Worse than lonely

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I will have been married for 14 years in July. My wife, very NT, is a great person. Overall, much better than I am in nearly every way.

But we have very little in common. I can't do much relaxing (and unmasking) even in my own household. It seems that I'm little more to her than the live in help (I am quite efficient with all kinds of household tasks). I know that I am not a fun, romantic guy. Not in the sense of the "kind of guy" most women are looking for. I have all the typical ASD deficits in all of that, and I'm not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not (OK, I did some of that when we first met, but found it beyond exhausting).

I am starved for affection, nearly shut off completely since my diagnosis in March. I know that I'm bad at reading things, but I just get the sense that I'm now "on probation" with her. The uneasiness has me so I don't want to be at home unless I'm by myself.

I fantasize about leaving often, but that's not much of an option. I do have a full-time job, but my car and everything else is in her name. I'd probably be homeless before long. At this point, finding a better relationship is a longshot at best. I would not leave my 12 year old daughter in any case. But staying, with things the way they are, is pushing me to a breaking point.

I was married to someone who was quite likely on the spectrum a long time ago. I could be myself around her, no matter how weird or unacceptable that would be to an average NT. There were problems there, too; so I'm not looking for a return to that (in the end, our interests diverged past the point of reconciliation). But I'm in hell here with no good options. I think that I was probably best suited to be on my own, but have difficulty supporting myself on my own. Quite honestly, I probably do cause my wife quite a bit of concern and, though I'm not a difficult person, I am probably challenging. She could do much better.

I guess if my diagnosis had happened much earlier in my life, I would not have faced so much pressure to do the "get a job, get married, establish a household" thing. But I'm here now, and it's killing me.

Thanks for looking at my rambling and depressing post!

I can relate to so much of your post. I received my diagnosis at the age of 54 and things between my wife and I are not very good. I think we're only together still because we can't financially split...can't afford to live in two separate places. That and we have five children together. But I feel like I've ruined her life, having to be stuck with me. Also, I totally relate to the masking part. It's terrible that I feel that I have to mask in my own home...mask everywhere I am. I just thought it might help you to know you're not alone...

Thank you for your reply. I have the day off today (home alone! hooray!). But I will most likely spend it taking care of things. Which I don't mind doing, especially when I can let my guard down.

I'm envious of your chance to be alone. In a household of seven people, that's nearly impossible for me. Enjoy it while you can.