Ghosting vs. Taking an Unannounced Break

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Do you believe there's a difference?

I do. Taking an unannounced break is exactly what it says on the tin can. It means briefly pausing in a relationship for a few days. As someone with sensory issues, I  understand that emotional and physical stress can take a toll on one's psyche, so one may need a few days off to recuperate. Sometimes one wants to cut off communication with all parties and forego announcing it.

There is no personal malice involved, but one may only need some significant me-time for a few days when one gets overwhelmed, even if they refrain from announcing it. Other than that, one should get back in touch in less than a week.

Ghosting is when you abandon someone entirely. You abruptly stop dating and never explain why. One disappears from their life as if they never were there in the first place. This is also unannounced, except there is no intention to reconnect with your ghostee. I would suspect somebody of ghosting me after a few weeks of no replies, but never after a few days.

Otherwise, it just goes to show how impatient our society has become. Always expecting instant gratification without exception.

Thoughts?

Not talking to someone for a few days is pretty normal, IMO healthy behaviour. People don't always have the mental energy to talk to others. And ghosting someone is, like you said, ceasing all communication with them without warning, and then never talking to them again.

They are the same thing to me. If you need a break say so, if you don't it can be seen at best being a jerk at worst ending a relationship.

I should clarify that I don't think just a few days of not talking is really a "break", but I'm used to going a whole week without talking to my friends. If it's somehow abnormal for two people to not talk that long, you should probably just tell them you need a few days to yourself. There's no reason to confuse someone because you don't want to do that or don't think it's necessary.

If the person is an immediate family member or a very close friend or romantic partner, I would suggest giving them some means of contacting you that you are more-or-less guaranteed to respond to, so that they can know if you are okay. For example, I will sometimes go days or even weeks without answering email, text messages, Twitter, and private messages in online forums, but I will still answer the phone if someone calls. You might prefer a different policy (e.g. you will answer only text messages, and only from immediate family and/or your very closest friends and/or romantic partner and no one else).

I agree that people other than immediate family members and your very closest friends and/or romantic partner should not expect an immediate response, and that you don't owe them an announcment.

I mean a couple days is one thing, but going like a week or more is basically ghosting. Like there was one guy I was dating and he went like a week without responding to any text or texting me. I was all worried and such, then after that week he contacts me just to tell me he doesn't want anything long term...it pissed me off for sure. Like he could have just said that instead of causing me to lose sleep for a week because I was worried that like something had happened to them. Granted I probably got a little more attached than I should have that early on, but it still was unpleasant.

Then there was another guy I dated who ghosted me for months(I even tried to invite him to like go to a movie or at least meet up with me) and then didn't contact me till I had moved on and had a boyfriend. Initially seemed like maybe we could still be friends and chat he was sorry about ghosting me and seemed to accept there was no chance of us dating again, but then he started being weird about my boyfriend so I kinda ghosted him, but I don't feel very bad about it since he did it to me first and he was being rude about my boyfriend. I mean it was like really the guy expected me to consider him, when he ghosted me for months and I had already moved on and had a boyfriend. Like idk, did he really think I was going to consider breaking up with my boyfriend to give them a chance after that.

I see a lot of memes and posts in autistic circles that find humor in being unresponsive to texts. It's not funny. Don't be surprised if people find your hoops not worth the trouble of jumping through. A lack of response looks like disinterest, no matter how much the other party plays along with your sob story and seems to "get it".

Take the time RIGHT NOW to compose a "I'm not going to answer you right now, I'll see you in a few days" message, while you are not too stressed or busy or whatever. Send it when appropriate, instead of ignoring texts for days or worse. Also consider answering texts that don't require a lot of effort, even if you will also be saying "I'm not going to text for a few days."

When you ignore texts you spread whatever burden you are feeling that you can't respond onto someone else. You make it their problem, too. Be judicious in how often you do this.

Good post. I will add that if you are the type of person who may suddenly need a few days to themselves with no contact with a romantic partner, I'd highly recommend trying to explain that to them when things start to get serious. Have a serious discussion when your both in an OK mood & are mentally up to it. They should know that's a characteristic about you & not to take it personally before things get to that point where you suddenly need space with no explanation. If they know your on the spectrum, you could try & say that it's related to how your affected by your autism. & if you never talked to em about possibly being on the spectrum, that might be a good time to have that discussion as well.

I can sometimes or even lots of times be horrible about replying to messages by online friends & posts on online forums. Sometimes those things can require a lot of mental focus & time & effort. I put things off for later & I can be very forgetful about em. Things can be worse if I'm busy with stuff or not doing well mentally. However when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm very needy & clingy & my partner is my top priority & focus. I pretty much never go more than a day without talking to em in person or by message if we are not physically present with each other. Me & my last ex agreed that I would let her have space for a couple weeks so she could focus on her college exams & when I did message her a week later after noticing she was online, she ended up breaking up with me I'm not really surprised by that because we were having LOTS of problems & fights alot of which were because of my issues. We also would not of been able to move in together for an extended period of time & doing the LDR thing was very difficult, especially for me. Suddenly not hearing from my partner for a few days or longer would defiantly set warning sirens off in my head because I'd be worried that something very bad happened or she is giving herself space so she can reconsider our relationship. I would not want to go days without contacting my girlfriend because I would not want her to have the free time to herself to reconsider our relationship & for history to repeat itself & I'd get dumped again. I know that makes me an extremely selfish d!ck & I hate being that way. I am OK about not hearing from my girlfriend for a few hours when she's visiting family because I know she can get very distracted or end up taking a nap without letting me know 1st. I can be the same way myself so it's usually not a big deal to me but a whole 24 hour period would be very rough for me.


However I heard that there is some unofficial NT social rule where you are supposed to wait a couple days or a week before contacting someone after you 1st started dating em in order to avoid seeming too desperate & too needy even if you are desperate & needy & you both really like each other. It seems like some kinda social dance like that playing hard to get cr@p that can frustrate the hell out of us guys. Maybe this is worse because I'm an Aspie but I really NEED directness & straightforwardness. I would much rather a woman being upfront about liking me or not liking me or whatever instead of doing that social dance. I would much rather have a discussion about things instead of tiptoeing on eggshells randomly guessing what to do & not to do & how she may feel or not feel about me so I don't inadvertently completely screw everything up because I'm too desperate instead of giving her space for a week or she thinks I'm not interested in her because I waited too long before initiating contact with her Sometimes everything I do or not do is wrong & it can be extremely frustrating. There may be tons of hints & clues but I'm way too ret*d to notice & figure em out.

You may feel like there's a difference, but think of how the other person feels.

If you didn't announce the reason why you're taking a break, how is the other person supposed to know the difference? They can't read minds.

Communication is important in any kind of relationship. If you want to take a break for a few days or however long, do the mature thing and tell the other person this.