The line "he had his chance and blew it"

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Due to my Asperger I have very difficult time to get women to talk to me, much less take any interest in me. But there were some situations when I was lucky. After all, I message lots and lots of women on the dating sites, so even if 99% of them don't respond, eventually someone does, and even if 90% of those that respond stop talking to me, eventually someone takes interest. Now, you would think that, once the woman took interest, I would grab this chance with both hands. Well, I think that way too, thats why I don't understand why I didn't do it. I guess I was having a bad day, or took those women for granted or some combination of the two. But I still think its ridiculous that I did whatever it is I did -- particularly since those rare women gave me multiple chances! So then -- after they rejected me -- I told them "look it could have worked perfectly if only I wasn't so stupid, so can I have another chance". But they stand firmly on the no. They would just tell me "we didn't mean to be". Well, how is it we didn't mean to be if they were acting so perfectly and it was just me who wasn't?

And this brings me to the title of this thread. No, the women never told me that I had my chance and blew it. Thats what *I* used as an argument to try again -- and they were ignoring my point. However, I just read this expression on one of the other threads that I didn't want to derail (hence I started my own thread) and now I am thinking "but what if they are saying it to their friends when they are describing what happened". Well, if they are saying it to their friends, that makes me feel like "hey, even they know I had my chance, so why don't they realize how perfect I would be in the hindsight".

You see, if I was "truly" incapable of making it work with that particular woman, then yes she can move on, since she might not want to undertake a "project" of "teaching" me whatever it is I am incapable of (as much as I wish she did). But if I was perfectly capable of making it work but -- as the expression goes -- "I had my chance and blew it" -- well, in this case I know I will be perfect if given a second chance, since my hindsight will make me avoid the mistake that I made. So I don't get why women don't seem to get it.

First impressions last forever.
There are no second chances.

First impressions are important.

It's not true that there are no "second chances," though.

There are men, say, who make a bad first impression upon a woman. But then, ultimately, the woman gets to know the man better, so she starts liking him.

She might even marry him.

I'm an NT woman popping in to the Forum for some input around a now-ended 2-year dating relationship with an Aspie guy. I've had many successful relationships in my life, and I think I can enlighten you here.

Here it is: Especially for NT people, relationships involve emotional investment. It's not as simple as making the right moves, saying and doing the right things, and *voila* -- you have a successful relationship.

When someone dates you, they place your trust in you. Not just trust in the truth/lie sense. Trust that you will not hurt them. They expect you to see (and even anticipate) their needs, protect their feelings, and be considerate. They invest their emotions in you, and they expect the same back. And -- with all due respect to those on this board and elsewhere -- this is precisely the areas where Aspies tend to struggle when in connections with others. At least that's my understanding.

So if you "had a shot" with someone and it ended, and you are not being allowed a second chance to get it right (even despite whatever learning or fine-tuning you've done), it's because there was some *emotional* damage suffered by the other person, that now makes it wholly impossible for them to try again with you. Without that sense of emotional safety and trust, there can be no relationship.

In the scenarios you describe, perhaps you seemed interested at first, and they got their hopes up, and then you went quiet on them. Or didn't pursue them with enough enthusiasm. This is hurtful, because it betrays the unspoken "agreement" that two people who are interested in each other will act accordingly, with no games.

In a full-fledged relationship, it can happen if there is a breach of trust. Or hurt feelings. Or some unintended insult. A series of disappointments. This kind of irreparable damage is felt very deeply by most people, and it completely jettisons any ability or desire for them to try with you again.

That's emotional abuse.....

Apparently, she doesn't "know better," since she only uses that argument to score brownie points in her disputes with him.

Yeah...that's "real life"---but "real life" could be countered, could be disproven.

Can't husbands, or wives of women, think or say "I should have known better"?

I think many people change in the course of relationships and this is a common feeling for one or both spouses.

Yeah....I hear that all the time from my wife.

Doesn't mean she means it....she's just upset at me at the moment.

People often say things they don't mean in the "heat of battle." And for various reasons---one of which is to gain the advantage in an argument.

Not everyone resorts to verbal attacks in marital disagreements.

I married someone who didn't make a stellar first impression. I've never used that against him later. We rarely disagree, and if we do, there's no "brownie points" about it; just trying to figure out a solution that helps us move forward together (or, most often, just letting the other person have their space until they feel better because we recognize it's a matter of big internal emotions rather than an external conflict to solve). We've been married more than 7 years and less than 10.

Peaceful marriages do exist, they're just not the ones on display!

There are two things in life that reveal a person's real self: Rage and Alcohol.

Mix the two together, throw in a loaded firearm, and you'll find out what someone really thinks of you!

Indeed, peaceful marriages do exist.

Not everybody is a Machiavellian.