Partner wants to be friends

Post Reply New Topic

My partner doesn't want to date any more and wants to be friends now. I don't really understand how friendship works. She is not autistic. We're in our twenties.

Every friend I had before meeting her was someone that was convenient to be around, and then we stopped being friends when it wasn't convenient. I was generally fine with this. Since meeting her, I'm friends with her friends, but we only see them a few times a year, and I never really talk to them one-on-one. I'm fine with this, too.

So now, she wants to keep hanging out and talking all the time, but not date, and not be partners anymore, and I don't know what to do, because to her, that's friendship, and it makes no sense to me.

To me, people are kind of inflexibly divided into safe and unsafe categories, for lack of better terminology, and I can make eye contact with and don't feel uncomfortable around safe people, and unsafe people are exhausting and confusing and I don't necessarily dislike them, but I can't take them in large doses.

Most people are unsafe, including all of our friends, and I'm afraid that if we change our relationship from "partners" to "friends," then she will be too, and I tried to explain that, but she got upset with me. I don't want to lose one of the only people I am legitimately comfortable with, but I don't know how to reconcile what she wants and needs with my idiot brain's need for strict categorization.

Well...your fears that she will be "unsafe" because friends are unsafe is irrational. But that's not your biggest problem.

MOST people when they say that just want to be friends don't actually mean that. Just being friends is just something people say to be nice, If I noticed that a girl who seemed to be really into me suddenly became distant, didn't return texts, or was too busy to talk, what I would do the next time I got her on the phone would be tell her, "ok, it seems you've got a lot going on in your life right now, and I'm totally ok with that right now. Obviously this is a bad time for a relationship, so let's just take it easy and just be friends for a while. If you ever just want to talk, you know where to find me." And that would be the end of it. When you say things like "just friends" or "call me sometime," that's just a courtesy. Nobody actually means that when they break up. If she ever actually does try to call, you give her a minute or two and tell her "I hate to cut it short, but I'm actually on my way to meet someone right now. So, maybe some other time?" And that's just code for "we broke up. Get a clue." There's not going to be some other time.

If she wants to be "just friends" and actually wants to hang out, then, in my opinion, she has serious issues.

I've honestly tried to do the "just friends" thing before. I used to be engaged to this girl I'd been with since, like, 8th or 9th grade. Long story short, I broke off the engagement because she could really be a horrible, abusive person. But the funny thing after that she suddenly wanted to be intimate with me every chance she got, she wanted to hang out, get rides to college stuff we usually did together, etc. We were FWB for a while. But then she started running her mouth that we were getting back together. I completely cut her out of my life at that point and that was that.

About this time I met someone else that I fell hard for. We actually did become best friends. We were both going through some stuff, and things happened that we couldn't talk about around our ex or SO. She dumped her bf for me, but I was still dealing with some stuff and broke up with her soon after. I tried getting back together with another girl I'd dated around this time. Things didn't work out. But while we were dating other people, we'd still hang out and, well, stuff. I moved halfway across the country for school, dated someone else, and she was with a couple other guys during this time. I moved back after two years, broke up with another girl, and ended up engaged after a few short months. Now we're about to have our 4th baby.

My point is that "just friends" never works out the way you want it to. You're either together or you're not. And if you let her exploit you like you're some manic pixie (ex)boyfriend--first of all, that doesn't speak well for her character, and even less for your self esteem. You need to love yourself better than that.

You might consider taking the risk you might be able to get her back if you just wait things out. I'm married to a girl I kept running away from. But you need to understand that's really exceptional. As long as she wants to hang out with you and makes every effort to do so, she's not giving herself room for another boyfriend. But if she DOES get another boyfriend, what does that mean for you? That's why I say you should to the right thing, look after yourself, and put some distance between you and this girl.

I've never been able to stay friends with exes but I have seen it happen with other couples. It only seems to work if you are both in agreement on the breakup. Otherwise one is only agreeing to friendship as a means to get the partner back, or using it to keep tabs on them (she's dating again, etc - info that can only make you feel bad and who needs that?).

Sounds like you have been together for awhile. If you truly care for her ask why she thinks you should break up - the truth. I think we deal better with straight talk then we do with guessing. Maybe there are some things you can work on together. The only time I ever saved a seemingly dead relationship was when I witnessed him really trying to make things work - it made quite the impression on me.
If you can't seem to find your own words research youtube videos on autism and relationships - find one that states something similar to how you feel. It can help her to understand you better and maybe give her a new perspective on the relationship. She may realize it is worth saving. I've seen others suggest writing a letter because we express ourselves better on paper than we do verbally.

She's not looking for another partner. That's kind of why she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

And I don't want to cut ties. I want to be able to see her without it being exhausting like it is with every other person in the world.

I dated someone for a couple of years and split up in 2002, because he decided he was gay. That was 18 years ago and we are still best friends. So yes, it can happen. I don't think it would have been any different if he wasn't gay. I would have been able to set aside any physical chemistry and be his friend, regardless.

It’s all white lies.

Tell her, yeah right; then block her everywhere.

What about her makes it not exhausting to be around her? She's still the same person she was before you two broke up, right? And you enjoy being around her and talking to her?

It's understandable to be worried about your general relationship with her changing, but if you also want to stay friends with her it's important to remember that just because she's not your girlfriend anymore doesn't mean your entire view of her as a person has to change. She doesn't have to immediately become a stranger to you, nor is she one.

It sounds like she genuinely does want to stay friends with you, especially since she got upset by the fact you mentioned that your overall view of her could change so easily. Sometimes people simply can't handle a relationship, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy the company of the other person anymore and don't value the friendship they have. It's quite fine if you can't handle keeping up a friendship with her anymore, not everyone wants to do that nor can handle doing so, but immediately cutting contact doesn't have to be the default whenever you break up with someone, despite what other people are saying. People have healthy friendships with their exes all the time as long as that's actually what they both want.

If you do decide to stay friends with her I'd consider making it clear that the both of you should at least take some time apart to think it over. No matter how ready she is to break up she's going to need time to process and so are you. Not being partners anymore is going to feel different, and you both need to prepare for that. You should also continue to be honest about your feelings regarding this, even if it may upset her. Try to explain to her that you don't have any ill feelings towards her and why exactly you feel that she might become an "unsafe" person to be around. That it's not personal to her, and it's just the experience you've had with friends and that it'd be hard to adjust to just being friends, especially if you weren't so before you started dating.