Hello,
I'm not exactly sure what I am trying to ask here, but I just feel the need to say something somewhere where someone might understand and have an idea of what I am going through. Maybe someone has some advice or resources that I might find helpful.
I am in a relationship (and have been for 5 years) with a woman who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have not been diagnosed, but have several of the traits of ASD/Aspergers (I see a therapist weekly, and we have decided that pursuing an actual diagnosis would have little effect on my personal growth if both my partner and I acknowledge my characteristics and our differences). I am having a hard time maintaining this relationship, and my partner is beginning to express that she is starting to feel hopeless in it. We get in huge fights where both of us feel invalidated and she accuses me of lying when my story doesn't match up with her perspective. I admit that I get defensive and can be less than validating, but in an argument, I really do try as hard as I can to be understanding and supportive. She just makes me feel so misunderstood and unheard sometimes. She has told me that my intentions don't matter to her at all, and all that matters is my actions and the words that actually come out of my mouth. She often accuses me of gaslighting her and that I am living apart from reality and trying to dismiss her point of view and force mine upon her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am just trying to be understood and feel validated as well.
In my naievity and due to my challenges with understanding the emotions and thought processes of others, I have said some things that hurt her very deeply in the past. Things that I cannot take back and that she has held against me for years. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, she is very sensitive and I have, unintentionally, fueld her negative views on her body image and damaged her self-esteem. I want to make amends, but I feel trapped in my own patterns and feel like I have a creative block on how to make things better in the way that she wants. Any time I try to change the narrative and say the opposite of the hurtful things I have said before, she says she doesn't believe me and brings up what I have said in the past.
When we argue, I try to be validating, but so often it feels like I have to be dishonest to my own viewpoint or emotions to do so.
It feels like we are on complete polar opposite sides of a scale and cannot compromise. She says I need to meet her halfway, and I really try to do that most of the time, but as an aspy, I have a hard time understanding the depth and scale of her emotions, which impact her even more deeply than they would if she were neurotypical. I have read books on NT/ASD relationships and on NT/BPD relationships, but I have yet to find any resources that describe couples who neither of whom are neurotypical, let alone couples whose issues seem to be polar opposites.
From what I have read, the NT partner in a relationship ends up doing most of the work to understand the neurodiverse partner. As someione with ASD, I find it very VERY difficult to change my behavioral and emotional patterns. I want this relationship to work, but I'm worried that I won't be able to move as far toward center as possible to meet her halfway.
I'm just struggling here, and I am not sure where to go for help. I really do love her and want to change, but how can I show her that and help her understand that I am never trying to hurt her, and that I just see things differently, without causing another fight and being accused of gaslighting?
Is there anyone that has a successful relationship between someone on the spectrum and someone with a personality disorder? How do you make it work?
-Lobster
30 Aug 2020, 3:24 pm
