Advice Needed

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I am dating a girl right now who has a tough time expressing her emotions to me. When ever we argue I would try to fix the problem , but she doesn't want to talk about it. In days when she is down I try and talk to her, ask her what's wrong, but she always says she doesn't want to talk about. I'm thinking she doesn't trust easily and doesn't trust me yet. I showed countless times that she comes first and that I am there for here. I don't know what to do anymore. If I should break up with her or what?

When you "argue," are you generally able to resolve the issues? What kinds of arguments do you have, on what kinds of issues?

"In days when she is down" -- what general kind of thing does she seem to be down about? Anything having to do with you, or something else?

If it's something else, I would say: don't pressure her to talk about it. Just let her know you're ready to listen if and when she ever wants to talk about it.

If it does have to do with her relationship with you, then perhaps (if you have not done so already), you might try telling her that you need her to be more assertive with you, because otherwise there's no way to resolve the issues between you and her. It might also be a good idea to refer her to some good online tutorial material on how to be assertive without being aggressive, such as this podcast and transcript.

Does putting pressure on anyone ever work?
Does it ever make things better?
Give her space.

And yeah, what do you argue about?

We do not generally resolve the issues. We usually argue after she starts it, which usually is her mad at me for doing something she doesn't like. But the thing is that she won't tell me beforehand that she doesn't like it. For example: I invited her over while I was hanging with friends. It was fine for the first couple of hours, but then when we were away from the group she started yelling at me sing "You know I don't like your friends..... I don't like so many people around". I listen we ever she talks but she has never said any of this to me before. When she is down she is usually thinking. Usually in her own world. I try to comfort her, but without her feedback I don't know if she is okay (obviously not) and how I can help.

Little things usually what she doesn't like, but she doesn't tall me before hand.

Obviously, she and you need better communication. I would suggest that you look around on the web for suitable tutorials on communication within relationships, in addition to the tutorial I suggested earlier about how to be assertive without being aggressive.

Ok i will.

P.S.: Ir might be a good idea to present this to her as something you both need to work on, rather than as something just she needs to work on. If you present it as just her problem, she is more likely to get defensive and refuse.

I will try.

Are you or your girl on the spectrum Vamp Sometimes people with autism have a hard time understanding & processing feelings(there is a term for this that I think starts with an A but I'm not sure). Sometimes we may not know that something really bothers us till we are being bothered by it & then we react badly due to the stress of us being bothered. If your girl is on the spectrum, perhaps she does not realize there is a problem or what exactly that problem is until she has a meltdown over it. Also us Aspies tend to have a bad history of misunderstandings with others & getting mistreated by others which can make it hard for us to open up with others. We learn to keep things to ourselves because others don't care or don't understand & we may even get put down for it. Basically we have trust issues.

However sometimes NTs act like that with Aspies as well. From what I've read on this forum, that behavior seems to be more common for NT women to act like that with Aspie guys than the other way around but I could be wrong. NTs & maybe moreso NT women than NT guys, have a hard time being direct & straightforward in the way us Aspies need. NTs express their emotions more subtly sometimes than just saying it as it is. They'll use things like body language, facial expression, tone of voice, & their behavior to express their emotions which us Aspies have a majorly hard time noticing & comprehending.

Like others have said Vamp, you & your girl could use to learn better communication skills. If it is the latter case where you are on the spectrum & your girl is NT, you could encourage your girl to read up on autism. However if she is unwilling or unable to to adapt to your style of communication some & continues to expect you to pick up on her social ques & then blows up at you when you fail, this may be a case where you two are incompatible. If this is the former case where she is on the spectrum, it may help to try & make her feel safe where she will hopefully want to trust you more with things. It may also help if you can both learn what things upset her. Try & detect pasterns with her behavior. Like for example if she always becomes withdrawn & upset after you two spend time together with your family, you could deduce that being social with them stresses her out or is draining for her. Basically the two of you play detective with her behavior.

A side note if you are on the spectrum, us Aspies tend to want to fix others problems. But others & maybe moreso NT women, sometimes want & need others to listen more than getting the problem solved. Sometimes problems are not solvable or are only problems some of the time but fine other times. Like things may mostly only be problems when the person is already in a bad mood but the person would be OK with them & maybe even like those things if they were in a better mood. Complaining about things can help others blow off steam & get things out of their system. Sometimes the best way you can help someone is just by being there to listen. I need to remind myself of this a lot cuz I want to solve problems or offer advice but my girlfriend needs me to mostly listen sometimes. My girlfriend has bad depression & other various mental stuff including possibly being on the spectrum as well. I know it can be rough to watch someone you love being withdrawn & down about things & you feeling like your screwing things up when you try to help. Very Luckily my girlfriend doesn't hate me for failing, she loves me cuz I try. If your girl is down a lot, it might be helpful to try & figure out if it's due to a life or family stuff or if she has some kind of mental thing like depression or anxiety. If it is due to a mental thing perhaps treatment may help weather that is counseling or psych meds. I would try other things before pushing her to get mental help on her own. Couples counseling might could be a good start for both of you to learn better communication.

Well, you know that now.
Don't do it again.
Next!

If she doesn't tell you, you will have to learn the hard way.
When you encounter another one of her sensitivities, I hope she tells you what it is.
If not, you will have to work it out yourself.

Relationships are "works in progress".
I have known a very good friend for months now, yet I am still learning about the person, and the person is still learning about me.
It just takes time.

Does she know you are on the spectrum?
Or is *she* the one who is on the spectrum?

I have never been tested to see if I was on the spectrum. I do not know about her either. I met her while she was in a dark place. She still kinda is, but she is doing better. She has a few mental issues. She should be taking meds for them and going to therapy, but I don't know if she is. She doesn't like to express emotion , idk. We should talk more often , but parents are homophobic. Imma wait till I move out and get situated. If we still together , i'll see if she wants to attend conseling. If not I'll try to work things out with her. I don't wanna lose her.

I think it is fantastic that you care about her so much.
Be there for her.

Wait so both of you might be NTs and you are posting this on an autism thread! dude!

I am not NT.