need to vent about dating & boundaries

Post Reply New Topic

Was debating on posting this on the " LGBT Discussion " & not on the " Love & Dating " forum, but after thinking about the concept of my issues I'm going through, it fits more or a umbrella to both forums


So here it goes ( get ready this is a long post, I have a bad habit of typing long posts to avoid missing details )

I've recently been getting myself back ( slowly ) into the dating world, This Covid crisis has kept me in the house like crazy. Even though I'm a introvert, I can find the isloation at ease. But if I'm doing a quick run to the store to pick up items I need. I have really bad anxiety attacks that sneak up on me. So I try to avoid dealing with going to the store and order online


Online dating has been my thing for the past 10 years, I feel more at ease talking online, then on phone, after I feel ok to meet, then that's when I meet up with the person. I live in a area where alot of folks keep to themselves. Now If I lived in NYC, I don't think I would have a issue with making new friends, or dating etc

None of my dates have been in my area, let alone my state. Always told myself if the relationship ever goes bad and I need to avoid them. I won't have the chance to run into them at the store, gym, etc because they're in a different state. ( There were some that I did have interest in, that lived in the same city as me , and when we would talk online, they would want to meet the same day because the distance wasn't far and wanting me to meet at their house or mine I never felt ok doing that, never will. I always meet at public places



For the past two weeks , someone caught my attention, he seems very cool. I'm in my mid 30's, he's in his early 50's. I've always dated older, most of my friends are in the 40's / 50's range.


He lives about 20 mins from my house, he picks me up and we grab dinner and eat at his office that he works at during the day. Now here comes the " uneasy " parts

He's out, his family knows about him. He has his own house, his mom who is in her 90's lives with him. He's pretty much is her caregiver. Which I think it really great.

For some reason he doesn't feel comfortable me meeting her, even as a friend ? Now I can totally understand with covid going on & you just don't want to bring anyone around. However if we're friends getting to know each other than why would it be a issue of me coming to your house to hang out. When I'm not under the weather and negative for covid.


At first he wanted me to run upstairs to his room while his mom is in the living room watching TV, so she won't see me come in. I told him I was NOT doing that. In my 20's when I did questionable things. But not now when I'm much older / wiser

After the first week of hanging out, I met one of his friends ( Vesta ). She's really cool, relocated from New Mexico, doesn't have family, nor many friends in the area. We both hit it off really great

So the 3 of us are at his friend's house, and my friend says to Vesta " I feel bad that I have to sneak him ( me ) in my house " We both looked at him like "wtf" lol Vesta asked him " Why do you have to do that, why not just introduce your mom to him as your friend ( Which I have no problem with, because he's not my boyfriend, hell I'm still trying to get to know him as a person )

He didn't know what to say, fast foward a few days. We both go to Vesta's job to bring her lunch, she gives him the keys to her house to have dinner instead of the office. She offered her place again last week. The 2nd time, I didn't feel right because even though I apperciate Vesta doing that, It's not like I'm some kind of agent on a undercover mission

Before we left her house, I left her a card on her dining room table that had with a few gift cards, and got some groceries for her house. Just to say " Thank you "

After leaving her house, I told my friend that I can't do this again because it seems like we have to go through hurdles to hang when he has his own place, I don't want to keep using his friends house to hang. That's crazy

My birthday is coming up near the end of this month, because of Covid, I don't have any big plans. I'm going to get a hotel that's closer to the city ( I live about 30 mins from the main attractions in my state ) that way I can go to places without having to ask anyone to drive me. I recently had feet surgery that limits me. I can still walk, but driving. I can't



Saturday, when I hanged out with Lincoln ( the guy I'm talking about ) introduced me to another friend of his. I never seen him in person ( he knows I'm not to keen on meeting up with alot of folks with covid going on ) So when I got in the car, he's on the phone with him. I didn't mind, I'm pretty much lowkey about some things but not everything. Lincoln puts him on speakerphone ( I'm saying to myself oh god. Why does he insist on having me talk with everybody )

So his friend goes ( I don't remember word from word) " Oh so I've heard alot about you, and how old are you, and if I have any friends that I can set him up with to date" I'm thinking to myself damn this person is nosey as hell. But I didn't say that, But in the response that if I knew anyone to set him up with a date on................. I calmly said " I don't know anyone " lolllllllllll I wasn't trying to be cold / mean. But that was alot of questions to ask someone you don't know that you're speaking to for the first time that doesn't know you.

My fingers are killing me typing all this but I'm almost done with this post.

