Getting my boyfriend to go out

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Hi:
I am currently in a new relationship with my first boyfriend who is also on the spectrum. That said, I am learning there is a big difference about us.

Me- I want to go out to dinner and do things on dates
Him- He likes to do movie night in and snuggle in couch and eat dinner in

However, he and I had a discussion about going out to eat on dates. To him, it's walking down the street to eat at a local place and for me it's going away from down the street and going to a restaurant and do something like go to a museum. I was giving him some suggestions.

How do I get him out of his shell?

What are his interests? Does he share any interests with you?

Him: Together time, at or near home, in sedentary activities.

Her: Together time, far from home, in ambulatory activities.

As long as they are together, what is the problem?

. . . Says the man who likes to spend together time with his wife at or near home, engaged in sedentary activities.

It’s no problem, I would like our dates to be more adventurous.

Interests, we both like the zoo and the aquarium.

You can try the leash.

There are different feelings in different people, maybe he often feels tired or prefers to lay low, low stress environments and be close and intimate with you. That is the way he receives intimacy, your style just happens to be different. Don't judge him for this difference.

Also might depend on how much time you can spend together and how long you have been dating, or events in the relationship, or mood. Moods dont always match between partners, if hes not feeling well its time to be understanding and patient but express you really need emotional support and the thought with fulfilment of good times on this period of time.

If its a normal preference then I would say you guys can compromise to reach a good satisfying resolve for needs so that nobody feels unhappy and left out. Now you have to understand who he is, with this person you probably wont be able to live your life in an adventure, having the time of your life, that wouldnt work out while he desires the complete opposite and it would be unfair to him.

I have mismatching desires compared to my fiance but i have enjoyed things when he took me out, even though admittedly sometimes it mightve been hard, and he even disliked some of them while I enjoyed them, as im sure he has enjoyed staying in with me too. I can also relate to your situation as sometimes my need of adventure overcame my exes but my choice of action was just patience, not very easy and perhaps not the best route. Needless to say I look frward to anything and can easier accept low effort tasks and resonate with them as well as understand the moods of my exes and that there is a time when they are focused on other type of activities and I go with the vibe. But since you ended up posting about this, this might be something that has started to considerably affect you. Maybe it affects them too, which doesnt help it. If you can have a talk about this that could end up with more understanding it might benefit both of you.

What kinds of jobs do the two of you have? (I'm wondering if his job might be tiring in ways that make him averse to travel.)

Also, does he have sleep issues? (If he needs a lot of sleep or has trouble getting enough sleep, that might be another reason for an aversion to travel.)

Also, I'm wondering: Are you an ADHDer as well as autistic (whereas, I suspect, he does not have ADHD but is just autistic)? I ask because ADHDers are more likely to crave novelty, whereas most other autistic people have a stronger-than-normal dislike of change and surprises.

How about a compromise? Every week or every other week you plan a going out date. I don't think it's fair to ask him to figure out what you want to do. If it's your interest in doing it, the you should try to orchestrate it.

If you aren't living together, it might be easiest to go immediately after work. Going home first may initiate the time-to-relax phase & make it too difficult to get the energy or interest to go back out. Also, if you don't live together, going to your place might be his limit on "going out" for the evening. Going to a friend's house can be more than enough "out" for a day for me. (It's out of my house, therefore it's "out & about" & tiring. Even a significant other's place is still not "my" place.)

1. He works at a carwash right now and I work at a university as a project assistant.
2. He and I both have problem sleeping at times
3. I have ADHD and he is more docile than I am but he and I are both Aspies who seem to have the same levels of maturity.

As for the cuddling and movie nights, I do enjoy them with him. We also have a snowball night during our third date which was hilarious.

Regarding going on, he said that he is not used to date though he said that he had a few dates. So I gave him a little lesson on the difference between getting a quick bite to eat and spending a night on a town at a steakhouse. However, he and I talked about doing a free concert at a university and then going to a dinner across the street which he was fine with. He also liked the idea of working out together with me at a gym with a have a membership at.

You probably shouldn’t be eating in restaurants right now at all due to a certain virus that’s been going around since late 2019.

Find activities that he enjoys. Are there any meetup groups with his interests? Any gaming/hobby shops? S

In other words, his job is more physically tiring than yours. Whatever plans you make with him, this needs to be kept in mind.


You have ADHD but he does not have ADHD? If so, that would explain why you are so much more "adventurous" than he is. For most non-ADHD autistic people, including myself, too many "adventures" are a hardship. We need to not do too much travel, or have too many changes in scenery, too often.

"Levels of maturity" are not the issue here. The issue is attention focus.

I also suspect that he might want his food to be predictable, and thus doesn't want to go out to a whole big bunch of different new restaurants. Is that correct? If so, then, if you have an urge to try out new restaurants often, is there a platonic female friend you could do that with, instead of with him?

You mentioned that you both like the zoo and the aquarium. Maybe you could go to those places more often?


I'm glad to hear you've succeeded in finding some mutually agreeable things to do.

Hi Mona,
Thank you for your help, he and I decided to go to a comic book store and then go out to lunch at a great burger place. The area is nice and quiet.

Glad to hear you were able to make mutually agreeable plans.

Is there one near you? If yes, talk to him about it being a next possible place to visit.

Good to know your date went well.

It sounds like if you offer him a definite excursion with all the details that he feels more comfortable than just a general "going farther from home" sort of plan.
He can then mentally prepare for the excursion, enjoy it in the moment knowing the start time, planned activities, and end time.
It may not be as romantic nor spontaneous but perhaps that will come with time. And if not, at least you will both be able to enjoy yourselves together out at times and in at other times.