How to let someone down gently?

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I have probably given this cliche advice myself before, but how do I (very gently) let a guy know I'm not interested and still maintain good standing with he and his friends?

This is an important social circle to me, and I'm very upset that one of the members had to go professing his love for me.

I dont want to leave the friend group, but I dont want him to leave the friend group either.

I guess I can't control what he does. If he wants to leave the group or stay and act weird around me then that's on him.... I just wish I didn't feel guilty about it.

I guess the real question is, how do I alleviate my guilt?

Do the best you can to achieve your goals. These are honorable goals and would be best for all in the group. I have no advice to help achieve ‘em. I would attempt a good private talk, being as honest and as nice as I could, even as far as letting a snark go without acknowledging it.

I was in his position, twice and both times I decided to choose the group. Both, I didn’t pursue. The first, I have always regretted and felt I missed an great opportunity. The second, I did get angry at one point but de-esculated myself in time, still there were tears on the phone. She is still my friend today and the group is basically a-skewed but the memories are priceless. What happens on his side is his responsibility and he has to own it.

Be honest with him.

Tell him he's a decent guy----but you're not romantically interested in him. Tell him in a nice way, more like he's a person rather than a man.

I was told that many times by women. I didn't like it----but I had to accept it. I used to lament that "no woman would ever dig me." But, then, I put "finding a woman" on the back burner, because I knew I had more things going for me, and that having a girlfriend wouldn't "complete" me. I had to do it to save my sanity and my self-respect.

He won't like it, either----but he just has to accept it.

Tell him you’re gay.

Why do you feel guilty? I don't understand where guilt factors in. Someone decided they like you. Unless you really led them on or gave them false hope you haven't done anything wrong.

Did they suggest it's your fault, or do you sense they're manipulating you emotionally for something you didn't initiate?

Otherwise I always think of situations from every angle.

If a woman were friends with a bunch of guys and she confessed her love for one of them, do you think that man would feel guilty and worry about what to do? It's frustrating to me that women are told to "lie", "say they're gay", or consult strangers about how to compensate for other people's emotions, but it doesn't seem to work both ways.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I appreciate it makes you sad and you don't want to lose your friend. Rest assured there's no reason for your friendship group to be affected just because you don't love one of them in the same way they love you.

You say:

“Wow! I’m flattered. No, I’m truly honored, and thank you for having the courage to say something. It means a lot to me, more than you know. I think you’re a truly great guy. But if I may be honest, I don’t feel now is the right time for me to be in a relationship. I’m just not ready for that right now. You work on finding the right one for you, ok? Can we be friends?”

The be friends bit is entirely optional. It’s merely a courtesy. You aren’t actually going to be friends. You’re just being a good, polite person. If he starts inserting himself incessantly in your life, or if he even tries, then ghost him.

They might actually still be friends.

I’ve been rejected for romance….but not for friendship.

Yes they can still be friends - or at least I hope so.

There's no reason she should feel obligated to love someone when she doesn't, even though it can be awkward.

Friendship is a greater and more enduring form of love anyway, in my opinion.

Emotions are going to get bruised. No matter what you do.

Wrong Wrong Wrong. Why lie. Just speak the truth. Imagine the other way around. "Oh sorry Miss , I appreciate the interest, and you're a nice person, but I only like men. Maybe if you grow a beard I would... " It's absurd.



The correct approach.




How about friends with benefits? /sarcasm. (It's a pseudo position. I have an opinion that. But that's a whole another story.)



It's not impossible. If both people can get past it. With mutual respect intact. A big IF. But friendship usually goes out the window. If the dynamic has changed. When one wants something that the other one doesn't. Where does a person go from there? It will colour all communication from that point on. It will be in the back of a persons mind. The proverbial 'Elephant in the room.' Until it's resolved somehow. Then maybe they can be friends. In the purest platonic sense. Maybe. I wouldn't count on it though.



Yeah, regret sucks. I THINK it's better to tell somebody you like them, then never risk it. Even if it ruins everything. I guess it because in my mind atleast, if I like you so much, I want you to be with you sexually, Then it's a all or nothing proposition. If I LIKE you THAT much, I don't want to be just friends, I want experience all of you. Or nothing of you. It becomes a very black and white thing. Heaven and Hell. You become overrun with DESIRE. With me, If i like somebody, that outweighs any emotional pain such a situation may bring with it. And the stronger you FEEL the desire the more you are willing to risk, I find. At the same time desire can burn it self you if you hit a brick wall over and over again. In the past i have done some embarrassing things, been obsessed, oscillating, before burning out. I never learn though. Desire kind of carries you away. It's like a mental hijacking. Science says there's little difference in traits of a person who falls in LOVE and somebody with ocd. (I've researched this in the past.)

I think most women can spot crushes coming a mile away anyway. When they start to develop. NT's atleast. Most are not blind to the signs. They catch on. The increased interest. Increased concern. These things don't just happen overnight.

"Although I recognise your feelings, I don't feel the same way, but I hope that we can remain friends and I understand if you need some time".

Then it's up to him if he wants to take some time to get over you and then continue being friends or if he'd rather not. I've never really understood the whole having difficulty being friends with your crush thing, I've had crushes on friends before, but I know that I just have to wait it out until the crush goes away if I know it ain't happening.

Anything less than a full flat-out rejection will only encourage him further.

Like you said, it's not on you. You should be honest with him that you have no interest in anything romantic. Do it as polite as you can, but ultimately, there's no perfect way to deliver someone news they don't want to hear.

But once you've done that, you've done everything you possibly could do and the rest isn't in your control.

How he handles this is not on you. Assuming the other people in the social group are mature and reasonable, they'll understand. If the guy you reject feels uncomfortable, maybe you can ask them to console him and remind him that he's still wanted in that group.

How long have you known him? How long have you known his friends? Which member of this friend group did you meet first, him or another person? How, and in what context, did you meet them?


Are they important to you just as friends, or also for professional or other practical reasons? And how close are your friendships with other people in the group?


Are most of them closer (in terms of friendship) with him or with you?

I met the whole group around the same time, although a different person invited me into the group. The guy who liked me is not the one who invited me. I met him in the group, never hung out with him outside of the group.

I am very new to this circle, but he is not. If I hurt him and word gets around, I could be alienated from the group. That would hurt me, but I hope he's not vengeful enough to try and do that.....

Also, I've seen Boo around long enough to appreciate his humor. No need to be harsh on him. His post made me laugh

"I have a boyfriend"

That will work, if true. Could cause problems down the road if not true.