I feel I made a mistake breaking up with my ex.

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I broke up with her four years ago, and I know it's a long time but she recently got married and it hit me really hard. We were having problems so I decided to end it but it was very hard for me, since we almost got married ourselves. I posted about it on here way back then, and in this thread:

viewtopic.php?t=332263

I guess I just feel I made a terrible mistake. I know I can't rectify it now, but just wondering if I made a bad mistake, and cheated myself. What do you think? But thanks for any honest advice and input. I really appreciate it.

Sometimes I feel the same with a lovely lady that I used to go out with who has since married another man.
We never stop loving our previous girlfriends even if things did not turn out well. It is part of being a man.
Now is the time to look forward to your next girlfriend to come.

Sorry to hear your circumstances. We do have to live with the decisions we make, although life can turn around with all sorts of unexpected outcomes that you can't predict.

Let me reply with a personal experience...In my younger years, i fell deeply in love with my neighbor...Well, he fell for me first...We were both young, and failed each other...For a very long time, i mourned the loss of said lost love and all related dreams--growing-up together, getting married, having children together, etc...

I could not understand why i could not overcome said loss...Then, one day (appx. two decades after), it occured to me that, the teenager that lives within me will always love him...And so will the twenty-some that still lives within me...Because he was such an important part of my life back in those years...

Please don't misinterpret me, for all along, i was busy creating my own happiness without him...And overtime, my heart healed completely...So much so, that i was capable of falling in love again...Now, i pray everyday for the success of my marriage ...

By the way, it is not time that heals; but what we do with our time...In my case, i tried to surround myself with wonderful people, enjoying wonderful activities together...(Extroverted NT, here)...To date, when i hear news about my first love, i am happy for his happiness and sad for his sadness...And i know with all certainty that he feels the same about me...

The good news being that our Creator, created our heart with the ability to heal completely...I am now deeply in love with my beloved (Aspie) husband...And i cannot imagine myself with anyone else...Now, i am grateful to God for the failure of past attempts to love...So, be assured, my dear friend that there is someone for whom you are perfect...

Wow!

Time tends to distort our perception. When you broke up with her, all of the reasons were fresh in your mind. Now you've had four years to tumble, and even lose some, of those memories and so they've lost their edges. Like rocks that have been tumbled around in a steam and become smooth-round pebbles. Now that you've been told she's married, you're recalling all of the good memories. I believe it's a concept referred to as 'looking at things through rose colored glasses.'

If you haven't already done so, I suggest reading your old posts about your troubles with her. I briefly looked at them and could see why you broke up.

My theory is that if you had someone else to hope for a future with, you probably wouldn't be experiencing these feelings of regret. That would be a sign that this is a result of your own desires for companionship, instead of for her only.

Yeah that's true. Good points, thanks. At the same time I am jealous, I am kind of worried about her, since she seemed to marry man only after a year or less of dating from what I found out and then moved to Lebanon with him, which seems kind of rash, unless maybe it's just me. I just think it's kind of weird, and I'm concerned. Or maybe it's normal after a year of dating, if you are in love...

But her Dad was in poor health and she was always by his side, so it's weird for her to just leave.

Your rite. I still love both my exes even thou I moved on. We lost touch after our breakup & I have no idea what's going on with them. I think I needed em to be completely out of my life in order for me to move on. That said, they are out of my life but I still majorly love them & think about them some. I really hope they are doing well & have great lives but I do NOT want to be part of their lives. As for the moving on thing, I tried to work on myself in various ways since our breakups. I tried to learn from the mistakes I made in our relationships so I can hopefully not screw up my current relationship the way I screwed up my two previous 1s. Getting my current relationship helped me move on from them but I think I would of screwed my current one up if I was still the person I was in my two previous relationships. The person I am now might of been able to make things work with both of my exes but I try not to think about What If too much. I needed both my previous relationships to help me be the person I am now with my current one. I really hope I did not make things worse for either of them in the end but thinking I might of majorly hurt them is something that I can not forgive myself for. I accept that I will always love both of my exes & I try not to avoid a repeat situation with my current girlfriend. That's the best I can do.

... ... ...

You are a good man...You learned from your past mistakes...And you are now trying to avoid these in your present relationship...God will bless your efforts, and your lady will love you and respect you...Keep it up

The reason why I am having second thoughts, is because I found out about a year ago, she married a man she hardly new in person. She flew to Beirut and married him and lives with him now. But I am very concerned about her. She leaves even though she was all worried about her Dad's health problem to go a country, which no offense to Lebanese, is probably not the best place for a foriegner to come and marry into.

So I am really worried now and that's where all these what ifs are coming from now, for me.

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You have good reason to be concerned...However, wherever outcome of her decision, it is HER consequence...Whatever happens to her is no longer your problem...Inasmuch as you care for her, still...

I hear you Iron Pony. I know that feeling.

Although I moan about having never had anyone interested in me there were 2 men in the past 20 years. 1 have no regrets over. The other was a really decent guy, but his Mom hated me. He was also picky about his food and I love food, so that irritated me. I thought I could do better. I was 23, I had my life ahead of me. I never met anyone else. So I regret not giving him a chance. He's been married for a long time now.

But we can't change the past. At least he and I got along well.

As far as I remember you had a very up and down relationship with this woman. You were sad a lot and asked us for support. She seemed to have done something mean (not abusive, but over-the-line) to you at one point as well, but I can't remember what.

You deserve better.

Look at it this way. This poor husband of hers is stuck with her antics and you are free. You have more peace than he will ever have.

Ah I typed my response before reading this.

I understand your concern. But she is in charge of her own decisions. It's not your job to protect her.

Funny story, I was friends with FaceofBoo on facebook and one of my "friends" contacted me because they looked at his profile and lectured me about running off with strange men I had met on Facebook. I was really annoyed with her. A man from a different country isn't neccessarily a threat. She just assumed a foreigner would be scamming me. Showed me her true colours. I don't want racist friends.

Your ex might actually be ok.

If I remember correctly she kept demanding that he'd pay for everything when he went out with her & she required him to pay the bill when he went out to eat with her & her family. She may prefer to live in a country where the women are less likely to be employed & the husbands tend to be the sole breadwinners in the household.

Agrees. It's not our job to protect and parent our partners even when dating them. It's codependent behavior and something you can start working on.

It's part of moving on, remembering the good parts and the wish that it would have worked out, it can bring feelings and theories that may cloud the judgment. But there is a good reason for the breakup. Try to logic it out, you will eventually realize that the reason you regret it doesn't change her issues.

The only way people learn is by making their own choices and learning from the consequences, not by being helped with choices, even by their mothers.

She will not be safe by being taken care of by others. She will be when she learns to be independent and to make better choices. The way we can help them is being there for them when they need us.