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JMS1975
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07 Oct 2020, 3:08 pm

Hi
I’m new here and new to the likely diagnosis HFASD for my husband.
It makes so so much sense... but now I struggle with grief and acceptance... I know it’s typical to go thru a process but I guess I want to hear about successful marriages... it’s been hard the past years and now knowing why doesn’t make it easier, it makes me feel more alone.
Maybe this isn’t the right place to post- apologies if so- but I don’t know where to turn...
thanks



Fnord
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07 Oct 2020, 3:09 pm

<-- My wife and I have been married for over a quarter-century.


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AuroraBorealisGazer
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07 Oct 2020, 3:42 pm

What's the cause of your grief?

I would say my marriage is successful.



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07 Oct 2020, 3:55 pm

My bride and I are newbies compared to Fnord and his bride. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in February.

When I was diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild)--known as Aspergers Syndrome in the rest of the world--it didn't change my quirks, it just gave some of them pedigrees. Well, there is possibly one new quirk. If one of my old quirks becomes relevant to what is going on I am likely to observe "I have a doctor's note for that!" This amuses me more than it amuses her.

It is common wisdom that if you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie; we are all different, just like all of you NTs. With that caveat, I hope you have searched the Internet for things like the following--which may or may not be applicable to your Aspie:

  • https://couplestherapyinc.com/aspergers-and-love/

  • https://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/tips-being-relationship-man-who-has-aspergers-or-autism

  • https://psychcentral.com/lib/romance-love-and-asperger-syndrome/

And I like to remember the observation one spouse-of-an-Aspie made: I have been making adjustments for him but I realized he was making adjustments for me, too!

I hope things work out wonderfully for the two of you.


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JMS1975
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07 Oct 2020, 5:25 pm

Thank you all so much- I think it’s the intangible emotional connection that I am grieving. I always thought it was med related (dexadrine)
But very wise words from you all. It’s very a-ha like these past couple of weeks and then some oh so this won’t improve moments... but yes, he likely makes a lot of adjustments for me.
I just know that having our 4 yr old has added so much stress and I worry how it will affect our son- the stress not the dx
Our son is constantly changing and so unpredictable that it creates extra stress for me to reassure son it’s normal to be 4 and bouncy/loud/etc and calming reassuring husband that I will get him under control, or just leaving house with son so it’s quiet



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07 Oct 2020, 5:31 pm

We have no children so I have to hope that some successful aspie or aspie-spouse picks it up from here.

I generally enjoy being an uncle, even when they are young, but I have the advantage of not having prolonged contact. I enjoy engaging their minds but not their energy.

When your son gets a few years older:

You: Do you have a hole in your shoe?!
Son: NO!
You: Then how did you get your foot in??


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that1weirdgrrrl
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07 Oct 2020, 6:38 pm

Not married, but on the topic of household noise overload, some of us use varying degrees of earplugs or earmuffs (like the kind for gun ranges) to help control noise overload (like from a boisterous child).

You may mention this idea to husband.

Probably not something rated 30dB (unless he has super sensitive hearing) but you can get earplugs rated as low as 10dB to just take the edge off the noise and he should still be able to hear enough to have a conversation or hear if you call for him.

I hope you guys work through everything to a happy solution for your whole family :heart:



jimmy m
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07 Oct 2020, 10:07 pm

I am an Aspie and my wife is not. We have been married for over 46 years. We raised two children and we now have 5 grandchildren. Most people have positive and negative traits. An Aspie tends to have both positive and negative traits also but they are more extreme.

Some of the positive traits are:
* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends. * Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.


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idntonkw
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08 Oct 2020, 12:50 am

JMS1975 wrote:
Hi
I’m new here and new to the likely diagnosis HFASD for my husband.
It makes so so much sense... but now I struggle with grief and acceptance... I know it’s typical to go thru a process but I guess I want to hear about successful marriages... it’s been hard the past years and now knowing why doesn’t make it easier, it makes me feel more alone.
Maybe this isn’t the right place to post- apologies if so- but I don’t know where to turn...
thanks


so my dad is in a second marriage to a woman for whom it is also a second marriage.. he is very handy around the house, and 'helping' is her love language and also she used to get stressed out about fixing things, so she finds him useful, she also arranges trips to a cafe or nature walks once a week and she initiates hand holding or physical affection.. he also puts effort into it by reading self help books and he is generally a nice subservient and positive person naturally



Last edited by Feyokien on 08 Oct 2020, 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.: inappropriate content

honeytoast
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08 Oct 2020, 1:15 am

All around me, former classmates are getting married and having children while I am on my laptop playing simulation games lol


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Catlover5
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08 Oct 2020, 7:50 am

I'm not sure if I'll ever even begin dating. Right now we're not even supposed to be near strangers. I might as well marry my iPad :lol:


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Double Retired
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08 Oct 2020, 9:30 am

Well...autism makes some people unhappy.

Romance is difficult. I did not marry until I was 45 and only a cluster of unlikeliness found me that happiness. JMS1975's is married so it appears he has been more successful in marriage than I.

Marriage is difficult "interesting". (My bride is lurking out there somewhere on WP so I should be careful! :D ) From what I've heard, marriage is generally interesting, with or without neurodiversity, for most couples. I am mildly autistic and my bride is not so mildly ADHD (I got permission to say that! 8)) so that means we might encounter different "interesting" things than a purely NT couple--but that NT couple is still likely to...um...disagree at times, or occasionally tell a friend "You won't believe what they did!".

You learn about each other and learn how to be happy together. Over the years I think my bride has learned how much I need routine, dislike change, and sometimes need to "introvert". I've learned the value of reminding her what she should be doing instead of chasing a distraction. But we've also learned *I* collect and organize the tax data (if you can get an Aspie for that, I recommend it) and she shares and collects family news for me.


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AspiePrincess611
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08 Oct 2020, 10:03 am

I'm divorced :( But my aunt and uncle have been married over 30 years and my uncle has high-functioning ASD, like me. Although we have the core aspie traits in common, our personalities are somewhat different.


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Tim_Tex
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08 Oct 2020, 2:49 pm

honeytoast wrote:
All around me, former classmates are getting married and having children while I am on my laptop playing simulation games lol


Many of my former classmates are grandparents, but I‘ve only had two relationships.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Oct 2020, 3:08 pm

I've been married 25 years. No kids. No prospect of a kid.

I'm a great uncle many times over on my wife's side of the family-----perhaps even a great-great uncle a few times over----but I will never be a grandpa. My wife is the "grandmother" of one, who was born from a surrogate mother.

On my side, I am an uncle to two adults who haven't had kids yet, nor have gotten married.



that1weirdgrrrl
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08 Oct 2020, 8:47 pm

honeytoast wrote:
All around me, former classmates are getting married and having children while I am on my laptop playing simulation games lol


Off Topic

What sims do you like to play?

I play a few animal sims..... I was just wondering :lol:

End Off Topic

OP, I hope you are able to glean some insights from these forums, and just overlook the info that isn't helpful (some ASD folk can be a bit pessimistic due to life not going the way they had hoped).