Girlfriend Wants To Wait Until Marriage I Don't.

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I've been dating this girl for about a month now and we both live in different countries on the other side of the world so we won't be seeing each other for long periods of time. We are both 26 years old.

We are both virgins although for completely different reasons. I am a virgin not because I am against sex but because of lack of opportunity. Growing up, I was a short scrawny nerd with aspergers who couldn't get girls even if my life depended on it and as a result, I've never been intimate with anybody. This is a big reason why I took to international dating in the first place to increase my chances of finding a romantic partner. My partner on the other hand is a virgin because she comes from a conservative and very religious background and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. Although I do go to church and believe that there could potentially be a God, I don't share the same conservative views on sex that she does.

She is the first girlfriend iv'e ever had and we definitely have a lot of natural chemistry. We can video chat for hours at a time, and we get each other's jokes and like to play games together. I like how kind, intelligent, and thoughtful she is and she seems like she would make a great partner despite us knowing each other for only a month. But to be honest, a part of me wants to explore sex and intimacy because despite my romantic experience, I am not in any sort of way asexual. I'm not sure if I could marry someone without being intimate with them; even if that means exchanging nudes, doing other sexual acts without intercourse, humping etc... It seems to me that my girlfriend is against these things and I'm not sure how high my girlfriends sex drive in general is. At one point, I asked if she ever feels sexual attraction towards other people and she said "I don't know" and then during another conversation, when I described what being asexual was, she said that this definition described her. I'm not sure if she's truly asexual or she's simply ashamed of her sexuality since she grew up in a sexually conservative culture and she's not as open about sex as I am.

In a nutshell, she's a great girl who I really like but the only thing that's incompatible is our sexuality and views on sex.

I'm not sure what I should do in this situation. It took me years and years and years just to find a girlfriend so if I break up with her, I'm scared it will take me a very long time to date someone else. I'm not a "normie"; I don't have tons of options and can't just find someone new to date or to have sex within a couple months like many attractive people can. For gods sake, I would be lucky to find someone else within a year or two. And if I do eventually find a girl who's more compatible with my views on sex, what if she's a really toxic person with a crappy personality? What if I regret breaking up with my girlfriend and never find anybody else like her?

But on the other hand, what if I decide to stick it out with my girlfriend and even eventually get married to her only to be stuck in a crappy marriage where I don't get my sexual needs met? Because of our long distance relationship and the country she lives in, I can visit her but the only way she can visit me is if we're engaged or married, so marriage is something that would likely happen within 2 years if we're still together. And marriage isn't something I want to take lightly; I want to make sure that I get it right.


I just don't know what to do in this situation.

Have you met her in person, or is this an online relationship?

Respect her wishes.  If you cannot respect her wishes, then you do not deserve her.

Define the use of the word sexuality in this context. Are you calling her asexual. How does she define herself?

Just because she has enough self control to not shag any available guy doesn't mean she has zero sexual impulses and doesn't get horny.

Sounds like you need to have a more frank conversation about it.

This is an online relationship.

It says in the post that I had this discussion with her.

When I asked her if she feels sexual attraction towards other people, she said "I don't know". So I really don't know if she feels sexual attraction towards other people or not. I don't want to be too pushy with her since we just recently had this conversation.

Because I would be willing to wait until marriage to have sex if I really liked her and thought she would make a good partner and wife, it's not something that I prefer but if I like her well enough, I could wait. BUT, I don't want to wait if I feel like she's not interested in sex at all. I don't want to get married to this woman only to find out that she's asexual, can't sexually perform, or has very little interest in "getting it on" because sexual compatibility is important to me. I don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage.



That's why it's important for me to know what her general libido is, but I understand that this is a tough conversation to have considering she comes from a conservative Christian culture, while I am a bit more liberal with my beliefs.

Sorry, I was skim reading.

Hmm. I was a young Christian woman once and I could have answered straight away that I had a high libido.

So I understand your concern.

I had a Christian friend who waited till marriage with her husband and she had never really been that attracted to anyone... Until she met him. And she knew what she wanted. She said she'd never had feelings like that for anyone before. They've been together 20 years now.

Is your girlfriend attracted to you... At all?

Last edited by hurtloam on 02 Jun 2021, 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you have so much in common with this person, I would continue to pursue the relationship. But be wary. If she is from a foreign country, it's POSSIBLE that she might be seeking to marry you to get a "green card."

It doesn't mean all women you come in contact with have that design----but there are people who are in the market for a "green card," and know that marriage is the easiest way towards the "green card." Even if this is so, this doesn't make her a bad person. It means this person wants to better her situation in life, which I find to be understandable.

Please, please, respect her right not to want to have sex with you before marriage. This is something I'm serious about. There should never be a situation of COMPULSION when it comes to sex----EVER. That goes for both the man and the woman.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is attracted to me or not, I'm assuming she is. But like I said, I was the short nerd with aspergers who got little attention from women back home so it's entirely possible she's only pretending to be attracted to me.