So the same day, I noticed a trait about Lincoln, I don't know rather to call is dry humor, or just mean

We were eating food at his office while he setting up for work the next day, his phone goes off, he looks at it, puts his phone down and looks at me and says " Oh a hot guy texted me and saying he wants to hook up "

I knew he was trying to get a reaction out of me, I calmly said " Sure go ahead " He didn't think I was going to flick that right back at him. ( Now in my younger years I would've gave him the pleasure of a reaction like Who, what, when, why )

I'm very nonchalant / calm about certain things. Over the past years of going to therapy for my mental health. I've learned to not let alot of things get to me that would cause me to relapse into depression.


And then yesterday, we were hanging out. He tried to get a reaction out of me again with " I think the age difference is a bit much for me and I think we should remain friends and not to pursue anything more "

I told him no problem, and I understand. I knew he was getting a reaction out of me because he kept prying me for me. He gave in and said he was just playing.................... Once bitten, twice shy. I'm going to have a talk with him about that because it's not good to play mind games with people who are genuine


I'm not sure what his problem is with me being the type of person that if someone feels uneasy, or something occurs for plans to change. I don't make a fuss about it. I try to figure out if it's something that Im doing to make someone not feel right, or if something comes up like a family emergency, traffic that might delay a time frame to get somewhere.

I've at a place in my life where I'm more stable mentally, taking better care of myself physically also.
Doing more for myself than I ever have, I try to keep stress down to a low level or no level. Thanks to therapy and having a great team around me made it better.

On the way home, I wasn't feeling well. I had a anxiety attack at the mall ( I went to the tattoo shop to get my piercings changed ). I went to a sitting area because they don't allow alot of people in the shop at one time.

This lady sat next to me and started coughing, like she did that mess on purpose. I almost flipped, and got up and left to another store while Lincoln was in the store talking to one of workers there about changing his ear piercing that hasnt been healing well.

So, on the way home Lincoln's friend calls him ( the one I mentioned earlier asking me all of these questions ) I'm like here we go, so I start putting my belongings in my bag in front of me because I'm about 2 mins away from my house, and I don't like rushing to get things together especially since my surgery, It's more of a challenge.

He puts him on speakerphone AGAIN, now here he comes talking about " oh I heard you have a birthday coming up, when is it, what do you have planned " I told him, I didn't have any plans..................... Lincoln looked at me like I called him a itch , put the "b" before the itch and you'll get what I'm saying lollllllll.

Lincoln's all like " I thought we had plans over the weekend " , I paid him no mind because I talked to him about my plans were and he kept brushing it off. One of the things I wanted to do go to the museum but you have to make reservations ( they're trying to limit how people are in the building which is good ) and he hasn't made reservations yet, I don't know why he keepts brushing off doing it for the past few days

So I told myself tomorrow, I'm going to do it myself and which I have no problem doing, back to his friend on the phone. Static started cutting the signal out ( I was like thank goodness because I can tell they're going to keep asking me stuff and I dont know who they are, not once has Lincoln told me about him, which is no problem. I just dislike when people don't know when keep it light especially when first talking to someone )


It kinda reminds me when I was in the car with Lincoln, he had to make a stop to his other friends place. I told him I had to make a phone call to my case manager to give her the details on how my previous therapy session went + I don't feel at ease just going to anyone's house with the covid crisis going on

I'm on the phone leaving a voicemail, his friend comes out to where I'm at in the car.
I'm saying to myself I know he sees me on the phone as clear as day, he tries to open the passenger door to where I'm sitting all aggressively. I'm looking confused like do you not see me on the phone, I opened up the door to tell him that, and he doesn't have a mask on.................... he apologized because I had to hang up the phone because I got lost in track of what I was saying, and plus I didn't have on a mask, he didn't either, My sister recently had covid and had no symptoms , but she recovered and is doing alot better. It scared the hell out of me ( she works at a hospital )

Later that day I told Lincoln, to please have his friends respect my boundaries, I can't afford to keep putting myself at risks with folks these days.

I just wish people would understand that


Sorry for the long post, I just needed to share this lol
I hope I keep pushing forward and not letting any pressure get to me regardless if it comes from family, friends, etc


Hope everyone is doing great, and to those who read this long post............thanks , I know it was alot lol

Yep....this damned COVID thing...

I'm telling ya lol.

This person sounds like they aren't worth your time. Why do you keep this going? I'm sure you could get someone better.

Thank you for that, I'm just now realising this Today. plans fail through again and I let them know I don't want to contiune on. I already get depressed around my birthday which is next week and I don't want to add more to it

I am glad to hear that, although I know it's hard to do. You'll thank yourself for standing up for yourself later.