Treading Carefully

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Hello, I wouldn’t normally prevail upon an internet community for advice, but I want to tread carefully and would appreciate your unique collective input. Thank you in advance for any replies.

I’m an NT woman who had a 2 year on/off relationship with a lovely, brilliant man who very likely has ASD. (He admitted it early on, but at that time I wasn’t aware of what the diagnosis really meant. He later vehemently denied ever saying it. I’ve since done a lot of research -- my educational background is psychology -- and he displays innumerable common ASD traits.)

We are unusually compatible, intellectually and sexually. I also have my own intimacy issues which actually made us a good match in many ways. However, reliable communication was a big problem between us, while dating. And I really didn’t understand some of the more pervasive impacts of ASD until too late.

We broke up several times (my doing) and reconnected several times (also my doing). But several times he volunteered that he was in “deeply in love with me”, that we seem to keep finding our way back to each other, and that it probably “means something”. But at the end of 2019 we broke up again (his doing) after things just got too heavy and frustrating for us both. Even then he wavered, as did I. But I accepted it, and I told him I would not look to reconnect with him anymore. I have stuck to that.

Since then, he’s reached out virtually every month by text, usually around holidays. I always reply cheerfully, but after a few back-and-forth exchanges, things go quiet. A few weeks ago it was my birthday, and he texted … and then called to talk. (I was shocked because during our dating he did not seem to know my birth date, and certainly did not acknowledge it with a card or gift back then. We are not connected on social media. So I gather he took some effort to figure out when my birthday was).

The chat was lovely as always and he admitted that he missed me, and that he has been “looking for a reason to call,” and that I had been “integral to his life.” He asked that we switch to a video call and despite him normally having a very flat facial affect, he had a beaming smile throughout.

That was a few weeks ago. I have not heard from him since, nor have I reached out.

I love this man. I think a romantic relationship will always be challenging and may not be in the cards, but at the very least I miss the intellectual connection we had with each other.

I know speculation can be difficult, and that it's virtually impossible to predict what another person is thinking or might do. But my questions for you on this Forum:

1) I’m told that people with ASD often move on from relationships without looking back. Does his attempt to re-connect bode well for some sort of friendship or reconciliation in the potential future?
2) Or, now that we talked by phone after 6 months of relative silence, is he likely to feel that it was “mission accomplished”, and disappear for good?
3) Should I let him set the pace of any future contact? Or should I try to reach out? Even at the best of times while dating, his text responses were often curt and erratic, and he would drop out for days. He says he feels pressure from many sources to be responsive to people’s communications.

I don’t want to pressure him, or ruin anything. I want to remain open to our having some sort of role in each other’s lives.

Insights? Suggestions?

Last edited by Happy_Fun_Ball on 09 Jul 2020, 9:19 am, edited 3 times in total.

Speculation: If no physical intimacy was involved, then he may have just "friendzoned" you.  If physical intimacy was involved, then he may only be looking for an occasional "booty call".That is what I would do, and have done more than once.  "Ghosting" is an effective tool for dealing with unpleasant people.Absolutely.If you want to maintain a personal relationship with him (not a "doctor-patient" relationship), then the next time he contacts you, let him know that he can contact you again.After having dated a psychologist for over a year, only to have her go off on a rage and "diagnose" me with every possible disorder in the DSM for having spoken with one of her girlfriends on the phone (she called me, btw), I can look back and see a pattern of "gaslighting" and psychological manipulation on her part.  Whether she did so consciously or not, I can now see that she was trying to subtly control the relationship with her professional skills.  This was confirmed nearly a year after the break-up when she "accidentally" bumped in to me at the mall and tried to convince me with spurious "logic" that I had broken up with her.

I hope your relationship is not like that.

Is it?

No, there was nothing sexual whatsoever. It was just a nice conversation.




Not even close. (And I don't currently work in psychology, but rather in a totally different profession for the past several decades. It's just my educational background, and one of my many general interests).

Thanks for your input!

Last edited by Happy_Fun_Ball on 09 Jul 2020, 9:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

You've been "Friendzoned".

Good luck.

If you love him as you say you do, I suggest reaching out to him. What do you have to lose?

This outcome would not disappoint me. A relationship did not work out for us, despite several attempts.

What would disappoint me, is to never hear from him again at all. I'm trying to optimize the chances that we can maintain some sort of connection.

Why?  If he is not interested in a relationship with you, then why push it?  You may only drive him further away.

How will she know if it's a possibility unless she tries?

During the relationship I initiated both the (multiple) breakups and the (multiple) reconciliations. Except for the last breakup, which was his choice. At that time, I told him I would not bother him/reach out anymore. Out of integrity (both to him, and to myself) I want to stick to my word.

But I also want to be open, if he wants to reconnect. I guess I'm asking the Forum what course to take, to make it more likely.

Blind speculation, I know.

Last edited by Happy_Fun_Ball on 09 Jul 2020, 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

She's been trying for 2 years.  If she doesn't know by now, then she may never know.

My wife's been trying for 20 years. She's still trying.

Well, she's your wife; trying is part of the job-description.  The OP is not the wife of the man she's interested in, thus neither she nor the man have any imperative to know each other better.  If it's a relationship she wants, then she would be better off to pursue a man who is interested in her.

Trying for 20 years is not part of the job description! And don't you think she had many trying years prior to marrying me? My point is that you have no way of knowing what will happen to the OP if she tries.

Well, I said I love him, and I do. I believe he loves me. But I think a viable romantic relationship is probably not possible for us.

I'd be happy with friendship. I'd be UNhappy with NO connection at all.

Which is why you need to reach out to him and explain it. Just like that.

Hmm. One vote in favor of reaching out. One vote against. I'm hoping for a tie-breaker post.