I also have another legitimate concern that some people have brought up. My girlfriend lives in The Philippines and it's entirely possible that she's only using me for a green card. That could explain why she's waiting for marriage to have sex and she says she doesn't feel much sexual attraction in general. The real reason may be that by saying that she only has sex until marriage, it pressures me to marry her sooner so that she can get her green card that much quicker. Also, the reason why she doesn't have much interest in sex is not because she's asexual but maybe because she's only trying to use me for a green card, so it would make sense that she doesn't have much interest in sex since she's not actually attracted to me and I am only a means to an end to her.


I genuinely hope that this isn't the case and I'm not saying that all filipina women are like this but this is a legitimate concern for a reason, so these are potential red flags to watch for.


I have video chatted with her at least 7-8 times so she is definitely NOT a catfish, I know that.

If I were you, given that you’ve only been together for one month and still in the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship itself, I’d recommend just enjoying what you have. It’s early days. Especially since it’s only your first relationship. I would definitely respect her wishes, absolutely. As time goes on and you get to know each other more, it should become clear, especially after spending more and more time with her in person, whether or not you want a life with her. Loving someone is about a whole lot more than just sex, but I do appreciate your concern for possibly being incompatible in that area. If you’re meant to be together, it’s simple. You will! You really can’t bear the thought of being without them, and your future tends to be focused on future plans and goals, adventures together.

I married a Christian man who had never had a girlfriend before. I would have waited until marriage to consummate with him, as I respected him, but he wound up not being strong in that area. We both had very high drives. When you’re dating someone, spending time with them in person, it tends to become pretty obvious whether or not you’ll be “compatible” through the intimacy that usually comes with dating alone. Still, there are ebbs and flows in all relationships, and even if you marry, even if you both started out compatible, there tends to be great change as time goes on, meaning 10 years on, you may have an even more exciting, stronger sexlife than you did 5 years in with your wife, then again, things may be strained due to life circumstances.

I understand this is your first relationship, and maybe you’ll both be fortunate, and everything will fall into place, and all will work out well. I wouldn’t overthink things at this stage. I do think that it’s a good thing though, to have experienced other relationships. Nothing worse than thinking you’re married to a devoted, loyal partner, then finding out they are anything but that, as time goes on, Christian or not. There are Christians who have been married, but have led double lives. I don’t believe that anyone truly ever knows the person they’re with.

You both need time to get to know each other more and to learn how you each approach issues/problems and whether or not you can solve things well, etc. Enjoy what you both have in the here and now, and hopefully you will know in time, if it’s meant to be. Even the strongest, most compatible marriages, will be put to the test in multiple ways as time goes on, as this is just how life is. You won’t be the same person ten years from now, that you are now and nor will your girlfriend. Nobody can predict or be certain of anything. Hopefully, you’ll grow together in all the right ways .

I’ve changed my views entirely as I’ve grown. You live and learn!

Meh, it's an online flick....it won't last.

I agree with everything the other members have posted. I'd also recommend that you look at this from her perspective, and not just your own. Assuming she's sincere about liking you, she's probably very cautious. She's dating a man from another country who expressed an interest in meeting her primarily because of her nationality. A lot of people have a fetish for Asian women so this could make her a bit anxious. Then she's only known you for a month, and the relationship is online. Now you are trying to discuss sex with her, via an internet connection and a camera.

I've been with my guy over a year and I wouldn't be comfortable talking about sex online with him. We don't do video cybersex (sorry boys) and I would be very hesitant if a new partner that I just met on the other side of the world was starting to ask about my sexuality. I know you aren't trying to be a perv and you have legit reasons for inquiring, but think how it feels for her. On top of that there are cultural and religious differences for her to consider, and it sounds like she's quite shy. She obviously likes men to some degree or she wouldn't be on a dating site, and she wouldn't be talking to you.

I don't think this is something you can reasonably discuss or assess, until you meet her in person.

Stop calling it the Asian fetish, jeez.

There’s no Asian fetish, it is just normal guys liking normal polite women, those women are at least replying them and showing interest unlike most women of their own culture who always ghost them or show zero interest.

Women who show interest will always win over women who never show interest, regardless of ethnicity.

That’s the « Asian » secret, there’s no more to it.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 02 Jun 2021, 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm not calling it that. My brother's wife is from Philippines. He likes Asian women for the same reasons that Muse does. I'm only saying that the young woman might be aware of other people's less honourable interests. I'm not applying those interests to Muse or being critical in any way. I already supported him when he first suggested using this dating site.

Read the edited post; I added things to it.

The thing is that *every single time* a thread or topic comes up about someone dating an Asian girl, there’s always mentioning of this « Asian fetish ».
Why we never see the term of  Polish fetish or African fetish in other « inter-racial » coupling or whatever?

There’s no « Asian fetish », this term has to die for good.

I agree. I'm just stating the reality. That's something young Asian woman are warned about. My sister-in-law and her sisters grew up knowing about the potential, so they were very careful.


Similarly, people here have warned Muse about young woman from other countries who might be seeking a green card.

We have also warned members here about the risks of catfishing and other online dating scams.