Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Nt wife married to Aspergers husband

Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Septdee
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 23 Jun 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 3
Location: Northern ky

23 Jun 2020, 5:31 pm

Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Jun 2020, 5:40 pm

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.
First of all, if he is not diagnosed -- officially diagnosed, that is -- then you cannot honestly claim that he has Asperger's Syndrome.

Second, only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can render such a diagnosis.

Third, you need to make it clear whether you are asking for advice on the changes you need to make or the changes you want him to make (or maybe both).

Finally, if you are so certain that he has Asperger's Syndrome now, then were you as certain before you married him?

You are not the first wife to log in to ask for advice on dealing with her "Aspie Husband" when none of us here can be certain that he has any kind of Autism Spectrum Disorder -- after all, we have only your side of the story.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

23 Jun 2020, 5:44 pm

My wife is still befuddled about me—and we’ve been married almost 25 years.



CarlM
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2019
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 848
Location: Long Island, NY

23 Jun 2020, 5:48 pm

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.

Why do you say he is an aspie? I'm am aspie husband and my wife is not. I am self-diagnosed. Please provide some details.


_________________
ND: 123/200, NT: 93/200, Aspie/NT results, AQ: 34
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fight Climate Change Now - Think Globally, Act locally.


Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,635
Location: Australia

23 Jun 2020, 7:23 pm

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.


Run fast,
Run far... 8O :mrgreen:

One of the things I would focus on is for her/you to BE DIRECT,
And don't expect him to be a "Mind Reader". 8)

Yeah,
Good point, guys.
A diagnosis from a professional would be a great start.
And, does *he* think he is an undiagnosed autistic?



Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,635
Location: Australia

23 Jun 2020, 7:31 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
My wife is still befuddled about me—and we’ve been married almost 25 years.


We *all* are, mate,
We all are. :mrgreen:



Magna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,932

23 Jun 2020, 8:47 pm

Fnord wrote:
Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.
First of all, if he is not diagnosed -- officially diagnosed, that is -- then you cannot honestly claim that he has Asperger's Syndrome.

Second, only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can render such a diagnosis.

Third, you need to make it clear whether you are asking for advice on the changes you need to make or the changes you want him to make (or maybe both).

Finally, if you are so certain that he has Asperger's Syndrome now, then were you as certain before you married him?

You are not the first wife to log in to ask for advice on dealing with her "Aspie Husband" when none of us here can be certain that he has any kind of Autism Spectrum Disorder -- after all, we have only your side of the story.


Is there a full moon tonight? Solar flares? Magna agrees fully with what Fnord has written here.



Steve1963
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jun 2020
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,012
Location: western MA, USA

24 Jun 2020, 5:02 am

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.

I'd need to know more about where he possibly is on the spectrum. but as the aspie husband to an NT wife, I'd say the most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open. My wife and I generally resort to email as I have difficulties speaking face to face, even after 20 years together. But I try to check in at least once or twice a day to see where she's at and let her know where I'm at.

Over the years she's had to change her expectations -- like she knows I'm not going to go out and socialize much, so she's learned that has to do things like that on her own.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,372
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

24 Jun 2020, 7:53 am

Magna wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.
First of all, if he is not diagnosed -- officially diagnosed, that is -- then you cannot honestly claim that he has Asperger's Syndrome.

Second, only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can render such a diagnosis.

Third, you need to make it clear whether you are asking for advice on the changes you need to make or the changes you want him to make (or maybe both).

Finally, if you are so certain that he has Asperger's Syndrome now, then were you as certain before you married him?

You are not the first wife to log in to ask for advice on dealing with her "Aspie Husband" when none of us here can be certain that he has any kind of Autism Spectrum Disorder -- after all, we have only your side of the story.


Is there a full moon tonight? Solar flares? Magna agrees fully with what Fnord has written here.


There's a formation of a new black hole.



blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 71
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,234

24 Jun 2020, 8:07 am

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.


I see this is your first post, so, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

There are some NT women who have had relationships with an aspie man. At least one. Give this thread a while to let everyone see it. We are in many different time zones.

I would suggest you post more information and put it in the Haven, where people who respond will be more supportive of your situation.

I have been with my husband for about 14 years. I have no idea why he puts up with me. I can tell you from my perspective, he gives me lots of space to be alone and/or pursue my special interests. He has a lot of emotional resiliency and doesn't take my moods seriously. He also has a great sense of humor in regards to the things I don't do well.


_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain - Gordon Lightfoot


Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,635
Location: Australia

24 Jun 2020, 9:24 am

blazingstar wrote:
Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.


I see this is your first post, so, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

There are some NT women who have had relationships with an aspie man. At least one. Give this thread a while to let everyone see it. We are in many different time zones.

I would suggest you post more information and put it in the Haven, where people who respond will be more supportive of your situation.

I have been with my husband for about 14 years. I have no idea why he puts up with me. I can tell you from my perspective, he gives me lots of space to be alone and/or pursue my special interests. He has a lot of emotional resiliency and doesn't take my moods seriously. He also has a great sense of humor in regards to the things I don't do well.


That was unnecessary.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

24 Jun 2020, 9:49 am

Pepe wrote:
That was unnecessary.
Ahh ... let it ride.  If by "support", she means "sympathy", then she's right.  The Haven is reserved for people seeking sympathy, and not necessarily any practical advice.

But if a person is seeking practical advice here, that's exactly what they are going to get, whether they like it or not.



Teach51
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,808
Location: Where angels do not fear to tread.

24 Jun 2020, 10:00 am

Septdee wrote:
Nt wife needs tips on dealing with non diagnosed Asperger's husband.


Hi, welcome!
I must agree with Fnord and Magna, it would be impossible to understand the complexities of your relationship based on your subjective perspective alone and lacking a diagnosis. I am NT and have autistic friends, I have learned much by getting to know the people here, asking questions, observing and sharing.

I would suggest that you familiarize yourself with autism if you haven't already done so, I watched Tony Attwoods' YouTube videos and Simon Baron -Cohen, Christian Stewart- Ferrer, they are all psychologists who have a profound understanding of autism, Stewart Ferrer is autistic himself, you could do this together with your loved one, and then seek a caring professional to offer you guidance if your husband also thinks he needs a diagnosis.

I suspect that you require a more extensive consultation together with your partner (if he is willing) than just a few "tips". Have you posted here in the past under a different name? You seem familiar.

I don't think that "asking for tips on dealing with non -diagnosed Aspergers' husband " is worded in a way that portrays the depth of you and your partners' challenges and desire to grow closer and find common ground, to me it is reminiscent of enquiring how to get rid of troublesome acne or remove a stubborn stain from a carpet. :) Forgive me but I found it amusing.


_________________
My best will just have to be good enough.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

24 Jun 2020, 12:06 pm

Septdee:

There’s no way anybody can provide advice to you — unless you provide more detail.

BlazingStar is absolutely right in what she said.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

24 Jun 2020, 12:08 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
... BlazingStar is absolutely right in what she said.
So is everyone else who said the same things.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

24 Jun 2020, 12:12 pm

Yep. That’s right.

But Blazing was taken to task for some reason.