Do You Think Dating Would Be Easier If You Were Neurotypical

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As a 5 ft 3 autistic male, dating has definitely been extremely difficult for me. My neurological differences along with my short stature have definitely closed some doors in my life, particularly in the realm of dating. I am 26 years old and have never dated in my life despite wanting to experience romantic intimacy for as long as I can remember. I have no doubt that being a 5 ft 3 autistic male is the major obstacle that makes obtaining a relationship very difficult, if not impossible.


If I were a 5 ft 10 neurotypical male, my dating life would look completely different and would likely resemble more of a typical person. In this alternate timeline where I am more "normal", I would have likely started dating sometime in my teens and have had several different girlfriends throughout young adulthood. And because my executive functioning skills are no longer handicapped by autism, I would have likely went to college at 18, graduated at 22 or 23, and would have met a nice and cute girl in college and be married to her by the age of 27. Let's call this girl "Kate".


But because i'm a 5 ft 3 autistic male, I never went to college at 18 because my autism affected my ability to live and function independently up until my early twenties. As a result, I never met Kate, thus never getting married to her. But even if I had met Kate, she would have rejected the 5 ft 3 autistic version of me anyways. In this timeline, she isn't married to me, she instead meets a guy by the name of Mark and moves to another state, and they're currently expecting their first child together.

It's not that simple.....but I probably would have had an easier time with dating were I neurotypical.

I'm just under 5 foot 5, by the way.

You didn't include an option like "I don't know."

It my twenties and thirties I decided on a strategy that worked very well for me: seeking out oddballs and participating in various oddball subcultures. And, within those subcultures, I also happened to find a bunch of women friends who were very assertive, much more so than most women probably were. As a result I had unusually good luck (for an autistic person) finding both friends and partners, especially after I graduated from college.

I find it hard even to imagine what I would have been like if I were NT. My entire personality would have been very different, so I have no idea what kinds of social options, if any, I would have considered other than just going along with mainstream social expectations.

Sure, if that meant I won't have had social ineptitude and the social anxiety that stems from it.

The answer is clearly 'depends'. It's easier for them to establish contacts but not even few have to struggle a lot too. There have been guys in the clubs who tried to copy me for getting female attention. They have been a lot more aware of it than me.

It depends on how broad or narrow your definition of neurotypical is.

I'm autistic, but the reason why I don't date and never did isn't autism but growing up with another psychological condition. If I wasn't autistic but had still grown up with the other condition things would probably be pretty much the same as they are now. If I had only been autistic I'd probably have been able to date. If I was completely neurotypical and had neither autism nor any other psychological conditions it might have been even easier, but I have no idea who I'd be then.

Perhaps the reason why I have been largely unsuccessful in trying to find a girlfriend is that I was simply looking in the wrong places and going after the wrong kind of women. That and my behavior may have been off as well without even realizing it, since women arne't going around telling you what you're doing wrong and how to fix it, lol.

In my early and mid twenties, the way I went about trying to find a girlfriend was Tinder, talking to girls in classes, and joining college clubs. Looking back, I was never going to be successful on Tinder. It's a dating app based on superficiality and how good looking you are, something I do not excel in. As for college classes, most of the women were initially unreceptive, and I had a few women think I was creepy as well and blocked me after the semester ended. An unattractive guy with little social self-awareness tends to draw that response from women.

Perhaps I was aiming too high in the women I was pursuing as well. I was mostly interested in pretty neurotypical girls who had normal interests. The problem is that most of these attractive girls also want attractive guys with typical interests since we tend to date people who are similar to us. My sister as a conventionally attractive blonde and who I would consider a "normie", would never date a guy like me. Her husband is a 6 ft tall broad shouldered neurotypical male with a nice house and a good job. So due to the fact that I am a 5 ft 3 man, and perhaps coming off as visibly autistic to some women, they never saw me as a potential romantic or sexual prospect.




So what can I do to find a girlfriend? Either lower my standards and date women who I'm not attracted to at all, stay single, or wait until virtual reality becomes far more powerful and realistic and then I can escape to the VR world as a taller and better looking man and find a virtual girlfriend there. The 3rd option probably won't be a realistic possibility until i'm in my 60s though.

At least you try----that's a point in your favor.

At least you haven't given up---another point in your favor!

I would bet that there are some "gamer women" or eccentric women, or "oddball" women who might take an interest in you. I might try to lessen the "autistic" behaviors a bit, especially when you first meet.

Like what do you do that's "autistic"?

Good question. To be honest, it's kind of hard to see how you appear to other people, and the reason for this is because you're always seeing yourself from a first person point of view. If I had the ability to witness myself from a third person point of view, it would be easier to analyze my overall demeanor and behavior which could indicate why women are not romantically interested in me.

The reason why some women may be able to see me as autistic is because many people with autism have similar behaviors to one another, I can't explain it. Oftentimes, I can tell within 10 seconds of meeting someone that they're autistic and i'm almost always right. Perhaps it's my voice, the way I speak, my body language, that something is different about me. And women who are used to being around autistic people would probably be able to tell fairly quickly. Not to mention I was having a conversation with my dad recently and he asked me if I had told my college advisor if I was on the spectrum. When I told him no, he said something along the lines of "I'm sure she can tell."



Anyways, I plan to ask a couple girls out this semester. I 100% fully expect they will say no, I never learn to get my hopes up anyways.

Do yourself a favor: talk to them a little bit before you ask them out. Don't just ask them out from left field. Girls don't like it when a man doesn't talk to them like a person, rather than like a girl he wants to date. Talk to girls like you would talk to your guy friends (mostly).

And I feel like you might have a better shot with a girl who is in your class; at least you both have something in common. And ask somebody out for coffee or something----nothing more. Take it slow.

If a girl wants you to "go quickly," she probably isn't worth it.

Probably, although I might be expecting more than I'd get since I'd imagine without ASD I'd never have developed anxiety and bipolar and would have learned to socialize better.

Statistically speaking, about 90% of NTs gat relationships/married; so yeah.

Yes, because I'd obviously just have an easier time socializing overall.

If I also didn't have comorbid issues with OCD and ADHD, which compound some of my traits, I'd have a better time being accepted by partners, being comfortable in relationships, and tackling all the demands they require.

What are your interests/hobbies? Have you ever tried to participate in groups of people who shared your interests/hobbies?

I would think dating would be easier for me if i was neurotypical because then i would have a better chance of getting a good job.

Yes.

I'm attractive, well I was, but disappointing once you get to know me. I'm way too direct for a British person. I wrote out an email explaining an answer to a helpdesk question to a friendly NT woman yesterday and I had to stop and think of a way to make it less blunt.

In dating I have to do that too. Try and make myself softer. I can't keep that up. I'm using a work example because I haven't been on a date in 2 years