I need relationship advice from a ND perspective

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Hi everyone... I am ashamed to even post this.... b/c it is embarrassing for me but I will forget about that and hope for guidance

I'll try to make it short:
I met my current bf less than 2 years ago. We met on a mental health chat site. (Plz don't judge)
We chatted for a few months. There were other people in the group.
I always had a crush on him.
Then I found out he began dating another girl from the site. Apparently she was a narcissist and manipulated him and gaslit him constantly and such. Apparently he was in a tough place when she went up to him.

I reached out to him while they were in their chaotic mess and she was being mean to him and he was able to pull away from her.

Later on, we admitted our feelings for each other and started dating.

However, I still get deeply hurt that they had such an intense moment and he was likely infatuated with her and god knows what else he felt.
She is a good actor/manipulator. Whenever someone says they do something in the chatroom, she will say she does it too and that she is the best at it. She studied everyone in the chatroom. Before I even found out about them, she studied me and stole my personality and entire life story and blew it up. Apparently she went to Harvard, got into a top graduate school, bunch of other things.

He says what he feels for me is so much more than anything he's ever felt and what he had with her was nothing.

It's been so long and I still get so hurt.

I am not looking for another relationship or anything, I am just so exhausted and tired of feeling like I am not good enough.

I don't know, that's it. I don't expect anyone to understand. I lost like 15 friends over this relationship.

Thanks for listening

Oh, and it doesn't help that she is absolutely stunning.

A woman can be stunning.....yet still have bad breath

Seriously....try to do yourself a favor, and look at your situation objectively. You are the one he digs.

Thanks

My mind always goes, "But he dug her during that time.... if she wasn't so messed up, they would have just stayed together..."

How long have you been together? Is this other girl still part of your social sphere?

You're going to have to find a way to get past those feelings. I got stuck in a similar rut (different situation) at the beginning of my relationship with my now wife.




Unless we don't have the whole story, it sounds like you are good enough as he has said so.

We've been together for like a year and a half.
It hurts because she attacked both him and me and virtually everyone else she could in the chatroom. That's all she does is hurt people and take advantage of them.

I still go on the chat site because it helps my mental health. She does not go on there anymore but sometimes the people she made friendships with (which all ultimately failed, I am not surprised) pop up in there.

Yes, he thinks the world of me but I cannot believe him because he was involved with her first.
I should not have shared anything about myself in the chatroom even though it's supposed to be a support and safe zone.
I shared that I am interested in neuroscience and medicine.
Then all of a sudden, she is telling everyone she got into Duke Medical School, failed, and is now doing a Masters in Neuroanatomy/A.I./neural networks/bioengineering. It is soul crushing to have my dreams stomped on like that. She knows what she is doing. It is hard to tell lies from reality. He claims she is way too dumb (his words) to go to any prestigious school. He talked with her much more than I did.

Last edited by love2connect on 19 Sep 2020, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He had to be involved with someone before he was involved with you.

Now you two are an item. It’s the present, not the past.

He broke up with her for an excellent reason, it seems to me.

Thank you.
I know, I try to think about the timing. But the whole time we were chatting and getting to know each other, I tried to send so many signs that I thought he was amazing. Then all of a sudden, I find out they have been dating. It hurts.

So you met your boyfriend two years ago. Around 1.5 years ago you started dating...so they were dating for just a couple of months? Did they ever actually meet up in person? I assume you and your boyfriend are physically together now?

No... these are both long distance. He has been saving up to come here.

My mistake for assuming. How long were they dating? Were they video chatting? Are you video chatting?

Her friend said they were dating for couple of months. He said it was around a month. Dunno who to believe.
They have not video chatted.
We have not done that yet, as I am shy... we have talked on the phone though.

Semantics, don't fixate on it. They may have had different thresholds for 'dating' status. Either way, the length of your relationship dwarfs their brief relationship.



Than for all you know she was a 'catfish' and she isn't actually 'absolutely stunning'. If she's a manipulative narcissist than it isn't much of a leap that she had a fake picture to draw guys in (not the only reason people have fake pictures)



I think doing so will help you get over your lingering feelings about her. Going above and beyond anything they ever did could help you get past it. I think it could help.

I know her instagram and she posts very obviously original photos. Lots of stuff on her dog, her apartment, her face, etc.
She does not have many followers at all but they are always random men from like North Africa or random dog pages. No one she knows personally. Probably because she has a double life..feeding off people and creating a mess on the internet and acting normal with her family.

Yeah, that is a great idea actually. Thank you. Maybe that will help. Maybe not.

Your welcome. I really hope it helps.

I too met my wife on the internet (HERE) so no judgement.

I pray it helps. Thank you very much. This is TMI but every time I am near my menstruation period, these feelings hit me and I cannot escape them. I struggle with the feelings all the time but they get stronger and stronger near these times.

I'm so happy to hear it has worked out for you and your wife.
Bless.

Thank you for listening and helping.