Can anyone relate?

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Can anyone relate to this and/or give me advice? I'm 43, and was diagnosed about 6 months ago. I've been married for nearly 14 years, and we've lived together for over 17 years.

Quite simply, despite all that time together my wife thinks I don't care about her.

I'm definitely a more passive type of aspie, and I tend to think that "if I didn't do anything, then I didn't do anything wrong."

That passivity (and borderline asexuality) seems to be a primary source of problems in my marriage, since I can have periods of days of giving my wife very little in the way of attention, let alone intimacy. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't break slipping into this habit, which feels comfortable for me.

I go through cycles in this regard - for example, she noticed that whenever we took a vacation, I would pay attention, hold her hand, go for walks together, have sex, etc., then pretty soon after returning from vacation, I would withdraw - in her words "disappear up [my] own a***."

I am hopelessly addicted to my smartphone, but I think it goes beyond that. An outsider would definitely agree with my wife that it seems like I don't care about her enough to change this behavior.

I tried seeing a counselor, who suggested meditation, then meditation simply became another thing that I didn't do, proving once again that I don't care enough.

The thing is, though, even if I lapse into periods of shutting down/turning away, and making it look like I don't care (and maybe in the short term, I really do care more about myself than about the relationship), in the long run, my marriage and my family are the most important things to me - really the only things that give my life meaning, and it's devastating to hear constant threats of divorce/separation.

I just can't seem to make my short term behavior match my long term goal.

Your wife should respect your feelings and not take it personally if you withdrawal. Perhaps tell her how much you love her but that sometimes you like time to yourself or you feel emotionally exhausted.
My boyfriend is similar to you but he's NT. He's quite introverted and can sometimes seem a little distant, like he's emotionally exhausted. I used to take it personally when we were first together, but now that we've been together over 6 years I'm more used to him now and I know that he always loves me even if he doesn't show it sometimes. In fact I can read him like a book. Your wife should be the same to you.

She thinks it because you may be unaware of her emotions, feelings and needs as it is quite common to most people with Asperger's. You can try following things.
- Once you just see her on your way to whereever say something to her. Keep a good mood and be friendly and neat if doing so. NTs may think always that they are the reason once you are looking angry or with a bad mood on them. Care that especially if you are looking in her eyes (or the ones of other people too)
- Tell her she should always tell you once she needs to be comforted a bit or she should just hug you herself then because you are most likely unable to recognize her needs for that.
- Try to learn to recognize how she feels once you see her. Always share happiness with her and never ignore her worries. Hug and comfort her once she is down or unhappy.
- Always give her a warm (!) hug before leaving her and once you are back and see her. It's important for keeping your emotional connection. Try to share some happiness with her once you see her again after being absent for a while. Let her know that you enjoy to see her.
- Listen to her once she wants to talk. Put you smartphone aside then.
- Try to make trips or to visit a cinema or events sometimes. The things that you are doing together causes you a better connection towards each other within your relationship.
- Kissing, hugging and petting each other is important - also in bed. Hugging may give her a feeling of security and emotional support that you may be unaware of that she even wants and needs that. Try to give her that.

Hope that helps a bit to cause her to feel better with you.

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