Is it possible to not be cut out for dating?

Post Reply New Topic

I have been trying to figure out for months what is it about me that turns women off. I think it’s because of my Aspergers. My mother and I had a talk a few weeks ago. She thinks I’m not cut out for relationships because I lack the social skills. I wish that I had told her maybe I can learn. I’m just getting lonely. I long for female companionship. What is wrong with me? Thoughts anyone?

That was a really harsh thing for your mom to say. Just because those of us on the spectrum struggle with social interactions, doesn't mean that we can't learn. The biggest struggle is navigating how friendships are started. If you can become friends with someone, then you are capable of having a romantic relationship with someone.

A lot of people get caught up on attracting a mate, but it's more about finding someone you're compatible with and knowing how to interact with them. Obviously this isn't easy, but I guess what I'm saying is, don't let it intimidate you just because it's a different type of relationship.

If you can give examples of times when you've pursued a relationship with someone and it didn't work out, perhaps we can help determine what went wrong?

First one, I know what I did wrong. Already learned. Second one she ran away from me when I tried to talk to her (we’re Facebook friends now). Third girl was talking about her experimenting, asked if I wanted to see her underwear, she wanted to get pregnant so she could get food stamps and not have to work. Broke up with her. Fourth one parents were hippies to the hill, tried to get me into the peace Core when I didn’t want to. She was still living at home, no job (parents maid), dad wanted her to be a housewife. She broke up with me.
Fifth one was not motivated at all, wanted to be a nanny, was in bankruptcy, was at blind father, Leah ally blind and demented mother’s beck and call. She also weighed 300 pounds. No real job.
Sixth one, my recent ex. Did a lot for her. She never let me see her place, had eight cats, was working three jobs. She seemed distant near the second year of our courtship. She still owes me 500.00 to this day.

Does this help?

Well.. same here.. women would talk to me and flirt with me, but I was at a loss as to how to connect with them and reply.. I would say weird things when I was at a loss.. also it was so much pretending to be normal and guessing what normal people did to socialize and what to do on dates and afterward.. women saw that I was strange, felt disconnected from me, were turned off, and lost interest.. I think I can do simple initial normal stuff with women, but then I stop being connected, lose understanding, get tired, etc.. I think the bottom line is that NT men are so much more advanced than us aspie guys.. and there is a lot that we cannot do with people that women expect.. there is just so much.. a lot of it is just emotion and being macho for example.. or just seeing what the woman is saying and understanding it.. women see us as strange, not understanding, acting out of place because we don't see the situation in front of us, they also feel turned off, feel that they lost by being with a low value partner, feel like they are mature and we are childish and so it is not interesting for them to be on someone at a lower developmental level.. and with us, the women feel a longing for male companionship due to us not being to be proper male companions!

All those women sound like trailer park trash or white trash people, sorry, and probably had a mental disability themselves.. it's good though you have some experience under your belt!

I think the real reason is just, these women just don’t understand us. There’s more to us than meets the eye.

Yes, that helps thanks! It seems like you've been successful with beginning relationships, so that's good. I think you just need to start working towards finding someone with less baggage. Of course, we all have baggage, but for a successful relationship you'll need to figure out what kinds of baggage will hinder the relationship. That said, a potential partner having issues doesn't mean you need to completely rule them out. The most important thing is that you're both willing to put an equal amount of effort into it.

If you're going after just NT women then they may not understand you. Some are good at understanding if you can explain yourself to them and they make an effort to understand ASD and how it affects you. If you date ASD women there'll have a better idea of getting you. But of course we're all very different, so it takes getting to know each aspie on a personal level.

it reminds me, many self-improvement coaches say, its sad, too bad and unfortuneate that social-skills are not taught in school or at home, social dynamics, human interaction ability, conversation ability, etc. Never truer words have been said or spoken.

Women don’t even look at me. Besides they don’t even give me the time of day.

Look for an aspie partner.
But she needs to be enlightened in what it means to be on the spectrum.

That is my default advice.

I'm NT and it sounds like you were doing a hell of let better than me with girls

Never had a girl ask me to look at her nickers and get her pregnant.

A bit of logical inconsistency here, with that statement.
You were in 6 relationships.
That is more than many aspies have, including myself.

And keep on walking, mister.
I'm not going to lose my girlish figure for any man.

You've had more relationships than I have. Tbh all my relationships have ended badly but most people I know have more 'failed' relationships than successful ones, NTs included. People like my auntie & uncle who marry their soul mate first time round are very rare & very lucky.

I think dating is a bit like riding a bike without stabilisers. You have to try friendship first. How many friends do you have? Including female friends?

Then go after someone who has similar hobbies to you, maybe someone you're already friends with or a 'friend of a friend'. Possibly someone on the spectrum, possibly an NT who's quirky/shy/whatever your 'aspie' personality traits are. NTs like that do exist.

Looks/sexual chemistry should be part of it of course, but they shouldn't be all of it. Don't form a relationship with someone you wouldn't want to be friends with. That's where I've made mistakes, going for guys who are good in bed but who have nothing in common with me on an emotional/ethics level.