groups of people.

Now I'm wondering why a relationship is imperative to you. This isn't a criticism, I know it could come across as such but that isn't my intention. I'm just wondering what a practical reason for a relationship is compared to other reasons.

Personally, I reject the narrative that another person completes someone since it implies that they aren't already complete. My view is that if someone is interested in dating they should look for someone that has complementary traits, but that they should also be comfortable living their own life.

At this point, a relationship isn't a top priority. It would be nice to have one though. Perhaps this view will change over time. I think I'd be quite sad though if I ended up never having a relationship.

It's hard to rise children if being on your own and living is a lot cheaper once you can share a lot of stuff. Beside of this do partners care about each other and are able to help each other with a lot of things e.g. if one of them becomes ill or is otherwise in trouble.

Btw. there were two lesbians who did crush a bit on me in the last years. I quite unaware of it. I did nearly crush on another woman before I became aware of her being lesbian too. Strange stories. Did you ever crush on a guy?

Last edited by quite an extreme on 31 May 2020, 9:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

No. I would have been a connector, but men don't like me. I bounced on to another, then another, then another and they all didn't want me, till I gave up.

It's not always a choice.

I like the OPs summary of being in your 20s, we were all at different points in our 20s amongst the group I knew. It's quite normal.

"Get yourself out there" is such an unhelpful thing. Out where? Like there's these magic places where you can meet people who reciprocate.

However, what do you like doing OP? What are your interests and places you like to go? Do you want to meet someone?

Yes - I also have had the experience in Life that one can do the "right" things and create lots of opportunity and something still doesn't happen. One can increase probability, but not guarantee results. I think NTs would say "I haven't found the right person yet".

Folks are always going to have advice, eh? The running joke in my family is that my dad told my sister to lower her standards, and then she met her husband. Coincidence or causation? When I received advice for my issue, I was like "tried that", "tried that", "too tired to try that".

Last edited by SharonB on 31 May 2020, 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm. I can't say I have.



I would like to meet someone after quarantine at some point. My interests are mostly the creative type. I like to draw, write and get lost in fiction. Especially mythology (the weirder the better). Would like to learn more about animation. I'm also trying to learn a couple basic coding languages. During my first year of university I used to be a part of an improv comedy group. I like solving puzzles such as escape the room challenges. Which might seem odd considering my claustrophobia, but I only start losing my cool when there's a lack of physical space, if I can easily move about then I'm fine.

Best time to crush on me then! Just a joke.

Once before I even realized what's wrong with me I stood aside in a disco and was thinking about life when a lesbian girl who had very short hair and was dressed like a guy came along and was half asking half mockingly looking at me. Because I didn't knew what's up with the women at all regarding me I though by myself I should get to know her and let her teach me a bit what counts. Who else than a lesbian could really tell me? Of course this was a very naive way of thinking of me. Next time I started to look a bit more often in her direction to let her know that I would like to know her.
She did realized and after a while she told a girlfriend about me who came to me and told me that I should stop to bother her friend. The lesbian girl had fun as she did and I didn't gave as much on it. A little bit later the other girl did talk to a guy who stood around who came to me and told me that the girls told him that I were annoying them. He did look in a very nice way like a victim and a lovely target of my fists but I remained calm and said that I wasn't even near to the girls nor did I even talk to them. I didn't even move a little bit. He was unsure what to do now and left a little bit later. I noticed that the lesbian girl in the background had totally fun with him starting to mess around with me. Nice! Now was there a manipulative girl in the club who told others to mess around with me.
Next time I visited the club I met her again near the bar. She looked at me and started to grin. I just grinned back to her and then even more in a very innocent and funny way showing her that I had fun with it. Afterward I turned to the bar, got a beer and went to the dancefloor for watching the people a bit. Suddenly sombody touched my hand and short time afterwards again. It was the lesbian girl who stood near me but didn't even look at me. I moved a bit aside but she did again and I thought by myself 'Hell no - what evil plans does she have again?'. So I went to the second bar where I did drink and chat with a very nice barmaid for the rest of the night.
As I left I noticed the lesbian girl sitting on the ground and totally in tears and surrounded by her girlfriends. She did notice me and looked totally angry at me. I couldn't really explain this and left.
Next time in the club I stood near the dancefloor when five girls passed me who all dib rub their tits against me as girls sometimes do towards guys. But the last of them was the little lesbian girl with her small but very nice and firm ones. I didn't get it and thought about this afterwards and then I realized that she must have got a crush on me that time before. Now I felt sorrow for her but I wasn't even a little bit into her at all. How should I even know? But how to connect to women once you are this unable to get their emotions?
Guess the best way would be to get rid of Asperger's. But how without any help at all?

Better to be asked why then constantly told why you haven’t won’t never will be in a relationship.

i know. everybody wants to be the one to make themselves feel better by telling someone to "get out there" feeling like they actually said something helpful" but when asked where "there" is nobody has an answer.

you can meet people in a train station at 1 AM, you can meet them on bumble, you can meet them in a forest, walking a trail. really all it means is "go somewhere that's not your own house".

but "it's not always a choice" is so true....some people just aren't what the majority of others out there are comfortable with or are looking for. not their fault

i feel like a "connector" with a limited battery life. i usually want to be with someone else but after not very long with them i feel drained and want to go back home and be alone. i don't think i'll ever be able to live with someone long term. i can never be satiated



you definitely have a good attitude about it. better than my own at 20.

Once in a club did two young girls tried to kiss to Katy Perrys 'I kissed the girl' just in front of me. They seemed friends and were dancing but very unsure whether really to do so and wether it's really OK for each other. For this all happened with anxiously vibrating lips in slow motion. Looked very cute to me. I gave them a smile to let them know that it's totally OK if they do.