Hi. I’m new.

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Hi. I am new to Wrong Planet posting but I have been scrolling on this site for a while. I need advice.

Last night I got angry at the way my gf was treating me (She was angry that my phone light was too bright, but she came about it aggressively) and I hit the bed next to her and ended up hitting her leg. (I was also slightly drunk). She started screaming that I hit her and got angry, and I lightly slapped her on the cheek after. She slept on the couch.

We had been talking about getting married, we been together over 6 years, but she says she thinks we are not ready if I treat her that way. She said we are back to square 1 now.. and she no longer wants to get engaged right now.

I really regret my actions. I grew up seeing my dad hit my mom and be verbally abusive. I had violent meltdowns as a child. I want to marry my girlfriend, but I am thinking maybe I’m lucky she didn’t break up with me and I should be thankful.

What can I do to make this better? We’d been doing so well until last night.

Best advice I can give is to cut down on the drinking because it impares ones judgement when one is drunk.
The other advice I can give is to pray, and I really hope that all goes well in your forthcoming marriage.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Thank you for the welcome and the advice. I’m upset that she said she no longer wants to get married, and I’m upset by my actions. I don’t know why I did it. I think I ruined our relationship

Give her time. She reacted like that because she has been upset.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about this. I can’t believe I did this. I want to marry her and now she doesn’t want to because of one stupid mistake.

Some mistakes are fatal.

I’ve messaged her and told her I am going to stop drinking. That wasn’t me. I would never physically hurt her, and I lightly slapped her on the face I didn’t do it to hurt her.. I don’t know why I did it.. I grew up my parents hitting eachother and me, and getting in physical fights with my mom and dad..

I want things to be like they were before I did this.. please what do you think I can do to make her want to marry me again.

Buy her flowers?

Ok

Who was it? It was you and part of taking responsibility means owning that.

I'm not certain that things can go back to how they were prior because that's what happens you when one crosses certain thresholds with people and that might not be a mistake that can be recovered from. Everyone has certain behaviours they will never tolerate from a friend or from a partner and sometimes you don't get a mulligan.

She's entitled to consider your actions to be a dealbreaker.

But, you can learn from it for the future regardless of how this unfolds. Be grateful for that because people sometimes make smaller mistakes and don't get the opportunity to be around to learn from it afterwards.

Thank you. I don’t think she will break up with me but I worry about our relationship now. I hate myself. If it makes it any better I barely tapped her. I mean very very lightly to where it was more of an aggressive tap. I think she barely even felt it.

Not to take her side but I hate it when partners have their phones on too bright when I'm lying in the dark and my eyes have already adapted to darkness.

I'd suggest you now only turn the brightness way down but also turn on the filter that increases the colour temperate of the display (you can put it on a timer so that it starts at certain times at night).

I'm the same way.

I keep my brightness down, but when I show someone else my screen, I turn it up (because most people prefer it turned up to see it better).

My partner actually turns his screen down when he wants to show me something on it. Because he knows I prefer it turned down.

I guess the bottom line is: is it worth it?

is it worth fighting over?

How much does it inconvenience you to make your partner more comfortable or happy? (In any given situation).

Sometimes you'll fight. Sometimes it's better to just drop it and keep the peace.

Not worth fighting for. My partner and I have had more than our fair share of conflicts but when one of us wants to the other to turn our phone brightness down we just do it. We don't fight over that.

It's not just that 1 action. But the fear that this behavior may continue in marriage.

Is he going to hit me again? What if his alcoholism gets worse? What if things are fine for a while, but then he relapses at some point in the marriage and continues this behavior?

There are some people who act nice, but then their real dark side emerges once they get married. I'm not saying this is you, this may be a legit concern for her.

If I were in your situation, I'd abstain from alcohol for at least the next several months (or at least never be drunk around her). And show her your making a serious effort to change your lifestyle.

Regarding your childhood and abusive dad, you should find a therapist or at least some kind of support group/network of friends to help overcome this.

It may take some months to rebuild her trust before she's ready to engage again.

Certainly stop drinking and if she is skeptical that you won't become a better man regardless if you do this or not,
would the two of you consider engaging in couples' therapy?

BTW, welcome to Wrong Planet!