Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

suggestions for NT to give me a chance

Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

Previous topic | Next topic

twl22
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 25 Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

26 Jul 2007, 9:35 am

sorry for the new topic, but my wife of 18 years has been talking divorce. We have now figured out that I am AS, but she is heading the direction of "oh well, that's tough-I can't deal with it, I need me taken care of". I have acknowledged AS and being as aware as I can be, but she, who the world thinks is the nicest person there is, may not give me the opportunity to show her how I can change and be what she needs. We have three kids and through my hard work are very well off with her and the kids having every opportunity, but i am stressed that she will not give me a chance to make it up to her somehow.



Fiz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jan 2006
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,821
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom

26 Jul 2007, 9:45 am

I'm sorry, but I think your wife is being unreasonable by saying that it's 'tough, I can't deal with it', she has for the past 18 years, now she knows it's something you can't actually help, she wants to walk away? Even though you have 3 kids? I think she needs to open her eyes. Why should you totally change (you can't by the way) when the pair of you should compromise and talk about the difficulties she appears to be having? And the ones that you have? I think that, yes, you need to talk with her and, if necessary, be the one that makes the first move. I think you need to explain to her that you can't change but you can compromise and see what she says. If she any sort of woman, she would perhaps agree to compromise as well.


_________________
The only person in the world that can truly make you happy is yourself.


jfberge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2007
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 506
Location: Cell block B, #9

26 Jul 2007, 9:51 am

twl22 wrote:
sorry for the new topic, but my wife of 18 years has been talking divorce.


Sorry to hear that. I've been divorced twice, so I understand the frustration. I always felt like I was incomplete or broken after an argument - that I was incapable of being the kind of person they wanted. It's easy to make me feel like things are all my fault, because I'm abnormal. Of course, this isn't true. Marriages take two.

Have you guys been to therapy?



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

26 Jul 2007, 11:40 am

twl22 wrote:
sorry for the new topic, but my wife of 18 years has been talking divorce. We have now figured out that I am AS, but she is heading the direction of "oh well, that's tough-I can't deal with it, I need me taken care of". I have acknowledged AS and being as aware as I can be, but she, who the world thinks is the nicest person there is, may not give me the opportunity to show her how I can change and be what she needs. We have three kids and through my hard work are very well off with her and the kids having every opportunity, but i am stressed that she will not give me a chance to make it up to her somehow.


oh honey! I have been divorced twice and your bolded comment above really resonates with me!

you are ready to do ANYTHING and she is obviously looking for a way out of her relationship and is taking this opportunity to do so.

I feel for you, I really do
Merle



twl22
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 25 Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

26 Jul 2007, 11:43 am

yes, we have been to therapy. bad news is that the first time, 2 years ago, didn't discover the AS. I came away from it as needing to deal with two things: be more patient with the kids and not "harass" her about stuff that she's not getting done or not doing the right way. Kills me that we didn't figure it all out and I could at least work on the bigger issue............



Asparval
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 847
Location: UK

26 Jul 2007, 12:04 pm

twl22 wrote:
sorry for the new topic, but my wife of 18 years has been talking divorce. We have now figured out that I am AS, but she is heading the direction of "oh well, that's tough-I can't deal with it, I need me taken care of". I have acknowledged AS and being as aware as I can be, but she, who the world thinks is the nicest person there is, may not give me the opportunity to show her how I can change and be what she needs. We have three kids and through my hard work are very well off with her and the kids having every opportunity, but i am stressed that she will not give me a chance to make it up to her somehow.


She is using Aspergers as an excuse to leave you, it's not the real reason. The real reason has more to do with her than you. My wife did the same. She jumped at the chance when I was diagnosed to tell all her friends how I couldn't support her (despite the fact that I had for several years). She was just drawing her network of friends around her so they would all sympathise with her when she left me.

It's all an excuse.



Brainsforbreakfast
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2006
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 179

26 Jul 2007, 12:19 pm

Asparval wrote:
It's all an excuse.


Probably, yeah, there's more to it than she is telling.
He is the same person after 18 years. Plenty time to get to know someone, I reckon.

It's an excuse to her friends, to herself and to him, to not feel guilty.
Why do NT's give and accept bullsh*t reasons for excuses?



jfberge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2007
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 506
Location: Cell block B, #9

26 Jul 2007, 2:09 pm

Brainsforbreakfast wrote:
It's an excuse to her friends, to herself and to him, to not feel guilty.
Why do NT's give and accept bullsh*t reasons for excuses?


You're right on the money, here. I could tell that my wife wanted out long before she ever admitted it, but we went through the exercise of therapy anyway. Therapy seemed like a formality she needed to satisfy herself in regard to breaking up. Sort of a "well, I tried" rationalization.

This brings up something else I've long suspected: NTs don't generally break up with someone unless they already have someone else in mind (or in deed). It's also usually obvious whom that person is.

From now on, I'm going to listen to my instincts.



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 74,022
Location: Portland, Oregon

26 Jul 2007, 3:59 pm

twl22 wrote:
sorry for the new topic, but my wife of 18 years has been talking divorce. We have now figured out that I am AS, but she is heading the direction of "oh well, that's tough-I can't deal with it, I need me taken care of". I have acknowledged AS and being as aware as I can be, but she, who the world thinks is the nicest person there is, may not give me the opportunity to show her how I can change and be what she needs. We have three kids and through my hard work are very well off with her and the kids having every opportunity, but i am stressed that she will not give me a chance to make it up to her somehow.


I'm sorry to say this, but your wife is being one big b**ch by using your Aspergers as an excuse for leaving you. The best thing to do is explain to your kids what may happen, depending on their ages, and find a place of your own for a while until she becomes more reasonable.


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

26 Jul 2007, 10:23 pm

jfberge wrote:
This brings up something else I've long suspected: NTs don't generally break up with someone unless they already have someone else in mind (or in deed). It's also usually obvious whom that person is.



QUOTED FOR TRUTH!! !

Time after time after time, I never learned, but there it was. Every guy I have ever broken up with has slid into another relationship before leaving me behind! I could never do that, I would have to have sometime and space between each relationship, often living for years by myself. NTs would find that difficult. ( I have always thought about how people recoil against being sent to 'solitary confinement' in prison and I always thought "what is so bad about that?"

Merle