How to respond when ASD partner is grumpy and stressed out

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From my experience, getting stuff done and checking off items on a todo list is a coping strategy for many people on the spectrum, especially with signs of OCD. Many just can't stop thinking about unfinished tasks and unresolved issues and fall asleep. todo lists provide clarity and focus, compensate difficulties with executive function. But having too many items on the list can have the opposite effect. Breaking it down into a shorter list of high-impact priorities and a longer list of remaining tasks might help. If you think it would be appropriate, you could gently suggest this.

Can I ask you how exactly do you de-stress? Eliminating contributing factors like coffee is important, but job-related stress is inevitable, he needs some methods of actively reducing stress as well.

> Two nights ago, I called him just to chat for a bit and instead of picking up he texted me and said he can't talk

Yes, acknowledging his limitations and letting you know this is not the best moment for him to talk to you is very responsible, show him some appreciation for doing so.

Phone calls can be very stressful for already stressed out and tired person on the spectrum. Just ringing of a phone is just as unpleasant as an air horn right in your face. Verbal communication takes much more effort. Chitchat, trying to find what to talk about and picking words could be very-very challenging for him when he is not at hist best. If you want to give him space, I would suggest using communication channel like email, so he is in control and can make a choice to check or to ignore it for a while. I would use voice calls only in case of emergency. Gently let him know you will be busy doing something o your own, but would be glad to talk whenever he wants to talk. Let him call you first. Don't make him feel like you expect him to call and would be upset if he would not. Even though you mean you'll miss him, it can give him additional anxiety and guilt for not calling you.

I hope my suggestions are helpful. Good luck!

I saw him tonight and I could tell that he was on edge, but also suppressing it. He didn't really even give me a hug, and my knee-jerk reaction was to give him an attitude about it . I reminded myself of your explanation about stress so I turned it around quickly. There were no arguments tonight

Sometimes, when I am in a grumpy mood, Mrs. Fnord will tell me that she needs a hug; and of course I am obliged to give her one.  Then we both feel better.

And does she ask for hugs quite often?